How To Stop Projecting Emotions, 3 Steps

So, yesterday we had sex, but unsuccessfully in my opinion.

We had tried four different times to have sex, but each time, I either had a hard time feeling anything, or I was too horny to feel, but I still wanted to have sex, and so on.

I have gone through various layers of emotional discovery each time I have sex.  It isn't pleasant, typically.  But I find that it's necessary to question what I'm feeling in detail in order to take responsibility for my feelings and escape unnecessary suffering, such as crying spells after sex, and actually develop a relationship of relaxation from tension, pleasure, and feelings of love.

I learned that I tend to project a lot when I have feelings about myself or the situation that I don't want to feel, admit, or accept within myself.  I tend to belief that my partner actually has those feelings and then I react a second time against what I believe "they" are feeling, but it is actually myself.  I told Dustin that as I tend to err on the side of caution, really, it doesn't matter what someone else feels when it comes to making choices about what I should or what I do want to do.  Altruism and caring about others is a completely new part of this that I will never understand unless I am first true and honest with myself about my own feelings- that way I am not projecting my feelings onto others and subconsciously doing things for myself, rather than the other person.

I remember that only I can make the best decisions for myself, and what matters the most is my own feelings about the situation.  If it is hard to see anything but someone else's feelings, or your feelings ABOUT their feelings, then it is quite probable that there is some projection going on.  Remember, it is only possible to feel your own feelings-  you can only either give an educated or not-so-educated guess or have someone actually tell you what they feel,... and even then, you are still only feeling those feelings within yourself, from your own past and current experience of what those feelings are..

This is the healing part of sexuality which brings realization of the paradoxical external reality around you, realizing that your internal self is really all that you know of, all you can possibly experience... and anything that you might see is probably a projection of your own self.  Therefore, experiencing the world is experiencing yourself.    ....BAHHHHH I know.  This is a greater part of reality that few people truly understand, save those who have had deeper hallucinogenic, pot, or mushroom experiences and have seen the greater reality... It is hard to come to grips with- says myself!  Haha,.. projecting my own experience onto you readers :)

So, over the course of my experiential journey, I have intuitively put together 3 different steps for women or men who have a hard time owning their own feelings, or believe that someone else is actually working against them or their wishes in sex.

So here are my three tips:

1.) Be as aware as you can of what you believe the other person is feeling.

Although you may know or not know in your mind that what you believe the other person is feeling may actually be your own feelings, try to imagine completely and deeply, as much as you can, how your partner is feeling.  Maybe it is a certain kind of tension in a part of their body, or a warm sense of pleasure or relaxation in another, the strength or limpness in their muscles, the happiness, anxiousness, pleasure, aggressiveness, sadness, jealousy, fear, impatience, or any other emotion that you may believe the person to have.  Feel it completely; try to empathize with that person with what you believe they feel, not what they have told you they feel.

2.) Determine whether these feelings are truly the other person's, and whether or not they may be your own.

You may decide to ask your partner on their actual feelings- do you feel "_____" right now? Realize that they may feel differently from you.   More importantly, ask yourself, is it really I, not my partner, who is feeling these feelings?  Remind yourself and come to the realization that you can only feel your own feelings.  It is not possible to feel anyone else's as much as you may have been trained to believe that you can.  Sometimes you may have to go back and forth, determining that the feelings you believe to be your partner's are actually yours, but they may be based on other assumptions you have that you have to question.   Once you have realized these may be your own feelings, it is possible for you to claim these feelings as your own.


3.) Transfer your actual feelings to yourself, own them, and begin to take appropriate action for yourself.
Now is the time to own your feelings.  Only until you realize that you cannot feel someone else's feelings will you realize that the feelings YOU experience are yours, even if they appear in someone else's body or you believe someone else feels that way.

In my case, I tend to believe that Dustin is feeling pleasure when I am not.  Once I realized that his feelings were actually me projecting, I was able to transfer the feelings from him to myself.  When I felt the feelings fully within his body, it was easier for me to allow the feelings in my own body.  I also imagined his feelings shutting off, like a light switch, and the energy transferring over to me, or moving through into my body, like heat.




The reason why I suggest doing this exercise during cuddling, holding hands, or simply by sitting next to someone is because it is easier to understand what you think someone feels- and understand how your own true emotions really are- when you put it into a body, and physical attributes or experience.

It's important during this whole process to remember the words, or even say them out loud to your partner what you are thinking about, and be sure to write them down later.  Documenting your experience like a reporter is important to be able to see the truth within your sexual struggles and triumphs.


The great thing about this exercise is that it is not limited to sexuality.  Oftentimes in workplaces, home, family and friend life, mistakes and misunderstandings are made because people often assume what someone else is feeling and act upon their understanding of the situation from their assumptions.  By trying this exercise, you may come to realize that your own feelings about the situation may prove to be more valuable than you thought, or you may gain perspective on what other people's experiences really are, and develop empathy in that way.