Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Update on sex, my emotions.. : I realize exercise opens channels. My messages decide the ability

I've learned that exercise really helps open up my muscles to feel everything.. I allow myself to feel Dustin touching me, laying on top of me.. basically I am so tired and relaxed that I wouldn't move because I don't want to.   However, I still have issues with once I am relaxed to be closer to a relaxed orgasm or feeling anything relaxed,  I sometimes push myself too far to try to ACHIEVE pleasure.  There is a message inside my head that I NEED SEX.  not just any sex.. relaxing, pleasurable sex.  and I NEEED IT.  The message is so strong I even work against my own relaxation by pushing myself when I don't want to.  I notice that when I do actually have good sex, I feel myself allowing a back and forth, and at first, just allowing, like really allowing.  passive feeling.  these messages relate to my messages I have for myself surrounding my other emotions, which I think are a much deeper and broader issue.  when I feel sad or angry, sometimes I feel embarrassed, like dustin cares that I feel bad.  But I tell mysefl that he doesn't care, because he's told me so, and then I realize that I'm the one who thinks I shouldn't be feeling this way.  Then I tell myself that I can.  I look deeper inside and realize that my messages to myself are that I shouldn't feel this way, basically that I shouldn't have these feelings ever.  I have a strong belief that I need to be happy all the time, which is just not true.  I really don't need to be happy all of the time.  If my emotions are there, then they just are.  that is where I need to get to to realize that my emotions are okay, and then sometimes it comes to me at other parts of the day.  I just hope that I don't ... (feel bad every night)  but sometimes I don't feel bad.

... and then Dustin kisses me. :)  and I allow myself to be happy and smile.  I tell myself that I realize I can be happy all the time.

Saturday, October 26, 2013

This is an article I am going to use as a workbook

Re-Collecting Ourselves
Ending the Projection of Our Shadow Upon Others
COMMENT: I found this source as one of the most informative books on learning about how we deal with our negative emotions and how to overcome our destructive deep internal feelings.  Debbie Ford helps the reader to understand their "shadow" and guides them in overcoming its destructive tendency.  By understanding how our negative projections draw similar energies to us we become empowered to clear those behaviour patterns that keep us from walking in our light.

Excerpts from
The Dark Side of the Light Chasersby Debbie Ford (pp. 39-54)

        Projection is a fascinating phenomenon they failed to teach most of us about in school. It is an involuntary transfer of our own unconscious behavior onto others, so it appears to us that these qualities actually exist in the other people. When we have anxiety about our emotions or unacceptable parts of our personalities, we attribute these qualities -as a defense mechanism- to external objects and other people. When we have little tolerance for others, for example, we are likely to attribute the sense of our own inferiority to them.   Thoughtlessness. Of course, there's always a "hook" that invites our projection. Some imperfect quality in other people activates some aspect of ourselves that wants our attention. So whatever we don't own about ourselves we project onto other people.
        We see only that which we are. I like to think of it in terms of energy. Imagine having a hundred different electrical outlets on your chest. Each outlet represents a different quality. The qualities we acknowledge and embrace have cover plates over them. They are safe: no electricity runs through them. But the qualities that are not okay with us, which we have not yet owned, do have a charge. So when others come along who act out one of these qualities they plug right into us. What are some of the qualities that still effect me? Outgoingness, selfishness, confidence, thoughtlessness.

 For example, if we deny or are uncomfortable with our anger, we will attract angry people into our lives. We will suppress our own angry feelings and judge people whom we see as angry. Since we lie to ourselves about our own internal feelings, the only way we can find them is to see them in others. Other people mirror back our hidden emotions and feelings, which allows us to recognize and reclaim them. 
        We instinctively draw back from our own negative projections. It's easier to examine what we are attracted to than what repels us. If I am offended by your arrogance it is because I'm not embracing my own arrogance. This is either arrogance that I am now demonstrating in my life and not seeing, or arrogance that I deny I am capable of demonstrating in the future. If I am offended by arrogance I need to look closely at all areas of my life and ask myself these questions: When have I been arrogant in the past? Am I being arrogant now? Could I be arrogant in the future?  Which qualities could I look at more in other areas of my life?  It would certainly be arrogant of me to answer no to these questions without really looking at myself, or without asking others if they have ever experienced my being arrogant. The act of judging someone else is arrogant, so obviously all of us have the capacity to be arrogant. If I embrace my own arrogance, I won't be upset by someone else's. I might notice it, but it won't affect me. My arrogance outlet will have a cover plate on it. It is only when you're lying to yourself or hating some aspect of yourself that you'll get an emotional charge from someone else's behavior.

        We project our own perceived shortcomings onto others. We say to others what we should be saying to ourselves. When we judge others we are judging ourselves. If you constantly beat yourself up with negative thoughts, you will either beat up on the people around you - verbally, emotionally, or physically - or you will beat up on yourself by destroying some area of your own life. I need to notice the negative thoughts in my head more so that I do not put them onto Dustin. What you do and what you say is no accident. There are no accidents in the life that you create. In this holographic world, everyone is you and you are always talking to yourself. Is this a healthy, normal way to be?  Do we have to project in order to function?
        As long as we deny the existence of certain traits in ourselves, we continue to perpetuate the myth that others have something we don't possess. When we admire someone, it is an opportunity to find yet another aspect of ourselves. What are some qualities that I admire in Dustin?  Is it not reasonable to say that I have these qualities in myself, and if not, am I able to develop them?  We have to take back our positive projections as well as our negative projections. We have to remove the plugs we've attached to others, turn them around, and plug them back into ourselves. Until we are able to retrieve our projections it is impossible for us to see our full potential and experience the totality of who we really are.

        There is an old saying, "It takes one to know one." We see in others what we like and don't like in ourselves. If we embrace these parts of ourselves we will be able to see others as they are, not as we see them through our cloud of projection. There is another saying that the three greatest mysteries of the world are air to birds, water to fish, and man unto himself. We are able to see everything in front of us in the outside world. All we have to do is open our eyes and look around. We cannot see ourselves. We need a mirror to see ourselves. You are my mirror and I am yours.

First of all, I am wondering if projection is necessary at all.  It is a defense mechanism for people, but I am wondering if it is good to work through my projections, one by one, or to simply ignore and keep working through my life in a different way.  I guess I might need to do both.  Hopefully, I can take mushrooms and a lot of my past fears can be wiped clean and I can focus on the new world in a new perspective.

So, here is my current work:  answer the questions ^^^ above!

