Penis Love, Relaxing Vaginas, and Meeting The True Needs Of Both Sexes

There is too much information in this post, and it is very disjointed so bear with me, stay tuned, these will become multiple posts someday!

So, this morning while lying beside each other awake in bed, I had my right leg laying over his stomach/body.  We started out with my partner asking me to hold him "down there".  I reached over and rested my hand upon his penis and scrotum.

Ladies- DO NOT FEAR THE PENIS!  :)  Growing up, I know that I had a lot of fear surrounding sharing love to penises... Touching the penis or giving head in a Karezza-like fashion- slow, comfortable for the giver, and with love for the penis- helps relieve this tension that men inherently feel.

For awhile, I was not comfortable giving head to my partner, and I believed that neither of us would need to do head because it wasn't a natural thing- we could both satisfy eachother through intercourse and that would be enough.

However, today I realized that the inherent drives in both men and women to relieve pressure sexually need to be addressed for each partner in order that sexual feelings do not flow to solely seeking orgasm, which we are taught in this society.  We have to find the pleasure that we need by going slowly but helping each partner get there.

We happened to come upon this relaxation of slow penis touching, squeezing, and slow oral sex for my male partner by experimentation, not really knowing that this could help immensely with more sensation and true relaxation or satisfaction for him.

When I first ever touched his penis with my hand, I asserted to him that I didn't want to have any porn-star expectations put upon me for how I would touch him.  He graciously reassured me that he wasn't expecting anything, and that any way I touched him would feel great.  I started by literally feeling his penis with my hand, making sure not to arouse him too much by going verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry slowly, almost like a scientist, testing each kind of flesh around his scrotum, penis, head, and general area with such care and curiosity, for what it felt like to my fingertips.  The first time I did this, I was a little nervous and did not let myself fully enjoy exploring him.

I was used to feeling scared of penises in the past- that he would become too aroused, and we would HAVE TO have sex, and it would Hurt.

With intercourse, I was always worried there was not going to be enough space to fit in- For Good Reason sometimes.  I have a belief that small penises are better, and feel better.. I have experienced larger penises and I never felt safe, but I know that it was probably a mixture of other things, such as not being allowed enough time to relax with the penis inside me or not having enough time period.

These are all myths.

Anyone who is forcing you to have sex when they are aroused is an abusive person and should not be in sexual relations with anyone unless they learn to respect others rights to feelings of comfort and safety.

I think those fears are truly the only reason that hold people back from relaxing into slower, more sensational sex- feeling like they need to "perform" like porn stars, when in reality, these conventional ideas are far from the truth about what really satisfies each sex.

I think that people do not feel comfortable sharing love unless they feel it themselves.  I realized that only once I found true, relaxed pleasure from a penis, I was able to give a mouth job (no blowing here!) with full love and appreciation for the penis.  

I think finding pleasure for both sexes in a relaxed, slow way- but perhaps different acts- is key to feeling open, safe and relaxed with each other to have Karezza intercourse.

In our society, vaginas are never allowed to relax or feel.  This was a conversation between my partner (D) and I (M) after I had slowly held and squeezed his penis with my hand and slowly, put my mouth on the tip of his penis.
D: You know, later on, I want to get more into providing you with oral sex.
M:  No, that's  okay.  I don't really like it that much.
D: Well, in the very beginning, I kind of held back from it because I knew that it would bring you more into an orgasm driven state, rather than relaxing you.
M:  Yeah.  I mean, I've had oral sex in the past, and I liked it, but I always tensed up too much.
D: Yeah.  I think D: The clitoris is typically overstimulated.
M: Yeah.  I think that it's normally said that the

Honestly, the best way to succeed in Karezza is to have an attitude that you will try to work it out with each other so that both people are mutually satisfied.  That you will not give up to find the best options possible without sacrificing (a negative connotation), but also bringing compromise, or trying new things for each of you.  However, I have found that I never would have had this tenacity to keep trying without first knowing that we are both committed to each other.  We love each other and we are planning to spend the rest of our lives together.  I do not believe that you have to be together with someone for the rest of your life in order to develop your sexuality and progress.  However, I have found that when I was not fully committed to someone in the past, I sought out my own pleasure and was always pleasing the other person by only humoring the intention to do so- that means, doing something for the other person, but only in the attitude of doing it to get something in return, which meant that I actually didn't enjoy giving pleasure to someone else... this is problematic, because I am less likely to enjoy receiving pleasure as well.  In general, I was more apprehensive in feeling pleasure.  I think if there is proper education regarding what is pleasurable for both men and women during sex- what connections and sensations both are truly craving- there is more likely to be pleasure in both non-committed and committed relationships.  I think that most people I was with had expectations regarding sex which were not pleasurable for me, and because I was not committed to them, I had a hard time requesting that these needs be met.

It is important to experiment and try new things for the other person without feeling compromised.  Do what is comfortable for you, and then when your partner asks for a favor, if you are comfortable, do it.  Always keep in mind your comfort level.  If you aren't receiving immediate pleasure from the act, be calm and see if you are thinking about orgasm.  If you are thinking about orgasm, be calm and perhaps try doing something else that relaxes you.

These needs that I have found that I need during sex:
1.) Touch, cuddling, holding, nude body contact before intercourse-  feelings of safety need to be developed

2.) Genital to genital contact without entry before intercourse- there are feelings, sensations, and blood pulses/heart beats to be recognized that genital contact can provide which feels safe for me (female) before there is connection of vagina to penis

3.)

He told me that he likes consistent, yet varying levels of pressure when I am gently squeezing his penis with my hand.  I think this is related to how the vagina could maybe be when it is "giving it's feminine gifts" after a long period of penis in vagina during intercourse.  I know that after the vagina and the female relaxes in feeling safe with the penis inside of her, the vagina is more receptive to feeling and "calls" the penis to grow and gently move inside (like a snake, some people say).  Then the vagina is probably creating varying levels of pressure, like my hand was.

I think this pressure is what the man is truly seeking- consistent pressure to relieve the tension created inside of his penis by blood flow.  There is no inherent urge to ejaculate- only to relieve pressure.

I discovered today that both male and female truly crave something in intercourse which is much more similar than people would think.

I realize that we made quite a few breakthroughs these past few days.  We have had sex a lot, and I know that the only way we have been able to have this time is because we are both unemployed.

A conversation after providing him oral sex:
D: I have a hard time relaxing when someone is giving me head. It's been always in the past that as soon as I finally relax when they're giving head, they stop.  So, I felt like I could never relax into pleasure.  It's kind of built into my life that way.
M: I know exactly how you feel with not feeling able to relax into pleasure.  That's how it is with me in not having relaxing penis in vagina without movement.  As soon as I relaxed, the guy would never give me enough time.  ...
D: I want to lay on top of you.
M: Okay :)
~We move~
M: I was imagining while I was giving you head- well, no, I wasn't imagining, I was just thinking about... because when I was giving you head, I was only imagining how much love I have for your penis..
~hug squeeze from him~
M:... I was thinking, that relaxation you have is the same as when I feel fully relaxed with your penis in my vagina.
D: We're more similar than you think after all.
M:  Yep....  You know I really love your penis.
~another hug squeeze~

My boyfriend and I have made progress- I need to write it down so I don't forget!!

So, the past few days, my partner and I have passed through a couple milestones, or baby steps of progress that I would like to blog about as to remember that they have happened!!

I will write briefly so I can go to sleep tonight.. and have time to cuddle beforehand.

Before I jot our progress down, let me say briefly which books and articles about Karezza I have been reading that have been ultimately helpful for our experience:

First, Alice B. Stockham's The Ethics of Marriage lots of theory, but also plenty of practical letters from struggling couples with Stockham's advice attached.

William Lloyd's book on Karezza from sacred texts website.  very helpful in spelling out how karezza works, and more poetic in descriptions, for some imagination on how to get started.

Dr. Rudolph Von Urban's Sexual Perfection and Marital Happiness- ultimately what convinced me that Karezza WORKS.  Nine case studies of unsuccessful, moderate, and very successful couples, gendered bias from the time period written (1948), but still applicable today for many relationships in the US!  Applied information is very helpful.  Also, helps dispel the idea that sexuality is separate from our happiness, and that it is very possible for couples to change the course of their relationships in a practical way.

Peace Between the Sheets- Marnia Robinson.  There is a chunk of it on Google books which is free to read.. kind of expensive to read the whole thing. 34.00 on amazon.

This article is probably the most helpful one I have found on Reuniting.Info.  Outlines the theory and misconceptions/opinions by men on Karezza.  THIS ONE HELPED OPEN UP BOTH OF US MORE TO THE IDEAS SURROUNDING KAREZZA, although we have both been more open to the idea over a period of months.

It has taken us several months to educate ourselves about Karezza and become open to the idea of trying to not have orgasm, and having slow "cool" sex.

My partner read Cupid's Poisoned Arrow earlier this year and wasn't highly convinced, although he was open to the ideas.  I read it July, and I was convinced, although I was hesitant about taking on ideas about Karezza that I hadn't tried myself in practice with my partner to see if I really wanted to incorporate them into our lives.  Reading all of these books helped immensely in educating myself and creating more sound, practical, and pleasurable decisions.  If I hadn't read these books, I wouldn't have learned a lot of the small tips, new perspectives on sexuality, or practical structured advice on Karezza, which is pretty non-intuitive if you've grown up learning conventional sexuality from magazines, tv, movies, and society of the late 1900's and early 2000's.  ... I am very grateful for this information, because I wouldn't have been able to find out what I needed without these insights.

