There is too much information in this post, and it is very disjointed so bear with me, stay tuned, these will become multiple posts someday!
So, this morning while lying beside each other awake in bed, I had my right leg laying over his stomach/body. We started out with my partner asking me to hold him "down there". I reached over and rested my hand upon his penis and scrotum.
Ladies- DO NOT FEAR THE PENIS! :) Growing up, I know that I had a lot of fear surrounding sharing love to penises... Touching the penis or giving head in a Karezza-like fashion- slow, comfortable for the giver, and with love for the penis- helps relieve this tension that men inherently feel.
For awhile, I was not comfortable giving head to my partner, and I believed that neither of us would need to do head because it wasn't a natural thing- we could both satisfy eachother through intercourse and that would be enough.
However, today I realized that the inherent drives in both men and women to relieve pressure sexually need to be addressed for each partner in order that sexual feelings do not flow to solely seeking orgasm, which we are taught in this society. We have to find the pleasure that we need by going slowly but helping each partner get there.
We happened to come upon this relaxation of slow penis touching, squeezing, and slow oral sex for my male partner by experimentation, not really knowing that this could help immensely with more sensation and true relaxation or satisfaction for him.
When I first ever touched his penis with my hand, I asserted to him that I didn't want to have any porn-star expectations put upon me for how I would touch him. He graciously reassured me that he wasn't expecting anything, and that any way I touched him would feel great. I started by literally feeling his penis with my hand, making sure not to arouse him too much by going verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry slowly, almost like a scientist, testing each kind of flesh around his scrotum, penis, head, and general area with such care and curiosity, for what it felt like to my fingertips. The first time I did this, I was a little nervous and did not let myself fully enjoy exploring him.
I was used to feeling scared of penises in the past- that he would become too aroused, and we would HAVE TO have sex, and it would Hurt.
With intercourse, I was always worried there was not going to be enough space to fit in- For Good Reason sometimes. I have a belief that small penises are better, and feel better.. I have experienced larger penises and I never felt safe, but I know that it was probably a mixture of other things, such as not being allowed enough time to relax with the penis inside me or not having enough time period.
These are all myths.
Anyone who is forcing you to have sex when they are aroused is an abusive person and should not be in sexual relations with anyone unless they learn to respect others rights to feelings of comfort and safety.
I think those fears are truly the only reason that hold people back from relaxing into slower, more sensational sex- feeling like they need to "perform" like porn stars, when in reality, these conventional ideas are far from the truth about what really satisfies each sex.
I think that people do not feel comfortable sharing love unless they feel it themselves. I realized that only once I found true, relaxed pleasure from a penis, I was able to give a mouth job (no blowing here!) with full love and appreciation for the penis.
I think finding pleasure for both sexes in a relaxed, slow way- but perhaps different acts- is key to feeling open, safe and relaxed with each other to have Karezza intercourse.
In our society, vaginas are never allowed to relax or feel. This was a conversation between my partner (D) and I (M) after I had slowly held and squeezed his penis with my hand and slowly, put my mouth on the tip of his penis.
D: You know, later on, I want to get more into providing you with oral sex.
M: No, that's okay. I don't really like it that much.
D: Well, in the very beginning, I kind of held back from it because I knew that it would bring you more into an orgasm driven state, rather than relaxing you.
M: Yeah. I mean, I've had oral sex in the past, and I liked it, but I always tensed up too much.
D: Yeah. I think D: The clitoris is typically overstimulated.
M: Yeah. I think that it's normally said that the
Honestly, the best way to succeed in Karezza is to have an attitude that you will try to work it out with each other so that both people are mutually satisfied. That you will not give up to find the best options possible without sacrificing (a negative connotation), but also bringing compromise, or trying new things for each of you. However, I have found that I never would have had this tenacity to keep trying without first knowing that we are both committed to each other. We love each other and we are planning to spend the rest of our lives together. I do not believe that you have to be together with someone for the rest of your life in order to develop your sexuality and progress. However, I have found that when I was not fully committed to someone in the past, I sought out my own pleasure and was always pleasing the other person by only humoring the intention to do so- that means, doing something for the other person, but only in the attitude of doing it to get something in return, which meant that I actually didn't enjoy giving pleasure to someone else... this is problematic, because I am less likely to enjoy receiving pleasure as well. In general, I was more apprehensive in feeling pleasure. I think if there is proper education regarding what is pleasurable for both men and women during sex- what connections and sensations both are truly craving- there is more likely to be pleasure in both non-committed and committed relationships. I think that most people I was with had expectations regarding sex which were not pleasurable for me, and because I was not committed to them, I had a hard time requesting that these needs be met.
It is important to experiment and try new things for the other person without feeling compromised. Do what is comfortable for you, and then when your partner asks for a favor, if you are comfortable, do it. Always keep in mind your comfort level. If you aren't receiving immediate pleasure from the act, be calm and see if you are thinking about orgasm. If you are thinking about orgasm, be calm and perhaps try doing something else that relaxes you.
These needs that I have found that I need during sex:
1.) Touch, cuddling, holding, nude body contact before intercourse- feelings of safety need to be developed
2.) Genital to genital contact without entry before intercourse- there are feelings, sensations, and blood pulses/heart beats to be recognized that genital contact can provide which feels safe for me (female) before there is connection of vagina to penis
3.)
He told me that he likes consistent, yet varying levels of pressure when I am gently squeezing his penis with my hand. I think this is related to how the vagina could maybe be when it is "giving it's feminine gifts" after a long period of penis in vagina during intercourse. I know that after the vagina and the female relaxes in feeling safe with the penis inside of her, the vagina is more receptive to feeling and "calls" the penis to grow and gently move inside (like a snake, some people say). Then the vagina is probably creating varying levels of pressure, like my hand was.
I think this pressure is what the man is truly seeking- consistent pressure to relieve the tension created inside of his penis by blood flow. There is no inherent urge to ejaculate- only to relieve pressure.
I discovered today that both male and female truly crave something in intercourse which is much more similar than people would think.
I realize that we made quite a few breakthroughs these past few days. We have had sex a lot, and I know that the only way we have been able to have this time is because we are both unemployed.
A conversation after providing him oral sex:
D: I have a hard time relaxing when someone is giving me head. It's been always in the past that as soon as I finally relax when they're giving head, they stop. So, I felt like I could never relax into pleasure. It's kind of built into my life that way.
M: I know exactly how you feel with not feeling able to relax into pleasure. That's how it is with me in not having relaxing penis in vagina without movement. As soon as I relaxed, the guy would never give me enough time. ...
D: I want to lay on top of you.
M: Okay :)
~We move~
M: I was imagining while I was giving you head- well, no, I wasn't imagining, I was just thinking about... because when I was giving you head, I was only imagining how much love I have for your penis..
~hug squeeze from him~
M:... I was thinking, that relaxation you have is the same as when I feel fully relaxed with your penis in my vagina.
D: We're more similar than you think after all.
M: Yep.... You know I really love your penis.
~another hug squeeze~
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