I realized that I project to Dustin that "HE" thinks that I need to get a job that is working my way up in the workplace and getting better at handling myself in workplace sales or conversations.  The reality is, he does not care, and actually wants me to follow my heart.  I realized that I was thinking that there was this pressure there that I need to work my way up.  the only thing I actually want from work is more experience and I don't have any values in working my way up to the top of a corporate ladder and get in fights or workplace drama.

Also, another thing I am projecting is... Dustin told me today that often I tend to put him down, or he can hear it in my voice that I don't agree with him.  I don't have to agree with him, but I need to value what he says and shares with me.  So what I am projecting is that I feel that Dustin is putting me down for not treating him right, or that nothing I do is right.  In reality, I am the one who's intention when he was telling me something was to show him that he was wrong.

When I talk to Dustin, I sometimes cut him off, and don't allow him to speak all the way, I know it's all about intention, sometimes I almost cut him off because I am in agreement and joy with him and we talk very close together.  Sometimes my intention is to put in my words because I feel that I want to be heard, or that my idea is better.  that is too dominating.

 I feel like there is a big cloud of tension, like rocks that is bearing down on me and that I have to hold up from the pressure.  Pretend that it is not there.  It really isn't, and that's why pretending works for awhile, until I do something wrong.  Making myself break down when I do something wrong is just like the way my mom is.  That tendency to be constantly scrutinizing.
I feel like I'm constantly trying to hold back judgments.

Today, I had at least ten minutes of freedom from my own judgment after I had realized that I do not need to work up the corporate ladder, and/or hold myself up to that standard.  It wasn't as potent, but I could play with Dustin and talk with him, although it became harder as I was judging myself internally.. one thing about not being very observant. I wanted to see what the world was around me, as does Dustin, and I felt like he thought I was mindless, of course he never thought that I am.  The next thought I had that was judgmental to myself was when I wasn't speaking right or finishing a complete sentence to Dustin.   This incessant voice is the voice of my inner child who is angry that she had to become an adult.  She is also the voice of my mother's fear that I will not do well in life unless I am something better than what I am at any given moment.  I think I inherited my mother's deep self hatred.  So... all these little thoughts that I have, I end up projecting onto Dustin, because it is too painful to understand that I would constantly do this to myself.  I need to realize that they do indeed come from myself, but that they are a tape, and they come out of nowhere.

Friday, October 25, 2013

mushrooms

need to do mushrooms

sex and my attachment to it

- need to learn about how to not project

sometimes I imagine what the other person is feeling and then tell myself it is my own.. it is true.  every emotion that i think another person has is in fact my own emotion I am projecting, in the body or mind.

need to look at the belief that I need to have sex.  when I have sex and I push myself when I don't actually feel relaxed, it is bad, almost like I am being pushed by another person.  I disassociate  that I am the one pushing myself.  the belief that I have to have sex whether i actually feel anything or not comes out of another world.. I don't know what to think or how to unravel.. or tell myself something new.. or feel something different...   I feel part of my reliance on sex is that I have relied on it for so much of my adolescence and young adult life to guide me through social experience.. and how to conduct myself, or how to feel rewarded... what I  need to strive for, aim for... instead of all the other things I can do with my life that might be rewarding, but I have to persevere, make mistakes, do things wrong.  I feel so guilty about doing things wrong, I need to realize that I don't need to punish myself.. no one is punishing me..

dustin and I were talking about how people confuse happiness and validation... happiness being anything that makes you happy and validation being based on fear, thinking that you are happy because someone likes what you are doing.  I need to write out a list of thoughts that I am only happy about because of validation and thoughts I am happy about for themselves.

sometimes right after I feel like I do something wrong, I reassure myself that I can make up for it in sex.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Feeling my own emotions

I think I've caught onto something with projecting my own emotions.  I have a hard time living my own life with my own emotions.  I sometimes repress them- quite a bit actually- and other times I project them.  Either way, I feel like there is something slowly building up in anger inside of me.  Because I am not doing my own thing to actually get a job and take care of myself.  A lot of my focus and maintenance is on sex, specifically getting closer to orgasm, whether I admit it or not.  The point is, I don't REALLY want to get closer to orgasm.. I just want to be satisfied.  Sometimes I can have orgasms and not actually feel anything, or feel the moment, and that's when I get sad. Honestly, I think I'd like to be more comfortable with myself socially.  Surely, I need to realize my own feelings while having sex and during the day, in general.  It is general maintenance of my being to be aware of my emotions so that they do not go unnoticed.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

This is what I need to tell my mom, among other things

Mom, I'm not a bucket for you to spew all of your thoughts into anytime you have emotions or thoughts that you need to share with someone.  You've done that all four years of my highschool when you drove me to school, and almost every time you talk with me on the phone now.  I will only speak with you through email, because if you cannot say something that is concise through an email, then it is something that is not urgently related to me.

I cannot be facebook friends with you because you look into my life with the intent.
You seek control over my experience by thinking about what I am doing.  No one calls someone 50 times in two weeks.  You've told me that you would like if I would call once a week, but your insistence that I answer the phone every time you call makes it seem like an emergency every time you call and leaves me no room to develop an actual relationship with you and no room for me to decide when to call you once a week.  This is controlling

It seems that the only reason that you want a relationship with me is to talk with me.  Everyone talks with eachother, but it is one-sided with you in that you do not want to listen to me.  If you want someone to listen unconditionally to you without you listening to them, then I suggest you see a counselor.  Everyone wants to be heard, but you do not return this listening and actually care to know about my lif


tbc

Today I learned that projection is part of my past, and controls my emotional present; the key is to simply be aware of it, and then realize my own emotions

So, today started out with cuddling and then me wanting to hump Dustin.
And then he wanted to hump me.
And we humped.
The end.
Lol


No, actually we did make love, but it was more about me realizing that the "anticipation"  I had talked about in yesterday's blog was actually due to my projections of my feelings.  I projected that Dustin felt how I felt, and that he was in control of my feeling good- which is illogical and not true.  When I wanted to feel good, I "anticipated:" and basically waited for him to make me feel good ----- DOES NOT HAPPEN.  We are taught in this society to get others to make us feel good and we make them feel good.  No one can make anyone feel anything.. this much I have learned from having sex with Dustin. He allowed me to feel whatever I feel and him feel what he feels.. and we don't expect to make the other person feel anything.  That is not how it actually works.  It is always about your own consciousness to the present, and following your own pleasure- not trying to get something from the other person, since it's not possible.. but receiving pleasure from whatever is happening in the moment, however that needs to happen FOR YOU, NO ONE ELSE... Anyways, so I realized that I was projecting, and instead of feeling like Dustin was "feeling something", I imagined what I thought he was feeling and turned it back towards me and realized.. these were my own emotions..  This is pivotal.. to my life..