Here are a few of the insights which my partner and I discussed over the past few days:

I realize, I need a lot more time to relax to allow myself to feel pleasure, and there are specific things which I like.

After a few days of no intercourse, a week or more of no orgasms, and about a month of me telling my partner that I am serious about trying Karezza, my partner talked with me yesterday about how he missed sex.  Specifically, he missed having conventional sex and orgasms, and that he believed that Karezza was a mistake.  He explained to me that he came from a background and sexual history in which he never truly felt like he got to experience conventional pleasure on a regular basis- either he didn't have a girlfriend, was bullied and put down by people regarding his sexuality in school, or he had girlfriends that were shut off sexually or didn't have sex with him very often.

He told me that he feels like he's in a race track with Olympic runners going around him, while his struggling down on the ground, just trying to get up.  Everyone else is saying, "Why aren't you running?"  while his only response is "Just getting going,.."

I mistakenly heard this and took what he was saying personally.  I thought he was suggesting that we have Olympic sex and that he would be hurt emotionally if we didn't "get going".  In reality, he never suggested that.

In response, I said that I think there is a lot of information about Karezza and the science behind sexual relationships and we both need to be open and willing to learn.  I explained that I was trying to avoid what had happened with me in past relationships- where I would literally "ram through" my feelings (and my vagina) by continuing to have sex when it wasn't pleasurable for me, and I would eventually become resentful, feel insecure and frustrated and not want to be in the relationship anymore.  .. Of course, I always found other reasons why I didn't want to be in the relationship...

I told my partner that regardless of how good the rest of our relationship could go, I didn't want conventional sex- or more specifically, dopamine surges and oxytocin-depleted brain patterns- to push us apart... when my partner means so much to me.

He told me later that these feelings that he had regarding our current sexual life and potential Karezza sex were, again, based on his past experience and his current cravings for orgasm.  He graciously told me that even though he felt these feelings, it did not mean that he planned on necessarily having daily conventional sex with me in the near future, or that he was against trying Karezza.

This brings me to say that it's important to listen to each other's feelings about different aspects of sexual life- without reacting but seeking to understand what the other person is going through.  Literally feel as if you were that person, repeat back to the person what they told you, or in your head to yourself, and simply try to understand.  It will give you a better picture what is good for the both of you- information never hurts, especially coming from your partner.

Realize that discussing sex is very rooted in feelings, which is very subjective and hard to rationalize or critically think about.  Rather, it is a means of coming to acceptance about what someone is feeling, and being heard by another person.  Your partner may not always say what they are planning to do, their intentions, what they think is best for themselves, or anything about your experience.. they are only saying what they feel.  As my partner told me, "I'm not saying anything about our experience, all I'm saying is what I feel.  I just want to know you understand, that's all I want from you."


Other wonderful things he told me today:

- "If there's one thing that's good about Karezza, even when I read about Karezza, even several months ago, it made sense to me that sex relaxes muscles in a way that other activities can't do.  I think the problem with orgasm is that it creates hypertension, because after orgasm, some muscles do release, but the muscles surrounding them contract back again, so people remain in constant tension, wanting orgasm..  I can see how people who do Karezza have such vitality because they're not always going inbetween tension and orgasm."

- "There's no one I'd rather give more pleasure to." (than me :) )

We had sex today after he playfully tackled me onto the bed and we were cuddling, side to side, or him ontop of me..  Karezza that is.  he told me to let him do stuff, and to just relax "maybe that is the key, for you to sit back and relax.  You don't have to do stuff all the time, you know."  He looked right into my eyes and we gently smiled at each other.

I allowed him to decide when to be inside me, rather than when I normally guide him inside with my hand.  He thrusted to be inside of me a little too fast, and I told him that I don't like him thrusting.  He said "I'm sorry" and it was a great improvement because he sighed and I could tell he genuinely was trying and cared about my concerns.  I said , "Yeah, I think I don't like you thrusting too fast because then I tense up because I am scared.  It hurts when you thrust because it rubs on my pubic bone."  And he said, "well, tell me then."  I know that he will try to thrust less, and go more slowly.  There really has been progress.

My partner and I also discussed today about the concept of giving and how when we focus on how good we feel, we often lose the feeling.  I have this issue more than my partner, as he says he can see me struggling to feel pleasure constantly, where he used to experience this in the past quite a bit.. "it was like a cat and mouse chase.. I was always feeling pleasure and then it would go away.  I always felt like it was against me."

We relaxed and he tried new positions, all the while, I was relaxed and smiling because we had stayed still in one position for awhile.   I think because we stayed with it, trying different positions, rolling around, laughing, or cuddling while PIV or PV touching, for over a half an hour, we both came out of it feeling pretty good- that is, no headache for me and more relaxation in both of us.  We both laughed, teased, giggled more than usual today!

In general, after deciding that we both want to try Karezza sex- or at least be present to each other's feelings and trying to work it out in finding pleasure for both of us- I know that I felt a lot more cheerful and settled today, especially after having slow PIV and talking about sex.

Soon, I will be writing more about the itty bitty nitty gritty details about how my partner and I choose to have Karezza-influenced sex, which positions we like, what ideas or feelings each of us struggle with or enjoy in sex as a man or woman, and what next steps we are taking for us to work it out together in mutual pleasure and happiness in our sexuality.  We want to call it Karezza Sutra haha  Stay tuned!

My Social Fears, People Pleasing, and Learning From Sex

I feel I am in a life crisis.  I'm really not, I guess it's more of a life purpose problem.  I have been noticing that my partner is much more socially and intellectually developed than I am, and I am frustrated that I am not more developed in my life.

This has made me wonder if I am truly projecting my own hopes, wishes, and dreams for myself onto my partner, because I am afraid of achieving and reaching for them.

These include:

Being able to speak to someone proficiently as if you know what you are talking about, and truly actually DO know what you are talking about.  I often don't really know what to say, or am not knowledgable enough about things that I would talk about where I really know what to say- and when I AM knowledgeable enough, I tend to present information to people just to say it, rather than being in a conversation.  ..which brings me to..

Being able to listen to people and understand what is being said.  I'm not sure why, but I am pretty bad at listening.  I try to hear every word, but I guess I am humoring the intention.  Sometimes I actually really do want to understand what is being said, but it's more based upon that I would like to have a nice transaction with someone else.  ..which brings me to...

Wanting to talk with people.  Period.  Wanting to be engaged.

Lately, I've been feeling really sad because I feel like deep down I do not want to engage with people.  I know that I do, and I know that basically, my displeasure and negativity is speaking.  The only reason I am not wanting to talk with people is because I haven't done it much.

Also, when I'm speaking with people, I'm used to trying to please them.  I do whatever I can to make them feel good, rather than speaking transparently about whatever the conversation is about.

------This was the SAME WAY I USED TO BE WITH SEX.  It was to please others, in an effort to please myself.----------

I realize that my attempts to please others should not be the focus of a conversation.  I might as well be giving them sexual favors if my aim is to please them!  Haha, touche, and funny because so often growing up, I too often would become sexual in an effort to gain acceptance from guys.  In sex and in nonsexual social situations, my goals should be self oriented first, so that I am not projecting my needs onto someone else, and then I should become more aware of what the other person needs.  The second part I have yet to figure out in either part of my life.

Before I experienced more of sex in the past year with my partner, I knew that in social situations, I was people pleasing a lot.  However, I didn't realize that I was projecting my own desires, feelings, and wishes onto other people, which makes it much more confusing to know what your intention for talking to them is, and what their actual intentions are.

Deep down, I feel very defeated, sad, and frustrated because I crave meaningful connection.  I notice while with Dustin and other people, there are many people who you can see deep down are very lonely, and don't know how to appropriately connect with others.  I see this in myself and others, and it makes me sad.  I want to learn how to objectively and correctly see social situations, my own feelings, my own intentions, their own intentions, and the subject matter.  I feel like a disabled person, honestly.  I'm not quite sure how to appropriately recognize all of these things in a situation.

The Big "O-NO-NOT-AGAIN": Struggling to make sense of orgasm

What if I told you, that orgasms were not the answer? 

Understand that you have been mistakenly educated in society to believe that consistent orgasms are good for your health, your sexual well-being, and the happiness of your relationships.  Turning your partner into an orgasm giver only makes you see them as your drug dealer- you become temperamental, and aggressive if things don't go according to plan.  Don't let yourself believe that the problem is you, when it is actually your sexual habits.

The specifics given by society for how to have healing sex are normally wrong.  Our culture teaches us to spice it up in the bedroom, make things more exciting, more novel, more steamy and passionate.

After researching Karezza, reading from Reuniting.info, and Reddit.com, I realize now that I do not want an orgasm, but just the pleasure, which usually comes from calm cuddling and tender touch- something else I became honest with my partner about.  This is much more biologically healing to our nervous systems than full-fledged exasperated sex. Exhaustion is not the same as relaxation.

