I have not yet reached the point in my sexual journey with my partner that I am able to have relaxing intercourse with PIV, ie penis in vagina. We have had a lot of normal sex, but few times when I have truly been relaxed and happy in my vagina while we are connected together. I know from asking my partner that his experience is different, and more relaxed than mine is, which makes me sad, but I remind myself that the most important thing is to stay with my own feelings, because quite probably, the feelings that I believe someone else has, are actually my own, which I will describe about more later.
I believed that Dustin was experiencing pleasure that I wasn't, and I used to feel jealous. Now I realize that I too can experience pleasure and my perception of his pleasure paradoxically does and does not have to do with my own. It doesn't in the sense that even if Dustin feels really great or really bad, I can always feel different or the same as him. We are separate, and should each be respected in our own emotional space. His pleasure DOES have to do with my own however, because oftentimes I project my own feelings onto him, and I believe that he is feeling pleasure, when it is really my own feelings that I am not accepting for myself.
Sounds crazy, but when you grow up being told and subtly messaged by your parents that your emotions are wrong, bad, or need to be fixed, you tend to stop allowing yourself to feel them..- but they are STILL THERE! they just end up being pushed onto someone else, mainly people who are close to you.
My next layer of emotions that I've gone through is when I believed that Dustin wanted to have an orgasm or move faster in sex, and I was not ready for it, so I would react to these thoughts and get scared. I realized that my feelings about Dustin were my own feelings of desiring orgasm and not being willing to admit to myself that I wanted to move faster... My true desire deep down inside is to have calming, relaxing, delightful and gentle sex with Dustin. Because of my past experiences, I tend to believe that I won't have enough time, that I won't be able to please myself in the correct time needed, that I need an orgasm NOW or NEVER. It is hard for me to accept that my true desire can be fulfilled if I do not push myself.
Right now, I have been coping by putting the responsibility onto Dustin and allowing him to guide the pace, and for me to police it, by slowing down or cutting off when it gets too fast for me- regardless of how fast I am actually encouraging it to go!
What I need to work on, or become more aware of is that my own feelings can always be in my awareness, including my feelings of desiring orgasm. Many people strive for orgasm and want it, but through the practice of Karezza, I have been aiming to not desire it, although I have struggled to control my emotions and wants. Something that will help me is realizing my true emotions and desires deep down... realizing that the desire and striving for orgasm actually makes me feel anxious and pressured- and that I am doing this desiring anxiety to myself by not becoming aware of and seeing past it.
I am curious as to whether perhaps some projection is always necessary to be able to enjoy giving pleasure to someone else..? So far, less projection has always been better. We'll see.
Sounds crazy, but when you grow up being told and subtly messaged by your parents that your emotions are wrong, bad, or need to be fixed, you tend to stop allowing yourself to feel them..- but they are STILL THERE! they just end up being pushed onto someone else, mainly people who are close to you.
My next layer of emotions that I've gone through is when I believed that Dustin wanted to have an orgasm or move faster in sex, and I was not ready for it, so I would react to these thoughts and get scared. I realized that my feelings about Dustin were my own feelings of desiring orgasm and not being willing to admit to myself that I wanted to move faster... My true desire deep down inside is to have calming, relaxing, delightful and gentle sex with Dustin. Because of my past experiences, I tend to believe that I won't have enough time, that I won't be able to please myself in the correct time needed, that I need an orgasm NOW or NEVER. It is hard for me to accept that my true desire can be fulfilled if I do not push myself.
Right now, I have been coping by putting the responsibility onto Dustin and allowing him to guide the pace, and for me to police it, by slowing down or cutting off when it gets too fast for me- regardless of how fast I am actually encouraging it to go!
What I need to work on, or become more aware of is that my own feelings can always be in my awareness, including my feelings of desiring orgasm. Many people strive for orgasm and want it, but through the practice of Karezza, I have been aiming to not desire it, although I have struggled to control my emotions and wants. Something that will help me is realizing my true emotions and desires deep down... realizing that the desire and striving for orgasm actually makes me feel anxious and pressured- and that I am doing this desiring anxiety to myself by not becoming aware of and seeing past it.
I am curious as to whether perhaps some projection is always necessary to be able to enjoy giving pleasure to someone else..? So far, less projection has always been better. We'll see.
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