I realized later on during the day that I often, if not, ALWAYS, project my feelings onto other people.  We were getting two new tires on my bike today at a nearby bike shop, and Dustin was being his normal, personable self was talking with the bike guy, having conversation.  I realized during those couple hours that I was projecting quite a bit.  I felt like the guy was nervous for us to be taking so much of his time.  When I actually looked at his body language and saw that he was relatively relaxed, I realized that I was the one who was actually nervous about being in the shop.  I tend to feel this way about many service people or people in general.  I get nervous about how they see me, what they are thinking... WHAT A RELIEF THAT I REALIZE THAT THIS IS ONLY MYSELF.  If it actually was the other person, it would be more obvious, and I wouldn't need to think about it.  I realize that basically, I project, more than I probably realize that I do.  So, I'm thinking that some counseling, or at least more knowledge on how projecting works, or how to handle it, through the internet research, or through counseling.  If I did find a BPD counselor that was legit and I think could help me live more in my life with my emotions without projecting, I would go.


We will see how my life unfolds...!

Monday, October 21, 2013

Things I learned about myself today

There is something important that I learned from sex today.  I realized that a lot of times I project my feelings onto others and therefore believe that their feelings are 'xyz', when truly those are my feelings.  Sex is where I first considered I was doing that, and today I actually realized that I am doing that and I have been doing that for a long time.  I first learned about projection during the summer after my freshman year of college when I was researching borderline personality disorder.  I had heard from my sister that she thought my mom had it and so I researched a lot to determine that indeed, my mother has many traits of it.  Projection is when someone puts their feelings onto others as if people are actually feeling those feelings, when it's really the person's feelings who is projecting.  It's unconscious, so most people do not realize they are doing it unless they check on themselves to make sure that what someone else is "feeling" is not really their own feelings/emotions.  I began checking on myself and realized that I project my emotions a lot. Since learning that my mother does it, I looked into it myself and I realize that I do it a lot in social situations with my friends and also with my boyfriends, including during sex.   I might have learned this from my family dynamic patterns growing up, where my mom always wanted to "take care" of other people's emotions - which is impossible - and therefore have other people take care of her emotions.  It must be very ingrained into me by the fact that during sex, I realize that for most of my past sexual history and with Dustin, I have thought that other people were trying to have sex with me.   In fact, I am the one who is trying to have sex with Dustin.  He tells me time and time again that he is not trying to have sex with me, and that we can stop at any point.

Today is the first time that I put into words that I realized first, that I project my sexual feelings onto my partner when in fact it is I who am feeling those feelings, and second, that I anticipate a lot during sex about orgasm or about feelings that are to come.  Together, I end up projecting that Dustin wants to have intercourse, or reach orgasm, but it is actually my own feelings of anticipation that I am projecting onto Dustin.   Something that I would like to learn how to do is not think about feelings to come.  Or value them so much.  I think the reason that I hold onto the future, and do not actually experience feelings in the moment, is that I hold on to the idea so much that I need to have an orgasm.   I get angry and cry when I do not have my anticipated feelings met.  however, they are all in my mind, because when I actually feel them, they are real, from the moment, and not when I am anticipating them.  I used to think that I needed to anticipate Dustin moving into me, but I think that I have become that much more aware of my feelings, rather than what is being anticipated, or a fantasy to match from my mind.    I guess I have this ideal idea of how Dustin will move into me slow and steady, and I will feel it each time, like clockwork, that speeds up into orgasm.  I guess this is not real.. as it is in my mind.  In reality, the things i feel pleasure from are typically anything in which I am actually feeling it.  Not by force, or by me feeling like I have to do something for Dustin.  or that he has to do something for me.  I feel like I have to speed up, and it is really my own emotions feeling like I need to speed up and have an orgasm.

There have been so many thoughts that have gone through my head about sex while I am having sex.  One, that touching Dustin and feeling Dustin touching me are my own physical feelings.  It is futile to be touching someone with a motive for them to touch you back or because you feel like you know how they enjoy to be touched in the moment.  Unless someone has told you how they like to be touched and you are truly in a giving mood??? and you touch them for that reason, there is no point to try and touch them based on the thoughts that are in your head.  Basically, it is not your job to take care of that person's feelings (although respect them if they TELL you something they don't like), and hence, it's not their job to take care of your feelings either, although they must also respect when you don't want to do something.  Furthermore, it is not the job of someone else to read your mind for what you like and want, since it is not possible for he or she to do so, and it is also not your job to read their mind, since it is not possible for you to do so.
A second thought I have about sex related to the first thought is that I want to feel all of the touch physically, from Dustin, simultaneously.  First of all, I don't know if this is even possible.  I realize that when I am feeling Dustin, or he is laying on top of me, I can sometimes feel all of his body, and I can relax quite a bit.  other times, most times, it is more that I feel his body at different points touching me, like his side on my stomach, or his thigh on my thigh, or his chest on my stomach, etc.  I would like to feel everything simultaneously, but it takes a bit of concentration, basically  I can't be thinking about having an orgasm, or feeling "like I want to have sex", basically the anticipation that he will enter me, his penis in my vagina.  This feeling makes my body tense.  I have in the past tried  to say "no" to myself, basically telling myself that my ability to be present to all the other feelings is more important than focusing on receiving pleasure through an orgasm.  Ironically, I do not experience that much pleasure through an orgasm than how I do feeling Dustin's body up against mine when I'm not anticipating anything besides that.  I wonder if me saying "no" to

There are so many things that I could do and understand more about myself with this information.  In general, for every time that I feel so strongly that someone else is feeling something towards me- generally a negative feeling- then I can check with myself to be sure that it is not actually my own feelings, myself who is feeling them.  Often, it is me who is feeling those emotions.  I wonder if I am in the habit of projecting my own negative emotions, that it is a habit I have learned because my messages given to me are to not accept my own negative emotions, something that I saw my mother model to me, or, that she often tried to take on my emotions.  I realize that this might have been due to my family mixing up whose emotions are whose.  Sometimes I even feel that someone is feeling something else, but then I believe that I am taking on their emotions------->>> NOT POSSIBLE :) lol!