Initially, sex was of course very new and my brain, I believe, became a chemical soup.  Unfortunately, the happy chemicals didn't last long, and I quite honestly felt desperate and depressed.  I was extremely worried and sad.. I felt that I had found the love of my life, and now because of these crazy emotions, I was going to lose him.  I didn't yet recognize how orgasm and other common sex choices, such as going too fast, and too much arousal and stimulation, was the cause of my physical and emotional distress.

Fortunately for me, my partner reassured me that I wasn't going to lose him- that his heart was in my hands.  What I still fear for a lot of couples is that many partners aren't as gracious, and don't know about Karezza as an option. 

More to come!... I mean, err, less coming.. ;)

Staying Slow During Karezza

I found some great advice on the Karezza Reddit Forum.

"Start slow, stay slow, end slow. Slowing down has been a big thing. I've been used to a certain pace for several years so it's been challenging to retrain myself to be slow. If you stay slow the whole process is easier to handle."



I've realized that the reason I have a hard time ever being completely slow has something to do with my lack of deep breathing.

When I finally am able to slow down my breathing, I get a feeling inside of anxiety, like their is a light, but constant intensity in the air, like trembling molecules..

When I try to understand the feeling, I realize that I have an anxiety related to the idea of seeking an end... that there needs to be .. AN ORGASM!

Actually, in reality, I realize when feeling the energy more closely, that I am seeking an end to the anxiety, which can happen at any time if I allow myself to relax.

I find that, truly, Karezza starts with a relationship to yourself and your own feelings.  I have a habit of feeling anxious and trying to tell my anxiety to stop, rather than allowing it to be, and then just relax.

So....

Listen to your emotions.

Don't Cry, Try Karezza

Post-coital blues brings you down, even when you thought the way up looked good.

For a long time over this past year, I struggled with what is known as post-coital blues.  A lot of women experience this, and surprisingly, it isn't talked about more.  In fact, as I have experienced this over the past year with a regular sex life, I initially felt very out of my mind and crazy, like I was a unique sexual defect.  Crying, severe tension, and headaches after sex, and resulting irritation, less enthusiasm or even depression about life in general, and anxiety about the relationship or myself- all things I had experienced in a matter of two months into the relationship.

My current relationship could have stressed to the point of separation if I hadn't reexamined our sex life when I was struggling with post-coital blues in the first few months of our relationship.

Emotional pain is good information!  I don't think partners should be under the constant watch of depression, anxiety, fear, and tension.

Everyone wants to appear as the Superman or Wonder Woman in bed.  When you admit to yourself that you are merely a depressed, unsatisfied person, it can be more of a let down for yourself than for the other person.  It was painful for me to tell my partner that, yes, I felt awful, sad, distressed, and I wasn't satisfied sexually with how things were going.  But before I could start healing, I became very honest about what I was experiencing, and open to the possibilities of different physical choices.

Conventional sex doesn't satisfy me deeply, but it doesn't mean I can't be satisfied in sex at all.  Having consistent gloomy results doesn't have to deter you from finding a new way.  

My experience with post-coital blues taught me that I needed a change.  Many women are seeking help.

With so many women experiencing problems in a natural activity, this perhaps shows that we have been taught to  do this natural activity in an unnaturally taxing way.  Up to 70% of women have shown to experience post-coital blues at least once in their life, and out of that group, 30% experience it consistently.  Many women in the world are shy and  not used to talking about their sex openly, so these numbers could be even higher.  Although many women experience PCB, it is not natural; it is not naturally healthy to be continuously unhappy.
   

The majority of our issues stem from unsatisfied emotional needs.  Having truly satisfying sex is a part of the foundation for our emotional experience.   Healing needs to take place everywhere: your heart, your feelings, your thoughts, your sexual choices, your relationship, your self-awareness, and keeping away from orgasm.

I believe Karezza saved my relationship from falling into a useless death.  I feel that our relationship could have easily crumbled if my partner hadn't already read Cupid's Poisoned Arrow and suggested me reading it.

After having a few solid weeks of backing off orgasm for myself, trying slower sex, and having sex not as frequently as before, it amazes me that I ever questioned the love in my relationship.  I feel so much hope now for us- for life.

Being honest with what works and what doesn't will help.  For example, I found that when we went too fast having sex, I often did not feel much and I had a hard time feeling any pleasure.  It is often better when healing from PCB to be much more gentle, and abstain from sex for awhile. The better way to heal is focus on holding hands, soft kisses, tender touch..  These can be too much, and you may try allowing your partner to be touched by you.  Not expecting anything, just allowing you to touch them how YOU want.  An experiment for you.

What I would like for you to know is that there is practical advice surrounding Karezza which will help any woman feel more secure about her relationship and her sex life. 

So...

Understand that post-coital blues is a REAL phenomenon and you don't have to feel ashamed.  It is based on the chemical rollercoaster-drug that is orgasm and not having enough relaxation from tension in your body.  Educate yourself about Karezza.

Beyond Band-Aids: Why Karezza Sex Heals Effectively

Why is sexuality so influential in bringing to light the things we don't like about ourselves?  It is a blessing in disguise.

Sexuality becomes so influential and brings awareness to all of our deeper issues, insecurities, complexes, habits, and ingrained traits of character because it is a literal, physical interaction with our emotions- the bio-electricity, bodily tension/relaxation, and our inner beliefs and thoughts about how our needs and the needs of others can and should be met.

The amazing thing about sex is that it is a great mudraker- that is, it brings the shit to the surface, for better or worse.  If problems appear, and they are not taken care of, sex will not help- unless sex is approached in the right attitude.  I find that a humble attitude in Karezza is perfect for approaching sex, and good practice for the way to approach problems which you find in your life.

Karezza can be one of those necessary changes you make in your life which will reveal solutions for other situations.

The issue with neglecting sex as a route for healing is that it is incredibly powerful, and very influential in our lives.  For anyone who has read the free online PDF by Dr. Von Urban, Sexual Perfection and Marital Happiness, one can begin to see that sexual distress permeates the rest of our lives, whether we admit it or not.  The positive side of this is that taking the journey into your sexual healing reveals the solutions for other struggles in your life, slowly but surely.

Our culture needs to understand that calming, mutually-nourishing sex can help heal deep-rooted emotional problems.  No one thinks it's sexy to bring their problems to bed with them, but the reality is that we all have problems.   I think that too often, when people become faced with their problems, they attribute the sexual issues to themselves, and do not realize that it is their actions during sex which are the cause of the emotional distress.  This same problem happens when someone eats the wrong diet- they say that they're own body can't lose weight, and their genetics tie them down.  In reality, it is the choice of food which hinders their body from regaining health.

Surely, there are issues that come to the surface from our past which we think are from different personal issues than sex, but all issues from either the past or present in sexuality or otherwise are connected through ineffective emotional habits.  Karezza helps heal misguided emotional habits through calm, peace, awareness, happiness, pleasure, understanding, honesty.  People can create these attitudes in other areas of their lives without sex, but sex is a sure way to understand if they are properly developed or not.

I believe that Karezza is a natural way to have sex, and to respond emotionally to another person.  Our misguided ways of interaction taught in society lead me to a way of sex which drained me emotionally, physically, and created habits in sex which hindered my sexual happiness.

So...

Educate yourself about Karezza techniques and tell everyone around you that would care to listen.

Sexual Honesty: A Catalyst For Emotional Development

My attitude of being open to honestly exploring my emotions during sex has brought to light different habits which can now attempt to change, and some of them I have successfully made progress in.

I have found that earlier this year when my partner and I were first having sex, I tried to "be" something sexually for him and myself- the better person that I wanted to be, in sex and emotionally.  I wanted to be a giving person, who could provide all of the satisfaction that my partner would ever desire, giving up someone of my own pleasure if that's what it took.  In reality, that's not the person that I actually am.  

Truly, I am much more undeveloped emotionally, and I have a hard time receiving.  As much as I give, I also need to feel more.  Karezza style sex can help, as I am less inclined to strive towards orgasm, I can become more aware of all other feelings.

I found that the more I try to push my issues away that come up during sex- rather than talk about them openly, or think about them deeply either during cuddling, before or after sex- the more I am simply repressing my feelings, and they end up popping up elsewhere in a more destructive fashion, either towards myself or my partner.

Hiding feelings before, during, and after sex is more destructive than accepting them and making appropriate changes.  

Most people try to run from their problems through sex.  I know that I had this attitude for a long time,... that if things in my relationship didn't work out, well, at least I had sex at the end of the day... or in the middle of the day.. or the beginning.. hell, all weekend, if we want to. ... Just as long as I can escape briefly from what is bothering me.

Over time, by saying things out loud to my partner or writing a LOT about what my feelings are, I have been able to distinguish the right choices to make for myself which are more true to giving myself pleasure.  Other people may have different problems of habit, but the process is the same: first, bring the issue to your own attention, to the attention of your partner, and write down your thoughts, feelings, and hopes for what to do next.  Furthermore, educate yourself on the subject.

Honesty is the best policy.  Always.  Even if you don't feel you need to say it,... well, that's probably the BEST TIME to say it.  If you feel that you REALLY NEED TO SAY IT, then say what's going on, but more importantly, think deeply and write to yourself later about why that situation was so important to you.

As I've been developing myself sexually with my current partner over the past year, I've realized that there are many things that I have struggled in letting go and growing up from,.. but I need to accept these things honestly in order to move forward from them.  

