My Social Fears, People Pleasing, and Learning From Sex

I feel I am in a life crisis.  I'm really not, I guess it's more of a life purpose problem.  I have been noticing that my partner is much more socially and intellectually developed than I am, and I am frustrated that I am not more developed in my life.

This has made me wonder if I am truly projecting my own hopes, wishes, and dreams for myself onto my partner, because I am afraid of achieving and reaching for them.

These include:

Being able to speak to someone proficiently as if you know what you are talking about, and truly actually DO know what you are talking about.  I often don't really know what to say, or am not knowledgable enough about things that I would talk about where I really know what to say- and when I AM knowledgeable enough, I tend to present information to people just to say it, rather than being in a conversation.  ..which brings me to..

Being able to listen to people and understand what is being said.  I'm not sure why, but I am pretty bad at listening.  I try to hear every word, but I guess I am humoring the intention.  Sometimes I actually really do want to understand what is being said, but it's more based upon that I would like to have a nice transaction with someone else.  ..which brings me to...

Wanting to talk with people.  Period.  Wanting to be engaged.

Lately, I've been feeling really sad because I feel like deep down I do not want to engage with people.  I know that I do, and I know that basically, my displeasure and negativity is speaking.  The only reason I am not wanting to talk with people is because I haven't done it much.

Also, when I'm speaking with people, I'm used to trying to please them.  I do whatever I can to make them feel good, rather than speaking transparently about whatever the conversation is about.

------This was the SAME WAY I USED TO BE WITH SEX.  It was to please others, in an effort to please myself.----------

I realize that my attempts to please others should not be the focus of a conversation.  I might as well be giving them sexual favors if my aim is to please them!  Haha, touche, and funny because so often growing up, I too often would become sexual in an effort to gain acceptance from guys.  In sex and in nonsexual social situations, my goals should be self oriented first, so that I am not projecting my needs onto someone else, and then I should become more aware of what the other person needs.  The second part I have yet to figure out in either part of my life.

Before I experienced more of sex in the past year with my partner, I knew that in social situations, I was people pleasing a lot.  However, I didn't realize that I was projecting my own desires, feelings, and wishes onto other people, which makes it much more confusing to know what your intention for talking to them is, and what their actual intentions are.

Deep down, I feel very defeated, sad, and frustrated because I crave meaningful connection.  I notice while with Dustin and other people, there are many people who you can see deep down are very lonely, and don't know how to appropriately connect with others.  I see this in myself and others, and it makes me sad.  I want to learn how to objectively and correctly see social situations, my own feelings, my own intentions, their own intentions, and the subject matter.  I feel like a disabled person, honestly.  I'm not quite sure how to appropriately recognize all of these things in a situation.