So, something I need to realize about while i'm having sex, is that if I am anticipating a pleasurable feeling, we need to stop having sex, or cuddle, or lay there still.  Today, and a previous time that I had had sex with Dustin when I was more in the moment and it felt good, I didn't anticipate things as much.  Today when we had sex, I realized when I was projecting my feelings onto Dustin, I imagined all of "his" feelings, and realized that they were mine.   That helped me relax a little bit, and feel more of his body against mine.  Also, when I realized that I was anticipating, even feeling my anticipation helped calm it down.  Anticipating, I mean, anticipating the feeling of Dustin being inside me.  I realize that it is not even possible to feel what I would like to feel in an orgasm, so the feeling is ultimately not there. I no longer need to search at the "end" of sex for a feeling I would want.  In general, I do not need to look for a feeling at all, since looking is actually the action of anticipating, and I will not feel anything in the process of anticipating.  So, when I get upset after sex, when I cry, I feel like I missed out on an orgasm.  The reality is that I missed out on everything that came after I started anticipating, which is actually me putting my pleasure in what Dustin is doing or in his body, feelings or physical actions.  i know this because every time I "anticipate", I think about what "Dustin" is feeling, when actually, the feelings are still mine, and I am simply not present to them.  When I have been present to what I am feeling, it is usually when Dustin is "doing something to me", so I correlate it (magical thinking) as a signal to pay attention to what Dustin is doing if I want to understand how i am feeling.  When in reality, I should be realizing that every feeling that I think Dustin has is actually my own, and I have are my own feelings.  Ever.  This is something that I should learn in my every day life.  It would revolutionize how I deal with myself, how I take control of my life.  I think I humor myself sometimes when I think that Dustin has control over my feelings.  This is ultimately what my mother taught me and would like to believe herself.  Ultimately, it is infantilizing, demeaning, de-empowering, and just plain false.  Untrue.  Crazy.

I hope I can work on realizing that I project a lot of my emotions, and when I have the slightest hint that I might be projecting a feeling, imagine that someone else is feeling it - completely- and then realize, that is my own feeling.   I will need to work on how to do that in non sexual situations easier.  When you are close to someone, laying against them, physically, it is easier to imagine for me that the emotions are really actually my own.


Of course, no one can force anyone to have sex with you unless you say stop and they don't, or you try to get away and say stop, and they hold you down and rape you.  that has never happened to me in my life.  I think I would be much more screwed up if it did- not to banish hope for people who have been raped, but I realize in my case, that I have a case of going out of my way to have sex with people when I think that they want to have sex with me, when it's actually my own desire, and basically being confused about what I want in general.  that would have sucked.
.. Even right now, I am projecting that this reader wants to have this blog written a certain way-  How the fuck do I know what someone else is thinking??? espectially when I don't know them? yikes.  well, that's what projection is.  believing that someone else has your emotions when actually they are coming from inside of you.  Anyways,

Sunday, October 20, 2013

this is from http://www.counselingcenter.illinois.edu/self-help-brochures/self-awarenessself-care/experiencing-and-expressing-emotions/

Experiencing and Expressing Emotions

Do you often feel like your emotions are out of control? Do you fly off the handle at people who don’t necessarily deserve it? Do you blow up over minor incidents? Do you find yourself wanting to cry over anything ? Or maybe you’re at the other extreme. Do you find it hard to get worked up over anything? Do you feel numb even though something upsetting has happened? Do you have every right to be furious, but you just don’t feel anything?Experiencing and expressing emotions are integral parts of life. Yet, for many people, emotions remain mysterious, confusing, and difficult to express constructively. This brochure provides information about learning to incorporate emotions into your life in healthy ways, including how to express them in ways that are conducive to building healthy relationships.

Accepting and Valuing Your Feelings

Feelings are an important part of you. In order to live fully and effectively, you need many sources of information (e.g., your senses, your thoughts, your perceptions) to guide you, motivate you, and help you make sense of things. Your emotions provide one such source.
Often, there is a strong relationship between the events in your life and your feelings–for example, to feel sadness in response to loss, or to feel happiness in response to something desirable. Feelings may also be related to past events or even to expectations of the future. For example, sorrow about a recent loss may evoke sadness from past losses. These feelings can be an important source of information as well. Rather than ignore or exaggerate your feelings, it is helpful to be able to take your feelings as they are, accept them, think about them, and learn from them. When you are feeling something consider asking yourself the following kinds of questions:
  • What is this feeling?
  • What is this feeling telling me about this situation?
  • Why has this feeling come up right now?
The following sections will address these questions.

Identifying Feelings

The relationships between the events in your life and your feelings are going to be less clear if you have difficulty identifying what you are feeling. Naturally, there are times when you are unable to precisely name what you feel. Identifying your feelings may require you to take time to focus on yourself and your feelings.
If you find it difficult to notice or name what you are feeling, it may require that you pay attention to your body. Most feelings are experienced in the body. For example, fear may show up as a knot in your stomach or a tightness in your throat. Our bodies are all different, so you will have to pay attention to your body and not just rely on others experiences. You may find it helpful to make a list of various feelings (e.g., delight, sadness, fear, insecurity, fury, shame, etc.) and spend some time reading over the list to see if you are aware of having experienced some of these.
Feelings are also connected to your behavior. If you aren’t sure how you feel, but you realize that you are acting in a way that sends a clear message to others, you may be able to infer what you are feeling from your behavior. For example, if you have an angry facial expression or tone of voice when you are talking with a particular friend, it may be that you are angry or frustrated with that person without recognizing it. Making the connection between life’s events and your feelings is very useful. Continuing with this same example, once you recognize your feelings, you may then more clearly understand and articulate your concerns with your friend.

The Role of Interpretations

Often your feelings are related to your interpretations of events more than to the events themselves. While it is natural to think that you are responding only to the events of your life, in fact you make interpretations or judgments of these events, and these interpretations play a key role in your emotional responses. When you stop to think about it, each event could yield a variety of emotional responses; your interpretation of the event helps link a particular emotional response to that event.
Consider the following diagram (adapted from Ellis, 1962):
Event → Interpretation → Emotional Response
Here, an event can be any occurrence in your life–e.g. a score on a test. Consider the example of two students experiencing the same event, scoring 90% on a test, but interpreting that event in dramatically different ways. One student’s interpretation might be, “Wonderful! That was a tough test, I studied hard, and it paid off!” Now, imagine the other student’s interpretation to be, “Oh no! I didn’t get the top score. I’m never going to get into grad school and that’s terrible.” Probably, the first student’s emotional response will be positive; the second student’s negative. The event was the same for both; the differing interpretations led to the differing emotional responses.
Your interpretations can be made so rapidly and so automatically that you may not realize they are happening. When your emotional reaction is disproportionate to the event, it is likely due to your rapid, undetected interpretation of that event, more than to the event itself. In effect, your emotions can be a valuable signal to you that you may need to re-examine your interpretation. Here are some common examples of self-defeating ways people think about and interpret the events of their lives:
  • Dichotomous thinking: interpreting events in extremes, in “all or nothing” ways (e.g., depicting events as wonderful or terrible, with no recognition of the grey areas in between).
  • Excessive personalization: automatically concluding that another’s behavior or mood is in direct response to you (e.g., “She’s in a bad mood. I must have done something wrong.”.
  • Overgeneralization: seeing an event as having more impact, in more areas of your life, than it truly does.
  • Filtering: magnifying negative events in your life and discounting positive ones.
  • Emotional reasoning: concluding that what you feel must be the truth (e.g., if you feel stupid, you must be stupid).
Learn to recognize any tendencies you may have to distort events through interpretational styles like these, and then practice choosing and committing to more valid interpretations. The resulting emotions will be more accurate reflections of the events in your life.