It is better to work through issues than believe that they are unsexy or unfitting for sexual encounters.  Problems will arise, emotionally, physically, spiritually.. and sex is the sacred healing ground.  Happiness and love heals all wounds.  The connection heals.

I feel that so much of our society's education on sexuality has a fake-it-til-you-make-it, domineering, and forceful attitude on what is the right thing to do and how to meet your own and your partner's needs.  Refreshingly, Karezza doesn't expect you to have a deeply satisfying experience right away, and doesn't ever expect you to have an orgasm!  In fact, less is more, as a general rule.  Karezza does not expect a more-than-life experience which for one, isn't sustainable long-term, or two, isn't actually the truth of what two lovers are seeking for- peaceful, happy togetherness.

More specifically on what my own healing has been...

My partner is 6 years older than I am, which really isn't that much, but since I just graduated from college this year, and he has been living on his own for over 10, he has much more experience in the real world, outside of school, being responsible for oneself.  He has also experienced mushrooms, which is a whole other realm in itself of self-development and facing one's own demons.

Having a much more humbled, self-aware partner in sexuality has helped me grow and become aware of my own faults which I would like to change.  For one, I know that I am not a very socially adept person.  I can listen very well, but I don't speak enough, or much at all, which makes me appear sheepish, cold, or uninterested in speaking with people- which is true for most cases!  Haha!

... In order to overcome this, I need to actually learn to be interested in people.  But the most important thing is to be honest with myself about who and what I am and be okay with it.

Something I have learned through my sexual experience with my partner, my first, but powerful existential pot experience, and conversations with my partner about the truth of reality, is that you can only ever experience your own emotions, and you can never experience how someone else feels.  Although we are all connected in a web of life, you can only experience your inner self; everything you see is an illusion, and typically a projection of your inner self.

So, how does this relate to my non adept social skills and sexuality?  When I am with people, I should not assume that I know how they are feeling towards me- quite probably it is a projection of my own feelings, and I should practice seeing the world as a world in itself!  Something separate from me, physical, and something to pay attention to the details for.  Sex with my partner has helped me realize that what actually happens is not all in my head, but in feeling the here and now.  I need to pay attention to my own feelings and see the world more objectively and neutrally, rather than projecting and feeling trapped from everywhere around me.

So, Be honest with your emotions, to yourself, and your partner.  

Say them out loud, write them down.  And suggest solutions for yourself and to your partner which are based in cause and effect.  Stick to those solutions, and when they don't work, try something new.  Don't give up on what you truly wanted in love.

Excerpt from The Karezza Method, by J. William Lloyd [1931]

These lines stood out to me as I was reading this wonderful book.

SEX AND SOUL

Sex is very close to soul. Whoso touches sex touches the secrets and centers of life. This is the Mid-Spot, the Origin, the Crux, the Mystery. In sex the soul is naked. At the contacts of sex the soul trembles, quivers, is shaken to its midmost. The voice of sex, in its power, is as the voice of God - the most imperious and certain-to-be-obeyed call known in Nature or to man.

Sex, soul, religion, morality, are not to be separated. They belong together. The first reverence we detect in Nature is that of the male for the female, of offspring for mother. There is fear elsewhere, but here are mysterious adumbrations and blendings of attraction, adoration, worshipful obedience and withdrawing respect. Sex-religion was the first religion of man and we shall never get back again to true religion until we again see God in His creative motions and worship and reverence the soul in flesh.

Sincerity, seriousness, cleanness, generosity and liberty in sex are the foundations of morality. Where these are found we have genuine love, true relations, open souls, fearless hearts, fragrant bodies, healthy children, happy mothers, a society everywhere honest, free and kind. Where these or any of them are lacking, society rots, lies fester, men exist by crime, and shame broods like a cloud.

The agitation of the youth who blushes, trembles and stammers before the woman he loves; of the girl who melts in his arms, not daring to lift her eyes, dumb, soul-shaken, overcome by the mystery of her being and emotions - these reveal by signs ineffable the sacred seriousness of sex.

The entire free PDF can be seen online here http://www.sacred-texts.com/sex/krz/krz07.htm

Sex Isn't Everything: Pleasure and An Existential Crisis

Lately I've been thinking more and more that I am in a sense, addicted to sex- mainly the sensation of orgasm.  In my re-educating myself, specifically after reading Sex Perfection and Marital Happiness by Dr. Rudolph Von Urban http://www.reuniting.info/sex_perfection_and_marital_happiness_von_urban,
I've realized that I am not addicted to orgasm, or even sex, but to the relaxation from tension, which isn't necessarily an addiction, but a necessity for a happy and healthy life- in love and otherwise.

As humans, we have strong urges of sex and eating.  Eating is resolvable when there is proper nutrients coming in.  If you have ever tried a fruit based raw vegan diet for a long time, you know what it feels like to feel fully satisfied after eating.  No cravings- just satisfaction and peace.  You understand the proper way to hydrate and nourish your cells and body, and because your body receives what it needs, it no longer nags at you and pulls at your thoughts and emotions.  If you have never tried a fruit based raw vegan diet, you may know of another time when you ate a particularly healthy meal which deeply satisfied you, rather than depriving you and leaving you wanting tons of treats afterwards.  This is the beauty of giving your body what it needs.

In Dr. Urban's novel, which I highly recommend to anyone interested in overcoming sexual strife with a partner, the author asserts that chemistry, physics, and science are needed in providing more understanding on the meaning of love, and suggests that love is a transference of bio-electricity which is experienced as a tension-relaxation relationship of pleasure, in whatever endeavor we take on.  Pursuits of intellectual passions, feeling needed and needing someone to help us meet our needs, and physical arousal relaxed through touch are all examples of this.

I have found in my sexual journey with my partner that I oftentimes get very upset, tense to the point of muscular distress, headaches, and weakness, if I do not meet my own needs for relaxation through touch, and I am very frustrated that I cannot seem to find the pleasure in practice that I am understanding intellectually.  Unfortunately, I typically block my own desired relaxation because of previous ingrained habits and misunderstanding to my responsibilities in a sexual relationship.  I have been slowly overcoming quite a few of my complexes which influence me to block receiving of this pleasurable transference.

These complexes often include projection of my feelings onto my partner, meaning that I believe that he has the feelings which are actually my own.  I come from a background of suppressing my emotions greatly, so when I feel my emotions, it is typical for me to start by feeling the "other" person's emotions first.  In retrospect, this background has probably given me one of the greatest gifts in that I am learning about how to discuss the concept of projection, as I understand it very intuitively, but not enough to explain it.  From my experience, I am learning how deeply projection can become entrenched in someone's life, and also that in a way, most of anything that anyone experiences is projection by default- putting our internal experience onto what we see in front of us.

I have the hardest time accepting and overcoming my desire to have an orgasm, which I know from the perspective of Karezza can create post-coital blues, and I know from Dr. Urban to be quite natural, yet curable through more gentle, relaxing sexual technique.  His 6 sex rules are: preparation, position, duration, concentration, relaxation, and frequency  ...which can be read more about in detail HERE
  http://www.reuniting.info/download/pdf/SexPerfectionVonUrban.pdf 

We have experimented much with preparation, and my partner is very courteous and aware that I may need a lot of time before we would connect PIV, and sometimes no PIV at all.  I have worked to develop my concentration skills, although they are sufficiently lacking to where I would like them.  We have experimented with different positions, although not with Urban's suggestions very much- we tried the sideways one once, and it was hard for me to stay relaxed in that position.  I think my partner often wants to thrust in order to remain hard, but I have a hard time not reacting to thrusting at all- again, my mental focus on orgasm or avoiding it (same thing! :)  ) affects my ability to relax greatly.  Duration is fine for us- we always have sex for at least an hour or more.  Relaxation- again, something we need to work on.

And frequency- we probably have sex a little too often according to Urban, and we both agree that waiting a week between is a good time.  We used to have sex every few days, once a day or more than once a day, and I think I became too drained from it, as I had not known about Karezza techniques at all, and I was not allowing myself to receive much pleasure at all.  I have come quite a long ways;  before, I used to focus on pleasing only the other person, and hoping that it would please me.  Thankfully, my partner is gracious and has helped me change that by allowing much flexibility in what we do sexually, letting me try what works best for me to feel our connection.

I have been considering whether my internal crisis of life is much greater than sex, or if relaxing, love-filled sex-relaxation is truly the key to my happiness in my short life.  My previous logic would say that of course, life is much larger than sex.  And I have much that I can accomplish and find love from in this planet.  But, my current experiences have shown that I have a lot of tension resulting from improper, tension-producing sex, and anything else that I do in my life, as long as I have this tension, I create anger.  Granted, there are many possible things that someone may create tension from, many other life situations.  But, as I have had sex with Dustin, I have learned a lot about myself, my responsibilities to others, and responsibilities to my own self and emotions.

I know that there is a greater reality which my partner has told me about from his experiences of trying mushrooms, and I have not yet experienced, but have had hints of from my time trying two large bong hits of weed.  I realized from that experience that my time is short, and life keeps repeating it's mistakes until you die, in a loop, until you break the loop.  My partner told me that he experienced his own death and felt that he is now living in a virtual reality, watching the rest of his life, and every night, he fears his own death, realizing that nothing that you do in this life will matter after you die.  Death is the great equalizer.  Hearing this from him gives me perspective that my troubles, although the forefront of my life at this point, are still much smaller than this greater reality, and I have much more to fear in facing my own death than facing the demons of my past.

