Lately I've been thinking more and more that I am in a sense, addicted to sex- mainly the sensation of orgasm. In my re-educating myself, specifically after reading Sex Perfection and Marital Happiness by Dr. Rudolph Von Urban http://www.reuniting.info/sex_perfection_and_marital_happiness_von_urban,
I've realized that I am not addicted to orgasm, or even sex, but to the relaxation from tension, which isn't necessarily an addiction, but a necessity for a happy and healthy life- in love and otherwise.
As humans, we have strong urges of sex and eating. Eating is resolvable when there is proper nutrients coming in. If you have ever tried a fruit based raw vegan diet for a long time, you know what it feels like to feel fully satisfied after eating. No cravings- just satisfaction and peace. You understand the proper way to hydrate and nourish your cells and body, and because your body receives what it needs, it no longer nags at you and pulls at your thoughts and emotions. If you have never tried a fruit based raw vegan diet, you may know of another time when you ate a particularly healthy meal which deeply satisfied you, rather than depriving you and leaving you wanting tons of treats afterwards. This is the beauty of giving your body what it needs.
In Dr. Urban's novel, which I highly recommend to anyone interested in overcoming sexual strife with a partner, the author asserts that chemistry, physics, and science are needed in providing more understanding on the meaning of love, and suggests that love is a transference of bio-electricity which is experienced as a tension-relaxation relationship of pleasure, in whatever endeavor we take on. Pursuits of intellectual passions, feeling needed and needing someone to help us meet our needs, and physical arousal relaxed through touch are all examples of this.
I have found in my sexual journey with my partner that I oftentimes get very upset, tense to the point of muscular distress, headaches, and weakness, if I do not meet my own needs for relaxation through touch, and I am very frustrated that I cannot seem to find the pleasure in practice that I am understanding intellectually. Unfortunately, I typically block my own desired relaxation because of previous ingrained habits and misunderstanding to my responsibilities in a sexual relationship. I have been slowly overcoming quite a few of my complexes which influence me to block receiving of this pleasurable transference.
These complexes often include projection of my feelings onto my partner, meaning that I believe that he has the feelings which are actually my own. I come from a background of suppressing my emotions greatly, so when I feel my emotions, it is typical for me to start by feeling the "other" person's emotions first. In retrospect, this background has probably given me one of the greatest gifts in that I am learning about how to discuss the concept of projection, as I understand it very intuitively, but not enough to explain it. From my experience, I am learning how deeply projection can become entrenched in someone's life, and also that in a way, most of anything that anyone experiences is projection by default- putting our internal experience onto what we see in front of us.
I have the hardest time accepting and overcoming my desire to have an orgasm, which I know from the perspective of Karezza can create post-coital blues, and I know from Dr. Urban to be quite natural, yet curable through more gentle, relaxing sexual technique. His 6 sex rules are: preparation, position, duration, concentration, relaxation, and frequency ...which can be read more about in detail HERE
http://www.reuniting.info/download/pdf/SexPerfectionVonUrban.pdf
We have experimented much with preparation, and my partner is very courteous and aware that I may need a lot of time before we would connect PIV, and sometimes no PIV at all. I have worked to develop my concentration skills, although they are sufficiently lacking to where I would like them. We have experimented with different positions, although not with Urban's suggestions very much- we tried the sideways one once, and it was hard for me to stay relaxed in that position. I think my partner often wants to thrust in order to remain hard, but I have a hard time not reacting to thrusting at all- again, my mental focus on orgasm or avoiding it (same thing! :) ) affects my ability to relax greatly. Duration is fine for us- we always have sex for at least an hour or more. Relaxation- again, something we need to work on.
And frequency- we probably have sex a little too often according to Urban, and we both agree that waiting a week between is a good time. We used to have sex every few days, once a day or more than once a day, and I think I became too drained from it, as I had not known about Karezza techniques at all, and I was not allowing myself to receive much pleasure at all. I have come quite a long ways; before, I used to focus on pleasing only the other person, and hoping that it would please me. Thankfully, my partner is gracious and has helped me change that by allowing much flexibility in what we do sexually, letting me try what works best for me to feel our connection.
I have been considering whether my internal crisis of life is much greater than sex, or if relaxing, love-filled sex-relaxation is truly the key to my happiness in my short life. My previous logic would say that of course, life is much larger than sex. And I have much that I can accomplish and find love from in this planet. But, my current experiences have shown that I have a lot of tension resulting from improper, tension-producing sex, and anything else that I do in my life, as long as I have this tension, I create anger. Granted, there are many possible things that someone may create tension from, many other life situations. But, as I have had sex with Dustin, I have learned a lot about myself, my responsibilities to others, and responsibilities to my own self and emotions.
I know that there is a greater reality which my partner has told me about from his experiences of trying mushrooms, and I have not yet experienced, but have had hints of from my time trying two large bong hits of weed. I realized from that experience that my time is short, and life keeps repeating it's mistakes until you die, in a loop, until you break the loop. My partner told me that he experienced his own death and felt that he is now living in a virtual reality, watching the rest of his life, and every night, he fears his own death, realizing that nothing that you do in this life will matter after you die. Death is the great equalizer. Hearing this from him gives me perspective that my troubles, although the forefront of my life at this point, are still much smaller than this greater reality, and I have much more to fear in facing my own death than facing the demons of my past.
At this point, I am not sure what to do with my life besides keeping educating myself about sexuality and learning and adhering to the sexual and non sexual rules which best serve a long-lasting satisfying love marriage, meaning bound by love rather than by duty. I think my biggest battle is overcoming my emotions of desiring orgasm, and I need to research more on the techniques of how to do this. I know that personally, re-owning my emotions back from projecting them helps me assess the situation for what I need to do for my partner and I more accurately. Once I am in a state of relaxation, I am much more likely to experience pleasure and relaxation through simple and complex touch, without despair of certain nuances and changes in position or roles. It is when I start craving orgasm that I am not sure of how to touch or feel without increasing tension further... and I am not sure of whether I should stop intercourse completely and separate, only cuddle with my partner, or if there is someway to continue PIV (penis in vagina) intercourse and be able to relax tension.
So, so far, my tips for successful Karezza are: own your emotions, rather than projecting them; and, seek a state of relaxation, not rising tension to find relaxation- relaxation can be found first and foremost on it's own without an absurd, or uncomfortable amount of increasing tension.
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