Expressing your Feelings

Just as you have choices about how to interpret an event, you also have options about how to express those feelings you experience. Often we limit the range of our expressive options by erroneously believing that there are only two options: either directly expressing them to someone else (e.g., in a personal confrontation), or “swallowing” the feelings and keeping them to ourselves. In actuality, there are many ways to respond to your feelings and express yourself. To some extent, you express a feeling any time your behavior is influenced by that feeling, but the way you express that feeling, and the intensity of that expression can vary widely. This is where decision-making comes in.
First, consider what your options are. For example, if a close friend is planning to move away, you may feel very sad about that. You have numerous options here. For example, you can tell your friend how much you will miss him/her. Also, you can make a special effort to spend more time with him/her. These options may be painful at the time, but they give you the opportunity to express your feelings to your friend. On the other hand, you can avoid the friend until he/she leaves town so you won’t have to say good-bye. Or you can stay busy making other friends so you won’t miss this particular friend as much after he/she leaves. These choices may allow you to postpone or avoid painful feelings at the time, but they do not provide the opportunity for closure with your friend. The point is that you have options, and it’s your decision.
Here are some useful questions to consider when deciding how to respond to your feelings:
  • Does the intensity of my feelings match the situation?
  • Do I have several feelings that I need to pay attention to?
  • What interpretations or judgments am I making about this event?
  • What are my options for expressing my feelings?
  • What are the consequences of each option for me?
  • What are the consequences of each option for others?
  • What result am I hoping for?
  • What do I want to do?
  • What if I do nothing?
Even doing something like taking a deep breath or going for a walk to think about it can be a way of responding to your feelings. Remember that you have many options when it comes to expressing emotions.

Understanding the Impact of Your Family

Our families helped shape our attitudes about emotions, our abilities to identify emotions, our ways of interpreting events, and our ways of expressing emotions. If you are having difficulties in any of these processes and are trying to change them, you may find it helpful to consider what you learned about them from your family.
Many people do not recall being taught “family rules” concerning emotions, but such teachings occurred, whether directly or subtly. A subtle example might be where a parent distanced him/herself from you or left the room whenever you got angry, thus indicating that expressions of anger were unacceptable. In other families a parent may yell, “Don’t raise your voice at me,” suggesting a rule against the child’s expressing anger, but subtly conveying the rule that expressions of parental anger are permissible. Identifying your family’s rules can help you change the ways you experience and express your emotions. Some common examples of problematic family rules include:
  • Always treat other people’s feelings as more important than your own.
I do not need to believe that Dustin's, my mom, my dad, or anyone else's feelings are more important than my own, and mine are not more important than Dustin's, my mom's, dad's, or anyone elses.  Our emotions are all valid.
  • Never do anything that might cause dissention or negative feelings for someone else.
If someone else feels bad, 
  • Don’t express anger.

  • Use anger to get attention.

  • Ignore your feelings, or better still, don’t feel.

  • Don’t trust others with your feelings; keep them to yourself.
I can trust others.
  • Never trust your feelings; trust only your logic.
I can trust my feelings, and I also don't need to trust them all the time.
  • Be happy all the time.


As a child growing up you may not have been able to experience or express your emotions in ways different than those prescribed by your family. As an adult you have more options, including replacing those rules which are not helpful.

Final Note

Learning to experience your feelings fully and expressing them in ways that are adaptive and healthy is not a simple process, but there are some key components that can help. In general, it is important to become a good observer of your feelings, to accept and value them, and to attend to what they signal to you. Pay attention to how your interpretations and thoughts affect how you feel and also how the lessons learned in your family about emotional expression continue to influence your behavior. When deciding how to express how you feel, give some thought to all of your options. And most importantly, be patient. Don’t become discouraged when you find yourself struggling with this process. Learning to experience and express your emotions is a life-long process.




Something I realize that i am doing is that I am interpreting the present as if it was the past.  examples of this are:
believing that I have to not be angry around Dustin- it is only myself who does not want to be angry.

believing that other people's emotions are more important than my own.  my emotions are important as anyone and everyone else's.  if i feel anger, i am allowed to feel it.

If I am angry because I

my mom was overbearing and my dad was patient and kind.  i am sometimes rigid and not able to let go of things.  dustin cares about me.  He is not merely giving me charity.

My emotions are real, despite me not wanting them to be

Last night I had an insightful experience regarding my emotions, whether or not I wanted it to happen.  I've grasped from my self work regarding my mother that I often was not allowed to feel my emotions and be responsible for myself, as my mother was constantly trying to take care of me and, to this day, is still trying to form an enmeshed relationship, me taking care of her emotions and she forcibly trying to take care of mine, and so on.  Living with Dustin, a person who has overcome a lot in terms of self reliance, personal and professional development, and emotional regulation, has brought light to how my life has gone, and these are the insights I've seen thus far:

- although it is hard for me to truly pinpoint different examples, my mother handicapped my emotional development in a lot of ways.  The more obvious example would be that whenever I was sad, my mother would try to nurture me not by listening and giving me a hug and allowing myself to come up with my own solutions, but by doing things for me. It is questionable whether her behavior is nurturing at all or if it was simply because she had deep sad feelings herself and could not handle that her child had them and she had to observe that.  It is probable that her behavior was due to the latter.