At this point, I am not sure what to do with my life besides keeping educating myself about sexuality and learning and adhering to the sexual and non sexual rules which best serve a long-lasting satisfying love marriage, meaning bound by love rather than by duty.  I think my biggest battle is overcoming my emotions of desiring orgasm, and I need to research more on the techniques of how to do this.  I know that personally, re-owning my emotions back from projecting them helps me assess the situation for what I need to do for my partner and I more accurately.  Once I am in a state of relaxation, I am much more likely to experience pleasure and relaxation through simple and complex touch, without despair of certain nuances and changes in position or roles.  It is when I start craving orgasm that I am not sure of how to touch or feel without increasing tension further... and I am not sure of whether I should stop intercourse completely and separate, only cuddle with my partner, or if there is someway to continue PIV (penis in vagina) intercourse and be able to relax tension.

So, so far, my tips for successful Karezza are: own your emotions, rather than projecting them; and, seek a state of relaxation, not rising tension to find relaxation- relaxation can be found first and foremost on it's own without an absurd, or uncomfortable amount of increasing tension.

Layers of Emotional Discovery, Pleasure and Impatience

Today, we started out with having more successful sex, and grew to less and less successful sex as time went on.  My definition of what successful sex is, is feeling the other person touching you, feeling delightful, calming, relaxing pleasure from that touching, and being filled with content happiness so that when you reach out to touch the other person in whatever way you do, it also fills you with relaxation and pleasure.

I have not yet reached the point in my sexual journey with my partner that I am able to have relaxing intercourse with PIV, ie penis in vagina.  We have had a lot of normal sex, but few times when I have truly been relaxed and happy in my vagina while we are connected together.  I know from asking my partner that his experience is different, and more relaxed than mine is, which makes me sad, but I remind myself that the most important thing is to stay with my own feelings, because quite probably, the feelings that I believe someone else has, are actually my own, which I will describe about more later.

I believed that Dustin was experiencing pleasure that I wasn't, and I used to feel jealous.  Now I realize that I too can experience pleasure and my perception of his pleasure paradoxically does and does not have to do with my own.  It doesn't in the sense that even if Dustin feels really great or really bad, I can always feel different or the same as him.  We are separate, and should each be respected in our own emotional space.  His pleasure DOES have to do with my own however, because oftentimes I project my own feelings onto him, and I believe that he is feeling pleasure, when it is really my own feelings that I am not accepting for myself.

Sounds crazy, but when you grow up being told and subtly messaged by your parents that your emotions are wrong, bad, or need to be fixed, you tend to stop allowing yourself to feel them..-  but they are STILL THERE!  they just end up being pushed onto someone else, mainly people who are close to you.

My next layer of emotions that I've gone through is when I believed that Dustin wanted to have an orgasm or move faster in sex, and I was not ready for it, so I would react to these thoughts and get scared.  I realized that my feelings about Dustin were my own feelings of desiring orgasm and not being willing to admit to myself that I wanted to move faster...  My true desire deep down inside is to have calming, relaxing, delightful and gentle sex with Dustin.  Because of my past experiences, I tend to believe that I won't have enough time, that I won't be able to please myself in the correct time needed, that I need an orgasm NOW or NEVER.  It is hard for me to accept that my true desire can be fulfilled if I do not push myself.

Right now, I have been coping by putting the responsibility onto Dustin and allowing him to guide the pace, and for me to police it, by slowing down or cutting off when it gets too fast for me- regardless of how fast I am actually encouraging it to go!

What I need to work on, or become more aware of is that my own feelings can always be in my awareness, including my feelings of desiring orgasm.  Many people strive for orgasm and want it, but through the practice of Karezza, I have been aiming to not desire it, although I have struggled to control my emotions and wants.  Something that will help me is realizing my true emotions and desires deep down... realizing that the desire and striving for orgasm actually makes me feel anxious and pressured- and that I am doing this desiring anxiety to myself by not becoming aware of and seeing past it.

I am curious as to whether perhaps some projection is always necessary to be able to enjoy giving pleasure to someone else..?  So far, less projection has always been better.  We'll see.

How To Stop Projecting Emotions, 3 Steps

So, yesterday we had sex, but unsuccessfully in my opinion.

We had tried four different times to have sex, but each time, I either had a hard time feeling anything, or I was too horny to feel, but I still wanted to have sex, and so on.

I have gone through various layers of emotional discovery each time I have sex.  It isn't pleasant, typically.  But I find that it's necessary to question what I'm feeling in detail in order to take responsibility for my feelings and escape unnecessary suffering, such as crying spells after sex, and actually develop a relationship of relaxation from tension, pleasure, and feelings of love.

I learned that I tend to project a lot when I have feelings about myself or the situation that I don't want to feel, admit, or accept within myself.  I tend to belief that my partner actually has those feelings and then I react a second time against what I believe "they" are feeling, but it is actually myself.  I told Dustin that as I tend to err on the side of caution, really, it doesn't matter what someone else feels when it comes to making choices about what I should or what I do want to do.  Altruism and caring about others is a completely new part of this that I will never understand unless I am first true and honest with myself about my own feelings- that way I am not projecting my feelings onto others and subconsciously doing things for myself, rather than the other person.

I remember that only I can make the best decisions for myself, and what matters the most is my own feelings about the situation.  If it is hard to see anything but someone else's feelings, or your feelings ABOUT their feelings, then it is quite probable that there is some projection going on.  Remember, it is only possible to feel your own feelings-  you can only either give an educated or not-so-educated guess or have someone actually tell you what they feel,... and even then, you are still only feeling those feelings within yourself, from your own past and current experience of what those feelings are..

This is the healing part of sexuality which brings realization of the paradoxical external reality around you, realizing that your internal self is really all that you know of, all you can possibly experience... and anything that you might see is probably a projection of your own self.  Therefore, experiencing the world is experiencing yourself.    ....BAHHHHH I know.  This is a greater part of reality that few people truly understand, save those who have had deeper hallucinogenic, pot, or mushroom experiences and have seen the greater reality... It is hard to come to grips with- says myself!  Haha,.. projecting my own experience onto you readers :)

So, over the course of my experiential journey, I have intuitively put together 3 different steps for women or men who have a hard time owning their own feelings, or believe that someone else is actually working against them or their wishes in sex.

So here are my three tips:

1.) Be as aware as you can of what you believe the other person is feeling.

Although you may know or not know in your mind that what you believe the other person is feeling may actually be your own feelings, try to imagine completely and deeply, as much as you can, how your partner is feeling.  Maybe it is a certain kind of tension in a part of their body, or a warm sense of pleasure or relaxation in another, the strength or limpness in their muscles, the happiness, anxiousness, pleasure, aggressiveness, sadness, jealousy, fear, impatience, or any other emotion that you may believe the person to have.  Feel it completely; try to empathize with that person with what you believe they feel, not what they have told you they feel.

2.) Determine whether these feelings are truly the other person's, and whether or not they may be your own.

You may decide to ask your partner on their actual feelings- do you feel "_____" right now? Realize that they may feel differently from you.   More importantly, ask yourself, is it really I, not my partner, who is feeling these feelings?  Remind yourself and come to the realization that you can only feel your own feelings.  It is not possible to feel anyone else's as much as you may have been trained to believe that you can.  Sometimes you may have to go back and forth, determining that the feelings you believe to be your partner's are actually yours, but they may be based on other assumptions you have that you have to question.   Once you have realized these may be your own feelings, it is possible for you to claim these feelings as your own.


3.) Transfer your actual feelings to yourself, own them, and begin to take appropriate action for yourself.
Now is the time to own your feelings.  Only until you realize that you cannot feel someone else's feelings will you realize that the feelings YOU experience are yours, even if they appear in someone else's body or you believe someone else feels that way.

In my case, I tend to believe that Dustin is feeling pleasure when I am not.  Once I realized that his feelings were actually me projecting, I was able to transfer the feelings from him to myself.  When I felt the feelings fully within his body, it was easier for me to allow the feelings in my own body.  I also imagined his feelings shutting off, like a light switch, and the energy transferring over to me, or moving through into my body, like heat.




The reason why I suggest doing this exercise during cuddling, holding hands, or simply by sitting next to someone is because it is easier to understand what you think someone feels- and understand how your own true emotions really are- when you put it into a body, and physical attributes or experience.

It's important during this whole process to remember the words, or even say them out loud to your partner what you are thinking about, and be sure to write them down later.  Documenting your experience like a reporter is important to be able to see the truth within your sexual struggles and triumphs.


The great thing about this exercise is that it is not limited to sexuality.  Oftentimes in workplaces, home, family and friend life, mistakes and misunderstandings are made because people often assume what someone else is feeling and act upon their understanding of the situation from their assumptions.  By trying this exercise, you may come to realize that your own feelings about the situation may prove to be more valuable than you thought, or you may gain perspective on what other people's experiences really are, and develop empathy in that way.

