Karezza and my experience so far

the last twenty minutes have been amazing.  I just looked into Dustin's eyes and thought, I can die knowing that I have felt this way....

the past few days, I have been taking it easy from sex, as I have my period.  the last couple days haven't been the best... there have been on and off times of tension and feeling bad about my own self development... I feel that I am not enough of a giving person, and that I am selfish.... THIS IS PROBABLY TRUE.  I feel that my parents never taught me to give back, to do my fair share, do chores, etc. and while seeing that I am old enough to be teaching things to myself on my own and I am an adult, I am not quite sure how to teach myself how to not be selfish.. this is something I want to research and look into.  .. For one, I know that simply meeting my own needs is necessary and important, as anytime I don't listen to myself or meet my own needs in a reasonable sense- food, water, bathroom, sleep, affection (when it isn't harming or using someone else), self-education/exploration, relaxation, work (projects), air (outside)-  anytime I don't meet these in a reasonable sense if they arise, I am teaching myself to repress myself, where it will come up later in a way that I expect others to meet it for me (as that has been my upbringing) and I am teaching myself that needs do not need to be met, IN GENERAL, which will influence understanding of helping meet the needs of others.  I do seem to have a problem that I do not feel like I can meet the needs of others unless I meet my own- and actually maybe that's a good thing, because as I have read quite a bit, you cannot help others unless you first help yourself.  It really does make sense to me- especially with love.  When I do not first help myself to do what I need to feel loved, or feel like I deserve love, then I have a hard time feeling loving or doing things in a loving way for other people.  I can always be decent, and respectful, making sure to do the "right" things, such as giving more to others, helping where I logically think it would be nice to do so, or correct to do so.  However, I lose some of the heart feelings when I do not teach myself... it is always a balance.  I know that pushing myself a little further that what is comfortable in terms of helping others is good, as long as I still feel supported and that what I need for myself is still there.  I do not have to be compromised in order to help others.  This is something I learned from my upbringing- "helping" to the point of discomfort and crossed boundaries- such as listening to my mother for hours on end when it is obviously apparent that I am distraught and about to break into tears-

anyways, this brings me to my new understanding that I have been developing about love.. I realize that I need to give Dustin enough space to be himself, and enough space to be myself.  I realize that I am constantly projecting- meaning I am talking about Dustin when I am really talking about myself.  This is something I know that I need to work on... and I know it signifies that I am not truly understanding Dustin's position, or anyone's really, because I am constantly putting my understanding of the world ONTO the world, rather than being open to it and accepting the world INTO MY WORLD, and developing my own self from that understanding,........ rather than my understanding of the world based on myself.....


THIS IS A LONG JOURNEY AHEAD OF ME.   I know I will have to do mushrooms, salvia, and pot a few more times, and it will be painful and tough, and I will struggle to see the world for how it really is... but maybe I can see it and just be grateful and perhaps I will be able to learn new things about myself and still be in love- I hope so, although my understanding of love may certainly change and grow...

Something I have learned is that sex and sexual happiness is pretty constant- not in that it happens all the time, regardless of circumstances, but that it has a certain set of criteria.. I am no expert in this!  that is why I research it SO MUCH.  Reuniting.org has been and extremely helpful website, especially after reading cupid's poison as well as going through many struggles and new discoveries of my own about my own satisfaction of sex, and avoiding post-coitus blues and/or drama, sadness, irritability, anger, "resentment" as some Karezza people call it.

Over time, I have become more hopeful that this can be overcome indefinitely, and also through my own experience, I have become more successful at avoiding it, even when not long ago at all- maybe even less than two weeks ago, certainly two months ago-  I felt hopeless that my sex life would never change, and I would become an old maid that falls apart without ever feeling love or finding it for an extended period of time.

With help of my loving, patient partner, simply by him being there and willing to listen to me, and try new things with me in order for me to feel more relaxed or less sad, I have been able to experiment with either learning to orgasm better, and then realizing later that I didn't actually want it, I learned how to avoid it better.  At first, I thought having more and longer, and deeper orgasms was the key and answer to my feeling marital and sexual happiness and satisfaction.  After having a few "good" orgasms, or better ones that I had ever had with someone else, I was still emotionally falling apart at the seams after nearly every time we had sex.  I honestly still don't understand quite how I can feel so insecure and terrible afterwards... all I know is that, from what I've researched, quite a few women, actually up to 60% have experienced what is known as post-coitus blues, and I think about 30% of those women experience it every time after sex, or frequently.. so either something is verrrry wrong with our society in how we have sex, or the majority of women suck at sex- sTILL from society's upbringing, mind you!- or women were made to not enjoy sex.   ...hmm, I don't think it is the latter.