- The even more obvious examples of my mother and my father handicapping my emotional development is that they did not push me to do anything that would agitate me or make me angry, including chores.  I honestly didn't do any chores as a child, besides making my bed.  I didn't do the cat litter box until I was age 14 or so.  I didn't ever cook meals for the family.  I didn't learn how to do my own laundry until I got to college, and I didn't learn how to cook for myself or do my own dishes until age 20.  I didn't ever completely clean a bathroom or a kitchen until I was nearly age 21.  As a child, I was only nearly spanked once for yelling at my dad when I was 10, and I wriggled away from it- and he didn't follow me after to actually do it.  Now, I'm not for capital punishment necessarily, or for parents being hard asses, but a considerable amount of work can be expected from a child just so that they are part of the family, i.e. chores and helping with family meals.  While these things might seem easy and mundane, it is the mundane things I've found that are the hardest to overcome at first.  Try getting a child to do the dishes.  Growing up without doing them didn't make me any more mature in my emotions once I actually had to do them.  The thing about learning how to do mundane things as a young adult is that you have emotions like a child, but you are in your early twenties, so you look like a spoiled brat/idiot- which I guess I still am at this point.  Nobody likes doing the dishes, but being an adult, I can't rage out and pout, and stomp my feet and get mad at others who want me to do my dishes.  Ridiculous I know, but if you never had to do them and all of a sudden had to, you might understand.

- coinciding with the learned helplessness and lack of emotional regulation, my mother never encouraged or permitted in her mind or verbally that I could or should have had a job while I was a teenager in high school.  While some of my friends had jobs and I was intrigued that this could be an opportunity for growth, I was not pushed to get one or even encouraged that it would be a good idea, and so I never did.  My first job was my tuition supporting position working in custodial my freshman year of college. This is where Dustin and I differ. His first job was cleaning icecream buckets at age 14.  His mom had pushed him to find a job as soon as he was legally able to.  He faced a lot of anger about having to do mundane jobs- like working at KFC when he was 16 and McDonalds when he was 19- that he felt he was above, and yet, he pushed through them and realized that if he wanted to do better, he had to work for it, and find new jobs, get interviews, develop his resume, etc.  Now at age 28, he has already worked for electronics depts, Realtor.com, GoDaddy, and LinkUs cable installation.  All jobs that seem relatively mundane, but very involved, complicated and engaging in reality- and which make good money, too.  Here I am, almost 23, and I have only worked in disability services, custodial services, gardening work, and a little bit of retail.  I'm mad at myself that I went to four years of college to get a psychology degree, probably because I wanted to figure out my mom and fix her- take care of her emotions like she taught me to.  I didn't get a business degree, which would have enabled me much better for getting jobs that desire having people with bachelor's degrees. Basically, my degree is useless and I have 30,000 dollars in debt that I have to pay off through entry-level positions.

So, last night all of this came into my mind while I was talking to a person I knew from my adolescence on Facebook.  She is a young, single mom who still lives in her hometown where she grew up.  I remember visiting her mom's apartment when I was 14 years old, and it was nothing special, in a creepy neighborhood too.  She had re-added me because I thought that we weren't really friends anymore, but apparently, she liked seeing my life on FB and thought of me as a healthy food advocate for herself.  Flattered, I kept talking with her about our lives, and I learned that she works at Walgreens as a pharmacy technician.  I asked her what she made-  entry level about 10/hour, certified 11/hour.  That made me excited, because I realized that it was more than I had ever made at any other job I had.  This experience spiraled me into circular thinking that I needed a job that made that kind of money, and definitely more since I had a bachelor's degree, except it wasn't a bachelor's in business, so it meant nothing, and here I am, I can't even get my resume off of my broken computer without my boyfriend having to do it, so I tried figuring out how to get my hard drive out myself, but I don't have the right tools, so I'd have to wait until morning, and I could be applying for more jobs if I had my resume, etc. etc. etc.  .. and I realized, ...that I was angry.  And I felt embarrassed, and overwhelmed.  And I didn't tell Dustin, or show him in any way that I was angry- because I believed that I shouldn't, couldn't, and didn't need to show him or anyone else I was angry.  This all comes back to my family of origin issues, where no one was allowed to be angry, irritated, sad, doubtful, jealous, or hateful- besides my mother.

Dustin, not knowing anything about what was going on inside me- that I was thinking about needing a job- saw that I was breathing hard and making a mean face while I was trying to take apart my computer, and asked, "Why are you so angry?"  Because of my previous life experience in this kind of question, I assumed that this was further validation that I shouldn't be feeling angry and I replied, "Because I haven't felt angry for years."  We then talked about how I could get a new part tomorrow morning to open my computer when I realized I didn't have the right one, but I didn't say anything about my feelings beyond that.  Then I just got up and walked into the bedroom, went to the bathroom and then got in bed to sleep.  And I cried, because I felt so stupid that I was so angry about needing to get a job, when all of my money needs pointed to that I needed a job.  And I cried because, deep down, I knew that I would not be able to ever have emotional independence and self-sustaining integrity unless I was able to get a job by my own means, or take responsibility for my survival into my own hands.  Realize my own death, and my life.

Dustin eventually walked into the bedroom and asked, "Honey, what are you doing?"  in a soft tone.  I replied, "Trying to fall asleep.  Going to bed."  He crawled onto the bed, onto me and said, "Why didn't you tell me?" in a sad voice.  I said, "I didn't want to bother you with my feeling angry."  He laid next to me.  "You don't bother me," he said.  We talked more about how I felt I couldn't be angry when I was around him, and how he didn't even know what thoughts I was having in my head.  He said, "You need to realize that you're not the only one who has had these feelings."  He laid on his stomach, hugging a pillow.  I said, "But everyone else had these feelings when they were younger; I'm almost 23 and I'm still feeling angry about having to get a job for myself."  He replied, "I was going through those feelings too, when I was 23."   I didn't take him seriously at first- I thought he was just saying things.  Then I actually looked at him in disbelief, and asked reluctantly, "You did?"  He replied, "Yeah, I did."  I felt a little bashful, and then quickly let it go.  I looked into his eyes, and he looked into mine.  I kept looking because I realized that I needed to keep looking into his eyes- that he was seeing me for who I was, with care and love, and that he was telling me the truth.   He then told me that I was never going to get to where I wanted to be- guaranteed- if I didn't allow myself to feel my feelings.  I told him that I didn't want him seeing me showing my anger, throwing things, seeming like a child.  This, again, was part of my messages growing up; that I was silly and it was dumb to show my emotions.   He raised his eyebrows, shrugged, and said frankly, "I don't care if you show your emotions."   I realized that I was allowing my own messages to filter how Dustin was seeing me, and I was the only one not allowing myself to feel.  Anything.  Anger, sadness, happiness, sexuality, joy, frustration, irritation, any of the negative feelings especially.   It's now up to me to allow myself to be angry while in front of Dustin.  He is a safe person to be around, and although I still don't believe him, I will take his word for it that he will not be scared of me if I am angry, upset, irritated.  More honestly, I think that I do not want to see myself this way.  I do not want to see myself as angry.  This is something I need to realize about myself, and allow my thoughts and feelings to be however they are.  Including when I think about how my life is fucked up, and that I have to get a job.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

My affirmations

Coming from the book, Surviving a Borderline Parent, these are the take away messages that I received as a child, and here are my affirmations that counter those messages:

I just don't get people
I get people very well; I have a bachelor's degree in psychology, and I have been alive for nearly 23 years.  Just because things aren't going the way I want does not meant that I am incapable; I can't always get what i want with people.

tbc...