Karezza and my experience so far

the last twenty minutes have been amazing.  I just looked into Dustin's eyes and thought, I can die knowing that I have felt this way....

the past few days, I have been taking it easy from sex, as I have my period.  the last couple days haven't been the best... there have been on and off times of tension and feeling bad about my own self development... I feel that I am not enough of a giving person, and that I am selfish.... THIS IS PROBABLY TRUE.  I feel that my parents never taught me to give back, to do my fair share, do chores, etc. and while seeing that I am old enough to be teaching things to myself on my own and I am an adult, I am not quite sure how to teach myself how to not be selfish.. this is something I want to research and look into.  .. For one, I know that simply meeting my own needs is necessary and important, as anytime I don't listen to myself or meet my own needs in a reasonable sense- food, water, bathroom, sleep, affection (when it isn't harming or using someone else), self-education/exploration, relaxation, work (projects), air (outside)-  anytime I don't meet these in a reasonable sense if they arise, I am teaching myself to repress myself, where it will come up later in a way that I expect others to meet it for me (as that has been my upbringing) and I am teaching myself that needs do not need to be met, IN GENERAL, which will influence understanding of helping meet the needs of others.  I do seem to have a problem that I do not feel like I can meet the needs of others unless I meet my own- and actually maybe that's a good thing, because as I have read quite a bit, you cannot help others unless you first help yourself.  It really does make sense to me- especially with love.  When I do not first help myself to do what I need to feel loved, or feel like I deserve love, then I have a hard time feeling loving or doing things in a loving way for other people.  I can always be decent, and respectful, making sure to do the "right" things, such as giving more to others, helping where I logically think it would be nice to do so, or correct to do so.  However, I lose some of the heart feelings when I do not teach myself... it is always a balance.  I know that pushing myself a little further that what is comfortable in terms of helping others is good, as long as I still feel supported and that what I need for myself is still there.  I do not have to be compromised in order to help others.  This is something I learned from my upbringing- "helping" to the point of discomfort and crossed boundaries- such as listening to my mother for hours on end when it is obviously apparent that I am distraught and about to break into tears-

anyways, this brings me to my new understanding that I have been developing about love.. I realize that I need to give Dustin enough space to be himself, and enough space to be myself.  I realize that I am constantly projecting- meaning I am talking about Dustin when I am really talking about myself.  This is something I know that I need to work on... and I know it signifies that I am not truly understanding Dustin's position, or anyone's really, because I am constantly putting my understanding of the world ONTO the world, rather than being open to it and accepting the world INTO MY WORLD, and developing my own self from that understanding,........ rather than my understanding of the world based on myself.....


THIS IS A LONG JOURNEY AHEAD OF ME.   I know I will have to do mushrooms, salvia, and pot a few more times, and it will be painful and tough, and I will struggle to see the world for how it really is... but maybe I can see it and just be grateful and perhaps I will be able to learn new things about myself and still be in love- I hope so, although my understanding of love may certainly change and grow...

Something I have learned is that sex and sexual happiness is pretty constant- not in that it happens all the time, regardless of circumstances, but that it has a certain set of criteria.. I am no expert in this!  that is why I research it SO MUCH.  Reuniting.org has been and extremely helpful website, especially after reading cupid's poison as well as going through many struggles and new discoveries of my own about my own satisfaction of sex, and avoiding post-coitus blues and/or drama, sadness, irritability, anger, "resentment" as some Karezza people call it.

Over time, I have become more hopeful that this can be overcome indefinitely, and also through my own experience, I have become more successful at avoiding it, even when not long ago at all- maybe even less than two weeks ago, certainly two months ago-  I felt hopeless that my sex life would never change, and I would become an old maid that falls apart without ever feeling love or finding it for an extended period of time.

With help of my loving, patient partner, simply by him being there and willing to listen to me, and try new things with me in order for me to feel more relaxed or less sad, I have been able to experiment with either learning to orgasm better, and then realizing later that I didn't actually want it, I learned how to avoid it better.  At first, I thought having more and longer, and deeper orgasms was the key and answer to my feeling marital and sexual happiness and satisfaction.  After having a few "good" orgasms, or better ones that I had ever had with someone else, I was still emotionally falling apart at the seams after nearly every time we had sex.  I honestly still don't understand quite how I can feel so insecure and terrible afterwards... all I know is that, from what I've researched, quite a few women, actually up to 60% have experienced what is known as post-coitus blues, and I think about 30% of those women experience it every time after sex, or frequently.. so either something is verrrry wrong with our society in how we have sex, or the majority of women suck at sex- sTILL from society's upbringing, mind you!- or women were made to not enjoy sex.   ...hmm, I don't think it is the latter.

.. especially as I have read so many testimonies of women deeply enjoying and finding SATISFACTION in Karezza sex.  Upon first reading these accounts, needless to say, I was a bit jealous, and even angry or sad that I had not experienced this.  Was there something wrong with me?  The convincing part to me that in fact I just needed to learn more and truly try Karezza with educated efforts was that many people on Karezza websites had either struggled with their sexual lives beforehand, and enlivened a nearly dead sexual relationship, or they never had much satisfying sexual experience and this was something that they wanted to try- or they had satisfying relationships and they wanted to see if it could be even better.  Karezza seemed to be working for all different kinds of people.

In my opinion, when I start to see something that is more or less a universal result, meaning it happens everywhere, I start to believe its truth.  Regarding veganism, heart disease is everywhere that people eat high amounts of animal products.  Regarding bad sexual and marriage life, fast sex seems to not be satisfying for women, whether or not the woman is deciding to have an orgasm.

A few days ago, I tried with Dustin to have sex.. it first started out that I didn't feel anything.. then, I simply laid next to him and I touched him, trying in my head to "be giving" to him, touch with a sense of care.. I then realized, that I could put him inside of me.   Rather than "heating up", I can rely upon the feeling of security that I have when I FEEL HIM INSIDE OF ME- knowing that he isn't going to come any time soon, and we don't have to move.  we can just be together and NOT MOVE.  it's great.

Many times, in the past, I have felt the urge to be "with" Dustin, and I took it upon myself meaning that I had to have increasingly tense, highly arousing, "wild" sex... and it turns out that that kind of sex isn't satisfying to me.  In fact, just writing about that kind of sex now seems foreign and unnecessary to me, and actually, when I think about it more, it leaves me feeling nervous and even upset.  What I did find, is that the other day, being still and being together WAS very satisfying.  I could rely upon just putting him inside of me, and feeling secure.

It makes a lot of sense to me now, but only through experience of trying it.. I am still trying to learn enough to put together the words and logical understanding so that I would be able to tell someone about karezza, or "slow" sex and explain why it is so powerful, and wonderful.  The main reason in laymen's terms is that there is no pressure.  In scientific terms, karezza, or slow sex,

I HIGHLY RECOMMEND READING THE FREE PDF by Von Urban, Sexual Perfection and Marital Happiness.  The title makes it sound like a pompous bunch of shit, and when I first heard it, I was like, A little big-headed thinking that you have the answer to perfect sex and marriage, Mr. Von Urban... is that even possible?  nothing is perfect.   

Well, I was wrong.  And it is not so easy, but rather it is simple.  The best way that I know how to give a good example of what learning about and practicing karezza is like is like Going Vegan.  Going vegan is simple- No Animal Products.  Does that mean it is easy? No way.  Plenty of things get in the way, from our past experiences and current seemingly challenging circumstances, but truly are based on our own lack of understanding and priority making.

For me, priorities are the most simple to understand and start doing in terms of "sexual life saving".  At first, when I was falling all over the place- meaning, I was crying consistently after EVERY TIME WE HAD SEX.. even when I didn't orgasm, or when he didn't orgasm, or when either of us, or both of us did.. I realized, there is something wrong that I was doing, and I needed to stop it.
I tried to hold off from sex, but I realized that I still wanted to have it, .. and pushing away a craving nearly forced it back into my life, I would get crazy horny and want to have sex, even though I wasn't relaxed or felt "ready" for it.


Many times, I tried to have sex, but I would try to think about either his pleasure or my pleasure, or try to think about our bodies, just how they were touching.. that helped me relax and be a little more present, but I still ended up crying afterwards.. and I still feel crazy that I cried afterwards, I don't know why or how, I still need to look into this and research it- again, apparently it is QUITE common among women to have these experiences, so something must be occurring more underneath the surface.

One morning, I asked Dustin to simply lay on me, and taking into account what I had been reading.  I had read about Karezza that it was important to be still.. and that often for beginners, being "gentle" meant for them something that was often still too arousing in order to properly practice Karezza.  So, I asked Dustin if he would try "soft entry" with me.  This means that I open my own vaginal lips and put his penis inside of me while he is still soft, or semi-hard/soft.  I asked if we would just try lying still.  It was hard for me to lie there for too long, because I started to get "tense"  because, as I explained to him later, I was anticipating a surge of tension, or orgasm.

A few days after that, I tried again soft entry with Dustin.  Before I asked, I had been touching Dustin in a caring way, and I realized, I wanted to put him inside of me.  I realized that oftentimes, I would wait longer, and try to build up tension before having sex, because I thought that I needed to be a certain tightness or that he needed to be a certain hardness.... in light of my new understanding in Karezza, I thought, what am I waiting for?  We can connect right now, and we can be soft.