.. especially as I have read so many testimonies of women deeply enjoying and finding SATISFACTION in Karezza sex.  Upon first reading these accounts, needless to say, I was a bit jealous, and even angry or sad that I had not experienced this.  Was there something wrong with me?  The convincing part to me that in fact I just needed to learn more and truly try Karezza with educated efforts was that many people on Karezza websites had either struggled with their sexual lives beforehand, and enlivened a nearly dead sexual relationship, or they never had much satisfying sexual experience and this was something that they wanted to try- or they had satisfying relationships and they wanted to see if it could be even better.  Karezza seemed to be working for all different kinds of people.

In my opinion, when I start to see something that is more or less a universal result, meaning it happens everywhere, I start to believe its truth.  Regarding veganism, heart disease is everywhere that people eat high amounts of animal products.  Regarding bad sexual and marriage life, fast sex seems to not be satisfying for women, whether or not the woman is deciding to have an orgasm.

A few days ago, I tried with Dustin to have sex.. it first started out that I didn't feel anything.. then, I simply laid next to him and I touched him, trying in my head to "be giving" to him, touch with a sense of care.. I then realized, that I could put him inside of me.   Rather than "heating up", I can rely upon the feeling of security that I have when I FEEL HIM INSIDE OF ME- knowing that he isn't going to come any time soon, and we don't have to move.  we can just be together and NOT MOVE.  it's great.

Many times, in the past, I have felt the urge to be "with" Dustin, and I took it upon myself meaning that I had to have increasingly tense, highly arousing, "wild" sex... and it turns out that that kind of sex isn't satisfying to me.  In fact, just writing about that kind of sex now seems foreign and unnecessary to me, and actually, when I think about it more, it leaves me feeling nervous and even upset.  What I did find, is that the other day, being still and being together WAS very satisfying.  I could rely upon just putting him inside of me, and feeling secure.

It makes a lot of sense to me now, but only through experience of trying it.. I am still trying to learn enough to put together the words and logical understanding so that I would be able to tell someone about karezza, or "slow" sex and explain why it is so powerful, and wonderful.  The main reason in laymen's terms is that there is no pressure.  In scientific terms, karezza, or slow sex,

I HIGHLY RECOMMEND READING THE FREE PDF by Von Urban, Sexual Perfection and Marital Happiness.  The title makes it sound like a pompous bunch of shit, and when I first heard it, I was like, A little big-headed thinking that you have the answer to perfect sex and marriage, Mr. Von Urban... is that even possible?  nothing is perfect.   

Well, I was wrong.  And it is not so easy, but rather it is simple.  The best way that I know how to give a good example of what learning about and practicing karezza is like is like Going Vegan.  Going vegan is simple- No Animal Products.  Does that mean it is easy? No way.  Plenty of things get in the way, from our past experiences and current seemingly challenging circumstances, but truly are based on our own lack of understanding and priority making.

For me, priorities are the most simple to understand and start doing in terms of "sexual life saving".  At first, when I was falling all over the place- meaning, I was crying consistently after EVERY TIME WE HAD SEX.. even when I didn't orgasm, or when he didn't orgasm, or when either of us, or both of us did.. I realized, there is something wrong that I was doing, and I needed to stop it.
I tried to hold off from sex, but I realized that I still wanted to have it, .. and pushing away a craving nearly forced it back into my life, I would get crazy horny and want to have sex, even though I wasn't relaxed or felt "ready" for it.


Many times, I tried to have sex, but I would try to think about either his pleasure or my pleasure, or try to think about our bodies, just how they were touching.. that helped me relax and be a little more present, but I still ended up crying afterwards.. and I still feel crazy that I cried afterwards, I don't know why or how, I still need to look into this and research it- again, apparently it is QUITE common among women to have these experiences, so something must be occurring more underneath the surface.

One morning, I asked Dustin to simply lay on me, and taking into account what I had been reading.  I had read about Karezza that it was important to be still.. and that often for beginners, being "gentle" meant for them something that was often still too arousing in order to properly practice Karezza.  So, I asked Dustin if he would try "soft entry" with me.  This means that I open my own vaginal lips and put his penis inside of me while he is still soft, or semi-hard/soft.  I asked if we would just try lying still.  It was hard for me to lie there for too long, because I started to get "tense"  because, as I explained to him later, I was anticipating a surge of tension, or orgasm.

A few days after that, I tried again soft entry with Dustin.  Before I asked, I had been touching Dustin in a caring way, and I realized, I wanted to put him inside of me.  I realized that oftentimes, I would wait longer, and try to build up tension before having sex, because I thought that I needed to be a certain tightness or that he needed to be a certain hardness.... in light of my new understanding in Karezza, I thought, what am I waiting for?  We can connect right now, and we can be soft.