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Love that I need from myself; grieving the death of a dream

My mom has not provided the love I needed as a child.  Did she love me?  Yes.  But is what she does for her own selfish needs?  Yes.   The mother I have believed my whole life to have is: loving, caring, takes care of my needs, helps me when I feel down, nourishes me emotionally by listening intently, allowing me to be free in my own choices and desires, grow independently from her, spends time with me while actively participating in the moment, has her own desires and dreams, finds joy in everyday living, keeps the family environment cohesive by spending quality time with and respecting the life of each family member, wishes the best for me and assumes that I will make my own journey how it needs to be.  The reality is that this mother does not exist; it has always been in my mind.  The real mother I had did not provide me with these things, and never will.

In reality, this woman: hindered my emotions by involving herself in manifesting my emotions and care-taking for them, did not nourish me emotionally as she did not give me space to feel any emotions or thoughts, bogged my progress or independent growth by providing me with cars, money, food, and clothing which she assumed that I would not have the time or ability to get on my own, filled all of her time up with managing and monitoring the lives of other family members so that she did not ever develop her own dreams and then ever be happy, ruined family cohesion by angering and stressing each family member so that it seemed that everyone was living for themselves and didn't feel safe relying upon or opening towards one another, so much so that no one feels that they can be honest or open with one another and I believed it was normal to consistently warp what I was saying with my parents, finds irritation in every day life and goes out of her way to create conflict from her mind and project it into each family member's life, assumed that I would not get my own job, make my own money, or travel on my own independently, ruined family moments by filling them with ideas from her mind, steamrolled my inner experiences by adding her opinion, negative predictions, or irrelevant stories to anything I told her without allowing me to be heard silently, ignored my needs by not listening to me or acknowledging that I was frustrated, depressed, and anxious about how our family was, helped me feel worse when I was down by projecting her already fearful, negative mindset onto the situation and placing blame onto external circumstances for why life was so depressing, sad, or limiting, only cared about getting her emotions relieved,  and whose love was inverted towards herself so deeply and did not love herself at all to the point that she had no love to give.


I need to not be confused that this is how the person that birthed me actually is.  I feel like I'm in a sitcom movie and someday, the movie will have an epic twist and someday she'll come out of her hiding, saying, "Just kidding!  I was your loving, supportive mother all along.  I was just waiting to see how you did with an awful mother, and now here I am for you to enjoy our relationship."  Oh wait, that doesn't happen in real life.

Sunday, October 13, 2013

false illusions of my mind

sex is the answer
my fat is a problem
the cats care about how i touch them
my school loans


what is true life
Dustin loves me
the sounds of the present

Saturday, October 12, 2013

this writing is ludicrous, and yet, awareness..

So, I just need to write this out so I understand it...

While I was laying with Dustin, I said that I think that things will never get better with sex.
he said that I should have never delved into psychology.
I said that I think I have aspverger's..
but I don't
he said all the things that life has given me are for me to sort through.. that I am blessed because I am able to recognize a lot of the bullshit.  >>>> I realize that I am probably blessed compared to most because I have been through stages of being willing to please to the point that I am able to see that it is futile.
then I said that I don't think I have a crappy life
I also said that I realize that my life is based upon being reinforced as a sexual being.  And that I am becoming more aware of that. And I don't feel bad about it, because for so much of my life, I was not aware of it.  So now all I am able to do is to become more aware of it, to expand beyond it, or to let it dissolve, or to not believe it anymore.
I was able to walk and get up out of a sexual experience without fretting, worrying and able to have a small sense of release or playfulness >>>> was able to let Dustin tickle me without feeling upset, scared, or tense.
 it has to come little by little that I pay more attention to life without a sexual mindset, focus, or perspective., without a sense of being continually rewarded..
There are times when I feel that I must look at Dustin with certain eyes, at certain times, or that

I feel there is a certain openness to being interested and curious about the rest of the world..  There is so much of the world that I have not explored or understood better as a young adult.  The fact that I am writing about this is ludicrous.  I do have to remind myself of where I have come from mentally and emotionally so that I do not feel discouraged in where I am.  I also have to write about where I am so perhaps I can come to more terms of acceptance about it.

I also feel really happy when Dustin tickles me and I do not tense.  memories are memories, and they do not help tension of the present. getting through the day is what I get through everyday... however, this makes me more anxious.  wow, my thoughts are regressing me... each time I realize a thought that is not me, my muscles tense again.. first it was my back which was related to the idea of being present, that I wasn't stuck in being sexual and then.. I had a thought that it was so silly that I was feeling stuck in feeling like I had to be sexual.  This means I will have to come to more acceptance that this has been my life for some time already.  I do feel a sense of hope that I am feeling more and more of these open moments where I am allowed by myself to explore the world or follow my interests without requiring a sexual reward.  I am also having more thoughts and realizing that Dustin is not a sexual being.  While this is projection, it is also helpful in my own understanding that I am not required to have sex to be worthy, and that I am open to focus on other things in my free time. In the future, I may want to have sex, but that does not matter, because right now, i do not.  And if I feel like I do, I can realize that I am having those feelings.  touching dustin helps sometimes.


Sometimes I have a lot of frustration because I want there to be a release from sexual tension- as in feeling free to not be sexual, that is, being open to the moment and engaged in whatever else is present.  I try to do that a lot.. being present when I can..  but a lot of times, I get it confused with wanting to release it in a sexual way... which is absolutely not my intention with this feeling.

This morning, I was very happy to be cuddling with Dustin.. I wasn't experiencing the full moment because my thoughts were still floating around a lot about how my life has been based on sexual rewards.  Nonetheless, the longer he was laying with me, the more my crotch became tense and I was getting wet.  This felt uncomfortable and unfortunately, I allowed this to determine that I wanted to have sex, when if you asked me, I wouldn't have necessarily said yes.  What I did want  was to relieve the tension that was in my groin area as well as my mind.. No, sex doesn't get rid of anything.  Sex is only there if you want to have it.  This is the phenomenon that I was writing about last night.. that truly I would like to relieve the tension in my body and my mind, although it is not actual awareness of the present moment with Dustin.  Although I wanted to be free of the sexuality, trying to get away from it by acting sexually only gets me more caught into the feelings and thoughts which keep me acting in a sexual way.

