Saturday, January 11, 2014

Growing Up

Part of, if not entirely, being ready for an intimate relationship is being emotionally mature.

Today I realized that I am very emotionally immature and it showed up in multiple ways today.  I think I am ready to let go of these immaturities and grow up or from them.

When I woke up this morning, he pulled the covers off me in a playful way in order to get me out of bed.  I screamed.  Then I said, "I'm an embarrassment." and laughed my head off.

He showed me a music video with a raw vegan woman we both know.  I was jealous of how thin her thighs were in the video, and I could not get it out of my mind.  I said, "Why am I so stuck?"  and later, "I don't feel so good."  my bf asked, "Do you feel jealous?"  and I said, "Of megan elizabeth's thighs."  and he held my head and thought I was silly.  I sat there and stewed and breathed and thought "well, I don't need to react to those triggers"  and "our sexuality is not related to those triggers"  and "those triggers don't mean anything"   I felt a deep sense of peace when I realized that I could see everything without thinking of thing sexually.

I dropped the pebbles and I giggled and then I dropped them a lot more and I laughed.  Dustin just looked at me open eyed.

I need to realize all of these things that I do.  I need to smoke more weed so I understand my problems deeply.  I need to remain in the external world and realize that I have to adhere to it's rules, social rules, etc in order to thrive.