So I put him inside of me, or as we could, what was possible for when he was soft.  And I held my arms around him, laying on top of him  ..... looking back now, I realize that we could try other positions that would be easier for us to lay in for a long time without being too turned on, but I'm glad that I experienced this nonetheless....   and as I laid there, and asked him if we could just lay still, just holding eachother and him being inside, I realized that I could actually feel him and it felt wonderful.. not like  a bursting firework, or even like a roaring fire, but just ..feeeling.. that I could feel him at all was great.

Normally during any of my past experiences in sex, I worked myself up into such either a mental activity of feeling like I needed to think about a fantasy or fantasize about the person in a loving way- (because I didn't actually love them in the first place! which I only realize now after meeting Dustin)- or I would physically work up tension into my body so that I couldn't feel anything unless it was a pounding fuck - which it normally was!

Over the course of discovering new ways of interaction with Dustin,

new ways of being gentle ( after telling him that's how I like to have sex, and be touched, and him respecting and allowing and being gentle for me and us),

and new ways of having sex (not striving for orgasm as a goal;
not thinking in fantasy, but in the moment;
listening to what I would like for myself and not project my wants onto another person, and if I do "think I know what the other person wants" then I look at it, remember I can't know what they want, and ask myself if it's actually what I want;
breathing more, without worry of how i sound while I'm breathing or making sounds occasionally;
being absolutely still, while connected penis in vagina),

I have found that there is a whole new way of having sex that when I experience it, I can't imagine it any other way because I am so wrapped in love and feeling good with Dustin.  I love him and I love him easily.

This is all said in retrospect.  Obviously, if you have read my other posts, you can see how much I have struggled with sexuality, in my life and especially over the past six months as I found a person who truly cares about me and who I love.  In this relationship, it has been the only time in my life that I can say that I have made much progress in the sexual realm and it is because I was introduced to Cupid's Poison,  a book I highly recommend you read.  I didn't even want to follow the book or take too much advice, but when I kept hitting a wall of PCB (post-coital blues) despite having a super loving partner and love for my partner, I knew that I was doing sex all wrong- and that our WHOLE FUCKING AMERICAN SOCIETY DOES SEX AND LOVE ALL WRONG.

The free PDF books on Reuniting.org have really truly helped me.  I am in the midst of Sexual Perfection and Marital Happiness and I am really diggin it.  I am realizing that the key to marital, and perhaps all happiness is not more deeper orgasms- as the US would tell you- but is truly sex in general, the whole acceptance of it as a social art and function between partners and lovers.  The understanding that the way to have sex in a propogative way- two hump chump or fuck and fall over- is contrary to having sex in a social, connective, bonding, happiness-producing way- slow, non-directional, non-confrontational or pressured, secure, allowing erections to come and go, non-orgasmic striving, feeling and being together as primary priorities.  

Sex creates happiness because it relieves stress and tension, with a person you love and you can experience it with ... and in order to have a happy sexual life, there needs to be less propagative sex, intention of orgasm, or actions which create a desire to orgasm or propagate,.... that is, there needs to be less stress of fertilization.  For the man, ejaculation creates tension in the body, and it does for the woman too!  The main thing that eliminates tension is NOT release of sperm, orgasm, etc.  Granted, working up to these actions creates a lot of tension that needs to be eliminated, but it ends up creating more tension in the body in the long run.

The main thing that relieves tension is being together.. and I still don't know why scientifically.... logically, I think it is because we can be in our deepest loving place with them, but there is no stress to create a baby.   I have read that it is because women have a "negative" charge and men have a "positive" charge.. which I first thought is a bunch of crap, but the more I think about it, the more I feel like I can complement Dustin with our energies and makes me want to be closer with him and also give him space at the same time.

I am also reading about skin contact and how it is so necessary for normal human development, babies, and kids, and how it goes into adulthood- how sex should be accepted as natural, normal, necessary, but in the right way- in Karezza way.  Von Urban's book is amazing to read in the sense that he makes Karezza sex seem normal and it makes so much sense to relax with both people in this way, and that kids should grow up in an environment that supports sex- sex as in touch, and allows sexual experimentation, but in the way of relaxation and not masturbation, but understanding that upholding sex as a connective art is the key to future marital happiness and a tribute to the ancestors, but I can't say it right!  Von Urban really does it best.  I just want to go have sex with Dustin right now.  I really want to pay attention to him. and be a negative charge and hold him and feel him inside of me.