So I put him inside of me, or as we could, what was possible for when he was soft.  And I held my arms around him, laying on top of him  ..... looking back now, I realize that we could try other positions that would be easier for us to lay in for a long time without being too turned on, but I'm glad that I experienced this nonetheless....   and as I laid there, and asked him if we could just lay still, just holding eachother and him being inside, I realized that I could actually feel him and it felt wonderful.. not like  a bursting firework, or even like a roaring fire, but just ..feeeling.. that I could feel him at all was great.

Normally during any of my past experiences in sex, I worked myself up into such either a mental activity of feeling like I needed to think about a fantasy or fantasize about the person in a loving way- (because I didn't actually love them in the first place! which I only realize now after meeting Dustin)- or I would physically work up tension into my body so that I couldn't feel anything unless it was a pounding fuck - which it normally was!

Over the course of discovering new ways of interaction with Dustin,

new ways of being gentle ( after telling him that's how I like to have sex, and be touched, and him respecting and allowing and being gentle for me and us),

and new ways of having sex (not striving for orgasm as a goal;
not thinking in fantasy, but in the moment;
listening to what I would like for myself and not project my wants onto another person, and if I do "think I know what the other person wants" then I look at it, remember I can't know what they want, and ask myself if it's actually what I want;
breathing more, without worry of how i sound while I'm breathing or making sounds occasionally;
being absolutely still, while connected penis in vagina),

I have found that there is a whole new way of having sex that when I experience it, I can't imagine it any other way because I am so wrapped in love and feeling good with Dustin.  I love him and I love him easily.

This is all said in retrospect.  Obviously, if you have read my other posts, you can see how much I have struggled with sexuality, in my life and especially over the past six months as I found a person who truly cares about me and who I love.  In this relationship, it has been the only time in my life that I can say that I have made much progress in the sexual realm and it is because I was introduced to Cupid's Poison,  a book I highly recommend you read.  I didn't even want to follow the book or take too much advice, but when I kept hitting a wall of PCB (post-coital blues) despite having a super loving partner and love for my partner, I knew that I was doing sex all wrong- and that our WHOLE FUCKING AMERICAN SOCIETY DOES SEX AND LOVE ALL WRONG.

The free PDF books on Reuniting.org have really truly helped me.  I am in the midst of Sexual Perfection and Marital Happiness and I am really diggin it.  I am realizing that the key to marital, and perhaps all happiness is not more deeper orgasms- as the US would tell you- but is truly sex in general, the whole acceptance of it as a social art and function between partners and lovers.  The understanding that the way to have sex in a propogative way- two hump chump or fuck and fall over- is contrary to having sex in a social, connective, bonding, happiness-producing way- slow, non-directional, non-confrontational or pressured, secure, allowing erections to come and go, non-orgasmic striving, feeling and being together as primary priorities.  

Sex creates happiness because it relieves stress and tension, with a person you love and you can experience it with ... and in order to have a happy sexual life, there needs to be less propagative sex, intention of orgasm, or actions which create a desire to orgasm or propagate,.... that is, there needs to be less stress of fertilization.  For the man, ejaculation creates tension in the body, and it does for the woman too!  The main thing that eliminates tension is NOT release of sperm, orgasm, etc.  Granted, working up to these actions creates a lot of tension that needs to be eliminated, but it ends up creating more tension in the body in the long run.

The main thing that relieves tension is being together.. and I still don't know why scientifically.... logically, I think it is because we can be in our deepest loving place with them, but there is no stress to create a baby.   I have read that it is because women have a "negative" charge and men have a "positive" charge.. which I first thought is a bunch of crap, but the more I think about it, the more I feel like I can complement Dustin with our energies and makes me want to be closer with him and also give him space at the same time.

I am also reading about skin contact and how it is so necessary for normal human development, babies, and kids, and how it goes into adulthood- how sex should be accepted as natural, normal, necessary, but in the right way- in Karezza way.  Von Urban's book is amazing to read in the sense that he makes Karezza sex seem normal and it makes so much sense to relax with both people in this way, and that kids should grow up in an environment that supports sex- sex as in touch, and allows sexual experimentation, but in the way of relaxation and not masturbation, but understanding that upholding sex as a connective art is the key to future marital happiness and a tribute to the ancestors, but I can't say it right!  Von Urban really does it best.  I just want to go have sex with Dustin right now.  I really want to pay attention to him. and be a negative charge and hold him and feel him inside of me.

Follow my dreams, accept full responsibility for the things I would like to do.

the best thing to do is to keep following my dreams... today I made test cob bricks for raised beds  I also talked with neighbors at poncho conde, a community where my parents property is.  we will get paid for the work that we did.  we covered the ground for rock to be put down and landscaped

I realized that I could see us doing a landscaping business together, vegan permaculture.
I also realized that if I want to AVOID  being my mom who doesn't have passion in things, will I follow my dreams and ideas about what I would like to do?   

Be raw vegan

Build a cob house
Practice non-orgasmic sex, be in love with Dustin
Practice compassion to all living beings, including insects
Cut out Facebook- Live in the here and now, this is the only world I know and can work with
Practice Minimalism

Be confident in myself and every thing I envision, imagine, try differently, 

Talk like an adult, and take care of things around the house like an adult
OR just be aware of who/how I am so that awareness will change to how I need to be more naturally

My dad called today and my mom tried to talk with me.  I ended up letting her.  Next time, if my dad is stuck with not letting my mom talk to me , I will decide to hang up on my dad so I will not talk with her.

Something to consider is that I am very narcissistic and I need to be aware that as much as I am learning about my sexuality, how to be aware of it, and therefore not be under the control of it, I also need to expand and learn, and grow, how to be more responsible for sharing duties in the home, how to be in control or awareness of my own emotions, how to talk with people more, more clearly, and confidently, to be aware of the tendency in myself to be afraid of something that I do not know, and then avoid it because I am embarrassed and to work against that by learning new things and seeking out knowledge, trying new things, thinking of new ideas that we can try- things that I would like to do, but also things that I think- that would be cool, but I am also intimidated by- such as creating an image for our youtube videos or getting a credit card so that I can save up for LASIK- learning about passive solar and water systems, learning about how to make a permaculture business.  learning how to put my own happiness first and to stop projecting my fears onto Dustin.  .. or anyone....  I realize that the best thing that I need to do is to take my own advice....  I need to take salvia as soon as possible.  

living real life.. one thing at a time.. making my life better

This is the second day I have used Facebook and I am just fine without it.  I don't miss the stress of people constantly watching what I am doing, or having the thoughts that someone is watching what I'm doing.  I'm enjoying the fact that the "world" that I have is right here and now, with Dustin.  What I experience in the moment is what really matters.  Perhaps I will keep my feed limited to Sacramento Gardeners and Permaculture, Veganville, Occupy, Jonas Sunshine.. I feel better about taking control over my thoughts and actions.. and using the internet as a tool.. for information that I may or may not better my life with.. karezza may better my life, also a period of celibacy, also learning about celibacy and karezza as a normal way of life.  .. Being off facebook should be a normal way of life as well.  I have so much to experience with Dustin and so many things we can do to be closer together

When I went vegan, I trusted the concept that cutting out animal products would make me healthier for xyz reasons and why.  Cutting out Facebook and orgasmic sex, will I be open to the possibilities in my life that this has to offer?  One thing at a time, one day at a time, easy to make the decision once I learn more about both things.

So, I need to keep studying!! :)

read this

THOUGHT VOMIT POST:  :)  Enjoy.

http://www.reuniting.info/wisdom/von_urban_sex_perfection_and_marital_happiness

experiencing karezza and or a hundred days of celibacy brings love to a whole other level and brings an unbalanced sexuality back into balance.

Will I go back on facebook?  I think I can be honest with myself and that I may not... I realize that there is literally a whole world here .. I have space to think, and develop my thoughts and my life.. freeing my mind.  I have so many things to concentrate on.. so many things to do.. so much of other people to experience.  So HaPPY that I am with Dustin.

I am so lucky with Dustin.  he doesn't believe in institutional religion, just like I don't.  so there is no pressure to be religious- thank ... Dustin. lol

on a health note, I was losing weight consistently for two weeks.  Until I ate cooked food.  I honestly think that I can lose weight if I stop eating "TOXINS"- I need to research more into what those toxins are.. carcinogens from cooked food, starches/acids from rice, pasta, starch from popcorn, dextrose, cooked teff, nutritional yeast??, refined sugars (dried papaya), quinoa,.. I stopped losing weight and I think I will lose weight if I eat raw, minimally, and fast with lemon-sugar water if I want to.

I need to buy some salvia from online- STAT :)

What I learned today.. I thought it was useless.. probably the most useful thing I could learn

So today Dustin and I attempted to have sex three different times.. talk about patient on his part..

Anyways, each time, I realized that I wasn't breathing very well, this was a continuing factor of this morning, when I felt that I wasn't breathing very well either.. I think I have a hard time breathing all day long.

I learned about WILLPOWER VS WILLINGNESS.  The better question to ask myself, rather than telling myself, "I will relax" or "I will have sex"  or "I will get better at having sex"  is "Will I relax?"  "Will I breathe?"  "Will I have sex?"

