- mind takes things personally by reacting too quickly, too much time not spent doing something else- >> simple trick that the brain needs to move on.. zombie brain eating itself, realizing that giving too much power to caring about positive or negative reinforcements from self or others..
- taking things too personally is a sign that one is caught in own understanding
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Friday, July 5, 2013
Establishing boundaries of self - What is this feeling?
This past year, I felt I had developed a stable sense of self, however, it was built upon my surroundings and comfort level in a place I was familiar with. Feelings based upon external reinforcement came at me from all sides- knowing what type of food I was going to eat, when and how I was going to exercise, and which types of interactions I was going to have with people and with whom. Creating a bubble around me which held "me", or my understanding of what I was, in place. When I was moving to California, I could feel all the external reinforcement that I "was" fall away, and only my few values- such as veganism, permaculture, and sustainability- stayed with me. It felt slightly cathartic.
I can see that having an internal, stable sense of self allows one to move easily through change. What is an internal sense of self based upon? For a long time, I have believed that part of stabilizing one's sense of self is through knowing, sensing, and responding to one's physical feelings and bodily needs, therefore creating a self which goes around the perimeter of and through the body. The person can then feel themselves interacting with the external world. The idea of oneness can complicate this idea, which I will explain later.
Dustin's telling of his experience with mushrooms and my first acute experience with weed has led me to believe that breaking down the current sense of self- which is ego- is necessary to understand the actual boundaries of oneself. Dustin described how frightening it was to feel your "self" begin to blend into your environment to the point that you are overwhelmed with becoming the universe.
Like I had described before, my young adult life up until this point has been about "creating myself" by the means of defining my likes and dislikes, determining my values, and shooting in the dark as for what kind of life I want to create for myself and the world in the future. It is almost as if I am sculpting a statue that will "remain" amidst all the other things in my life and become a strong point. The problem with this strategy is that it is most likely based upon external aspects in my life which can change, and therefore my "self" will keep changing, and I will remain feeling unstable.
Perhaps it is okay to remain unstable, or simply accept that life will be unstable, and yet I have found that my ability to function in relationships appears better to me when I have a distinct sense of self, specifically
It is hard for me to distinguish and define just what each thing I am experiencing truly is. When I feel my own body against someone else's body, it is pleasant, and being able to feel this distinguishes separateness, and then eventually oneness. When I can't feel anything, it may be that I have not distinguished my own feelings enough at all and I am retreating back into myself for fear of lack of boundary. I want to feel this boundary to ultimately feel safe so I can be physically intimate without hesitation and with a natural consistency.
There are a few things that I see as leading branches from these issue(s):
Is it important to feel "safe"? Yes and no. What is "being safe", anyways? Am I simply protecting my ego, or is this a natural need that I need to listen and respect? Can shrooms help me feel safer, or will I realize my safety from feeling "unsafe" during my trip while my ego or sense of self is being pulled away?
Are shrooms a good idea for me? Apparently I have a very strong ego, which makes sense, being human and all. But, perhaps, do I first need to create more of a "statue" for myself in terms of my self in relation to the external world so that can be broken down and have more of an impact when it is broken down from a shroom experience?
Also, is sexuality that important? Do I need to be pleased by myself or others, or even feel good at all from my interactions? Food is so important in creating or dissolving certain cravings in my life- and perhaps the cooked food I have eaten over the past month has made my sexuality or simply the feelings in my body, mind, and vagina go haywire.
I know I can feel more relaxed when I have eaten only fruit, but I know that my issues concerning sexuality also goes beyond the concept of my individual experience and influence. Western culture emphasizes sexuality as a catch-all to whether someone has a productive or happy life. This overwhelms my mental and experiential field as taking utmost importance and measure of my life, just as the flames of a close campfire can block out the viewing of the bright universe of galaxies and stars surrounding the earth.
I once believed in my relationships that merging was what I needed to do.. that being closer was the ultimate goal. I pushed myself to go farther physically in order to instigate this closeness feeling, however, all I did was create a habit of retreating into myself and becoming physically intimate when I wasn't comfortable doing so. There may be "reasons" for why I did this which can relate to my previous history. The past, however, is irrelevant to how I act in the present in acting in this world.
In general, I feel I am too much inside of myself and at the same time I feel I am not inside of myself enough.
I can see that having an internal, stable sense of self allows one to move easily through change. What is an internal sense of self based upon? For a long time, I have believed that part of stabilizing one's sense of self is through knowing, sensing, and responding to one's physical feelings and bodily needs, therefore creating a self which goes around the perimeter of and through the body. The person can then feel themselves interacting with the external world. The idea of oneness can complicate this idea, which I will explain later.
Dustin's telling of his experience with mushrooms and my first acute experience with weed has led me to believe that breaking down the current sense of self- which is ego- is necessary to understand the actual boundaries of oneself. Dustin described how frightening it was to feel your "self" begin to blend into your environment to the point that you are overwhelmed with becoming the universe.
Like I had described before, my young adult life up until this point has been about "creating myself" by the means of defining my likes and dislikes, determining my values, and shooting in the dark as for what kind of life I want to create for myself and the world in the future. It is almost as if I am sculpting a statue that will "remain" amidst all the other things in my life and become a strong point. The problem with this strategy is that it is most likely based upon external aspects in my life which can change, and therefore my "self" will keep changing, and I will remain feeling unstable.
Perhaps it is okay to remain unstable, or simply accept that life will be unstable, and yet I have found that my ability to function in relationships appears better to me when I have a distinct sense of self, specifically
It is hard for me to distinguish and define just what each thing I am experiencing truly is. When I feel my own body against someone else's body, it is pleasant, and being able to feel this distinguishes separateness, and then eventually oneness. When I can't feel anything, it may be that I have not distinguished my own feelings enough at all and I am retreating back into myself for fear of lack of boundary. I want to feel this boundary to ultimately feel safe so I can be physically intimate without hesitation and with a natural consistency.
There are a few things that I see as leading branches from these issue(s):
Is it important to feel "safe"? Yes and no. What is "being safe", anyways? Am I simply protecting my ego, or is this a natural need that I need to listen and respect? Can shrooms help me feel safer, or will I realize my safety from feeling "unsafe" during my trip while my ego or sense of self is being pulled away?
Are shrooms a good idea for me? Apparently I have a very strong ego, which makes sense, being human and all. But, perhaps, do I first need to create more of a "statue" for myself in terms of my self in relation to the external world so that can be broken down and have more of an impact when it is broken down from a shroom experience?
Also, is sexuality that important? Do I need to be pleased by myself or others, or even feel good at all from my interactions? Food is so important in creating or dissolving certain cravings in my life- and perhaps the cooked food I have eaten over the past month has made my sexuality or simply the feelings in my body, mind, and vagina go haywire.
I know I can feel more relaxed when I have eaten only fruit, but I know that my issues concerning sexuality also goes beyond the concept of my individual experience and influence. Western culture emphasizes sexuality as a catch-all to whether someone has a productive or happy life. This overwhelms my mental and experiential field as taking utmost importance and measure of my life, just as the flames of a close campfire can block out the viewing of the bright universe of galaxies and stars surrounding the earth.
I once believed in my relationships that merging was what I needed to do.. that being closer was the ultimate goal. I pushed myself to go farther physically in order to instigate this closeness feeling, however, all I did was create a habit of retreating into myself and becoming physically intimate when I wasn't comfortable doing so. There may be "reasons" for why I did this which can relate to my previous history. The past, however, is irrelevant to how I act in the present in acting in this world.
In general, I feel I am too much inside of myself and at the same time I feel I am not inside of myself enough.
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