I think there is hope that I don't have to have sex.

There are also some things that I need to accept in my life if I am going to change...
I don't need to have sex, and the point of life is not to have sex, or to have great sex. or to be validated by sex.. there is no validation through sex, or through good feelings at all, searching for good feelings is like searching for waves.  they are not always going to be there.  The point of life is to learn, expand oneself in different areas of life.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Fear regarding motherhood: my own mother and my own motherhood

Having a mother who has BPD was not a walk in the park.. and being a mother isn't either.  I realize that if I want to stop the insecure emotional attachment and regulation patterns that came in my own life that I need to learn about the sinkholes or quicksand spots of my own reactions in various and continuous parenting situations.  I also need to come to terms with what parenting actually means, how long it would take, how having a child would mean a continuing relationship with that child for the rest of my life, and the fears that I have regarding that kind of relationship.  That would include the norms and regulations of how active I need to be in my son or daughter's life, and in general, the sick-to-my-stomach anxiety I would have regarding having a child.  Also, it could be entirely lovely and I could have more love in my life than I can imagine.  What help is it to worry about the future?  Not much, except preparation by understanding the emotions that I have regarding it now.

In line with this thinking, how can I ever be open to parenting if I ever had kids if I don't experience the present now......................

In order to be actually comfortable with emotional displays of a child, I need to actually be okay with it.

Thursday, October 3, 2013

I've made it pretty far, but sex is still hard for me. I'd like to be present, and realize my images are not real.

Over the past month, I have been trying to remain more present in my life and while I am with Dustin.  I have gotten better at being aware when I am and when I am not more present during sex.  This is mainly due to me realizing the images that are in my head are not real.  Sex is still hard because I am constantly fighting those images and as a result, I am not present during sex.  I have images in my mind that correspond to how I should be perfectly acting, or what perfect state of mind I should have.

Despite the images that recur in my mind, I have gotten better at recognizing this as a common state that is pervasive throughout my life. I recognize that perhaps my absentee awareness during a sexual experience may not be simply my sexual experience, but also my everyday experience.  I recognize that I may not be perceiving- seeing, feeling, smelling, hearing, experiencing- the world in an objective way.  I tend to have ideas about what I am currently experiencing, and base my experience on that.  What an unrealistic way to base my understanding of the world.  I think being aware of what I hear, smell, taste, feel, and see at every moment without going into my mind will give me the best chance at living this life, and as part of life, experiencing sex.

I guess orgasm is not always to be the goal.  When orgasm is the goal, I become tense and I do not experience the mindfulness that I crave to have.  It seems that my answer to sexual satisfaction is to be mindful all the time.  However, I realize that being mindful for an end goal is essentially creating the problem.  I feel frustrated that my mind has created these caverns, but at least I'm becoming more aware now that I, indeed, am in the dark with how my life is going.

There was a video I watched the other day of an inspiring, and supposedly depressing graduation speech in which the man basically described to the audience that searching for meaning in life is pointless, because life is essentially meaningless.  He suggested that people should spend their time learning as much as they can about as much as they can.  This relates to perception as one realizes more that life is meaningless- there is no meaning to be had, just observation, doing, learning- it is much easier to let go of all of the things, or aims that one is striving for, and therefore all the habits that get in the way of seeing life as it is.

Learning about the world is similar to the attitude one would have while having mindful sex.  The point is to simply be present for it.  It is hard to do all the time.   I find it especially hard to be present during sex, when each moment ties together so rapidly, and one simply has to be present at each one- no time for analysis, or room for assumptions for how each moment should be.  Seeking orgasm is like searching for the end game winnings in life.  When seeking orgasm, I really don't pay attention to all that is happening.  And if I didn't think orgasm was so important, I wouldn't be seeking it.  With the lack of mindfulness in today's distraction-based societies, no wonder so many people have problems being satisfied with their partner.

As I watch my potential husband now, cutting up the quinoa burger that just came out of the oven, I realize this- that I'm fat (we're both fat), we live a homely life (that is, at home indoors most of the time), and we are still part of this system, even when we have our love for each other.  This love makes it a good life, but the reality of my experience is much less grandiose than the fruit-finding, attractive-couple, adventurous life I am currently imagining myself to be having.  Granted, we probably experience more adventure during a week than most people do in a month, but I imagine us to be doing much more than we are actually accomplishing.  Perhaps if I was more present to the reality of what is happening, I would actually experience.

 I still believe that I need to have great, amazing, body-rumbling sex, simply because I have attributed sex as having more positive influence over my life than it truly does.  I think that I may have a sexual addiction as by my observations that I find sex very important in my life.  It seems that I think it is a cure-all for any tension that I have.   I still have strong feelings that sex is very important to me, and I think it is because in the past I have used it as a band-aid to cover up other issues.  This makes me feel horny a lot because I subconsciously think that having sex will make my life better, whenever I feel uneasy.  This may be why I am so reactive and so protective over having ideal sex in my life.  I realize that I am making sex more than it is.  That understanding will have to come more and more as I experience my life more objectively.

I feel that if I seek a counselor, I need to find one that is familiar with mushroom use or existential issues.  I think the issues I have surrounding my life are issues of consciousness.   I am not paying attention enough to all that is life, not just what I am seeking in my mind.  Right now, and for years prior, I have seen sex as the ultimatum to my consciousness.  I realize now that seeking sex is blocking out all of my consciousness of other things in life.

My goals in blog writing

In my blog writing, I am also working to be more honest and share a larger picture.  I have the emotional tenacity and perseverance that I would like to share something honest and real, and when I honestly look at my life because I feel open to do so, I find it important to be efficient at finding the words that I mean.  When I start writing, I find that I need to take more effort each moment to be actively pursuing what I am writing.  I cannot simply say anything that sounds good and it's going to be great <<- a="" about-="" about="" am="" an="" and="" as="" audience="" behaviors="" behind="" better="" blogging="" can="" circumstance="" clarity="" clear="" clearly.="" dedication="" efficiently="" else="" example.="" fast="" feel="" find="" fter="" going="" habits="" have="" i="" in="" inside="" insights="" into="" is="" lead="" life="" more="" my="" myself="" nbsp="" need="" of="" on="" or="" order="" p="" phrase="" real="" realization="" realize="" regarding="" riting="" saying="" sentence="" so="" something="" sometimes="" still="" takes="" taking="" that="" the="" thoughts.="" to="" truth="" understand="" understanding="" up="" what="" when="" while="" with="" write="" writing="" written="" you.="" you="" your="">As I move forward in disclosing my life, I will become better at realizing that my time is not infinite and I need to simply document my experience, not evaluate.