I think I need to be happy about where I am right now in regards to having sex.  When I don't want to have sex, I don't need to, and i can ask myself, "Will I have sex?"  or "Will I be aroused?"
And leave that openness... be curious about my own sex life.. I don't have to get it "right".. hell, I've done some pretty wrong things for so long, like not being able to say no to sex, to virtually anyone who shows sexual interest in me and is willing to put themselves out there to try and have it with me..  pretty terrible.  Now I'm getting used to the fact that Dustin ISN'T WITH ME FOR THAT REASON.  He just wants to be with someone who is intelligent, passionate, raw vegan or health seeking, and understands him and cares about his being.  I'm already that.. and I don't need to please him, live up to something- that is my family life (my mom) rearing it's head in my own thoughts, tellling me that I need to be "better"..

So, something I need to remember is that if I want to be "successful" in my sex habits, then I need to be willing to ask myself questions and be curious about sex... and be HONEST WITH MYSELF.  not run myself into the ground.  I need the most support from myself that I can get.  that means that I will never get "the best" experience, but I can learn from what I am experiencing and always  TRY SOMETHING NEW.  Build on my past experiences.

take what you will

yeah, my mom gets very fearful.  I think that preventative living is part of the distinction between living in fear and living for life itself.  if someone lives in fear, they are living for their thoughts that do not exist, because their thoughts are focused on a happening in the future which is not the actual action which the person can participation in... whereas what someone living for life is thinking is the exact thing that they end up doing with that thought.  Living for life itself is really simple in that way.  Living in fear, you are always second guessing your actions, because you are not sure which thing will prevent the actual thing you are thinking about.  Whereas, if you are thinking about something you are not afraid of, and would like to do, you end up doing just that.  It isn't the anxiety necessarily that is sterilizing or paralyzing to life.  It is not following your dreams, or following the thing that you want to do- very simply.  Living for life means that you aren't really second guessing, you are just listening to that little voice telling you what to do.  The little voice that tells you to do something from fear always has a second event connected with it.  You must do this, because this may happen.  Nothing wrong with doing preventative things, or doing things to prevent death, ill health, future problems.  But more importantly for life satisfaction and depth, one should strive to listen to the little voice that tells you to do something- just because.  Just because it is worthwhile to do, and the thing you do is the one and only thought that you have related to it.

I think that preventative living is part of the distinction between living in fear and living for life itself. if someone lives in fear, they are living for their thoughts that do not exist, because their thoughts are focused on a happening in the future which is not the actual action which the person can participation in... whereas what someone living for life is thinking is the exact thing that they end up doing with that thought. Living for life itself is really simple in that way. Living in fear, you are always second guessing your actions, because you are not sure which thing will prevent the second connected thing you are thinking about. Whereas, if you are thinking about something you are not afraid of, and would like to do, you end up doing just that, and it is satisfying because you are participating in your own thoughts. Performing an action which is meant for a second, future fearful thought disconnects your thoughts from your action. You cease to exist for those few moments, and you lose the satisfaction of experiencing that moment. These moments of thinking a future fear and completing an action that is not the fear but a separate action create dissonance, and add up. >>>>> It isn't the anxiety necessarily that is sterilizing or paralyzing to life. It is not following your dreams, or following the thing that you want to do- very simply. <<<<< Living for life means that you aren't really second guessing, you are just listening to that little voice telling you what to do. The little voice that tells you to do something from fear always has a second event connected with it. Nothing wrong with doing preventative things, or doing things to prevent death, ill health, future problems. We do end up finding face value in things we want to do from things that we have feared in the past. But at some point, life cannot be about preventing things that occurred in the past. We need to find face value in things, for themselves in order to find satisfaction of them in the moment. More importantly than prevention, for life satisfaction and depth, one should strive to listen to the little voice that tells you to do something- just because. Just because it is worthwhile to do, and the thing you do is the one and only thought that you have related to it. When you drop the crap of if's but's can'ts couldn'ts, and simply say in your head what that voice wants you to do "just because", and then you get up, and do it, and do other things that you have to do to get there, all in the spirit of doing the thing that your little voice wants to, you will realize the world is alright and you will find yourself participating in your life.

today I had a small relief of being positive for myself

I worked on talking to people while being alone. and I also found out one of the keys to being relaxed, is speaking on facebook in a calm and assertive way, and reaching out to people.  I was using people to speak and to share my ideas, but I was also treating them in a good way.  when I wrote, it was easier to see what I said and therefore be my best self.  when I did this, I noticed that my head even felt like it hurt because it expanded a little bit.

tension in my body and owning my feelings vs. projection

tonight I yelled at dustin when he touched my ear... honestly I thought he was trying to tickle me.. so that is where I learned.. that it doesn't matter what someone else does- you don't yell at them.  he didn't deserve that, and I apologized.  He said that's how katie used to talk with him.  I said that I never meant to be like katie, or be anyone who would disrespect him.  ,,,

I was avoiding saying tha tI was wrong for doing it, but I knew that I was.   eventually he said it's fine.  we were by ourselves for awhile, but he held me eventually.  I held his hand with such care, I started to come into realization how much tension in the rest of my body that I had.  I realized that I could not escape this feeling, and I was in complete control of it, if I would only allow myself to feel the tension completely.. like going on a journey, I had to experience the pain of it.  For awhile, I kept with the pain of tension and did not try to get away from it.  At one point, I realized, this must be a taste, one tastebud, of what mushrooms is like.. realizing how you are creating your own pain and how you must change it.. simply by becoming aware of it and what you do/are doing..  I realized that this was actually my daily existence underneath all of the distractions and confusion.. and it was my job to become more aware of this pain everyday, for the rest of my life..

I imagined that Dustin went through these experiences, and that it was only as hard for me because I was just starting.  I imagined a stone staircase up the sheer side of a mountain.. I was at the bottom, where there was tons of ice..?.. and that's why I kept "slipping" in and out of it, and it was hard to keep my grip on my actual pain, tension, and problem breathing.. whereas Dustin had probably scaled past the ice a long time ago, and probably was up in the jungle like stuff above, or way past where the clouds met the sky... I imagined it was a positive experience for him, but maybe the sensation was constantly dulled, and that's why he could live so easily.  He was more open to positive experiences because of his pain, since that's all he knew.

at one point I felt like I was almost not going to be able to breathe.. and I realized that maybe that is the lesson.. to feel pain and own my own experience to the point that I could possibly die, and therefore transcend the push and pull of being led by my feelings... and not do things based on my feelings.  I realized that I had responded to things during my childhood by not allowing awareness of my feelings, and now that prevention of awareness was harming my relationship by not allowing me to truly feel and therefore have compassion and understand Dustin's experience as separate from my projected feelings. I held dustin's hand and felt his arm around my belly, realizing that I owed this to him and to our relationship to remain relaxed within that part of my body, and continue to become aware of the tension in the rest of my body, no matter how much I couldn't stand it.  I realized how easy it would be to allow myself to have tension towards him and that this was my experience, and it also prevented me from truly being compassionate with him.. actually, my resistance to feeling this experience was what prevented me from truly experiencing this with him.  at some point, my body told me, "You need to go pee" and I know that I felt relieved by the opportunity.. I knew that I was also trying to get away from experiencing and being stuck in experiencing that anymore.. although I knew it would be back and always there, even if I wasn't experiencing it.. and it would come up

once I came back to bed, I thought "I'll tell Dustin that I'm sorry for being so tense."  I realized that this was me projecting saying sorry to myself, which would be silly to do, since I HAVE CONTROL.  and if I wasn't taking control, it was my problem, so I tried to come back into awareness of the tension in my body.  I realized after this projection how easy it would be to harm Dustin.  that by touching him with the intention that "I was sorry", I was actually not showing any true compassion or care for him, and that it could harm him.  I realized that thinking about everything that I felt in a way of projection would lead me to do drastic, dramatic things to Dustin at the whim of my feelings, rather than staying centered and aware of my feelings and not acting towards Dustin in a means to try and escape them.  So, I laid back on my back and tried to sense my tension, although I felt that I had already lost the battle by "giving up" the awareness by getting up to go pee.  I felt bad... looking back, I realize this was probably a defense mechanism by my mind to say that it was okay not to feel my feelings, or feel the pain of being aware of them.

I asked dustin, can you not fall asleep either?  he said no. I said everything out loud to Dustin what I had experienced, and there was silence, so I said, I shouldn't share anymore.  I know that sharing probably didn't help unless Dustin wanted to know where I was honestly and asked me.  Otherwise, it was an excuse to give or share responsibility of my inner experience with/to him.  In another attempt, I said, Can I hold you?  I put my arm around him, and I think he pushed it away or down towards his leg.  I pulled my arm back and said, I don't know what that means.  I laid back again and thought, he doesn't want me to touch him.  So I laid down..  he said, I was asleep.  I couldn't hear him, and he said again, I was asleep. So, I laid with this insomnia and came outside of the bedroom with a blanket here to write...

Dustin just came out a little bit ago groggy and said "what are you doing?"  I looked at him and said writing.  He said what time is it.  I said nearly five.  He said, I'm sorry I was asleep I was dreaming about pomegranate seedlings and I didn't want  you to smush them.  I said, that's really cute.  that's ok.  I said later, I don't want to smush your pomegranate seedlings.  Honestly, I think he was creating a metaphor in his dream for dreams and hopes that he has for having a positive relationship and a new health coaching business and I didn't want to admit it.  Honestly it is a relief to not be thinking about the tension in my body, except that it may come up again and I will not be as grateful for Dustin and still not aware of who he is to me because I have never come to terms with myself.