Sexual Honesty: A Catalyst For Emotional Development

My attitude of being open to honestly exploring my emotions during sex has brought to light different habits which can now attempt to change, and some of them I have successfully made progress in.

I have found that earlier this year when my partner and I were first having sex, I tried to "be" something sexually for him and myself- the better person that I wanted to be, in sex and emotionally.  I wanted to be a giving person, who could provide all of the satisfaction that my partner would ever desire, giving up someone of my own pleasure if that's what it took.  In reality, that's not the person that I actually am.  

Truly, I am much more undeveloped emotionally, and I have a hard time receiving.  As much as I give, I also need to feel more.  Karezza style sex can help, as I am less inclined to strive towards orgasm, I can become more aware of all other feelings.

I found that the more I try to push my issues away that come up during sex- rather than talk about them openly, or think about them deeply either during cuddling, before or after sex- the more I am simply repressing my feelings, and they end up popping up elsewhere in a more destructive fashion, either towards myself or my partner.

Hiding feelings before, during, and after sex is more destructive than accepting them and making appropriate changes.  

Most people try to run from their problems through sex.  I know that I had this attitude for a long time,... that if things in my relationship didn't work out, well, at least I had sex at the end of the day... or in the middle of the day.. or the beginning.. hell, all weekend, if we want to. ... Just as long as I can escape briefly from what is bothering me.

Over time, by saying things out loud to my partner or writing a LOT about what my feelings are, I have been able to distinguish the right choices to make for myself which are more true to giving myself pleasure.  Other people may have different problems of habit, but the process is the same: first, bring the issue to your own attention, to the attention of your partner, and write down your thoughts, feelings, and hopes for what to do next.  Furthermore, educate yourself on the subject.

Honesty is the best policy.  Always.  Even if you don't feel you need to say it,... well, that's probably the BEST TIME to say it.  If you feel that you REALLY NEED TO SAY IT, then say what's going on, but more importantly, think deeply and write to yourself later about why that situation was so important to you.

As I've been developing myself sexually with my current partner over the past year, I've realized that there are many things that I have struggled in letting go and growing up from,.. but I need to accept these things honestly in order to move forward from them.  

It is better to work through issues than believe that they are unsexy or unfitting for sexual encounters.  Problems will arise, emotionally, physically, spiritually.. and sex is the sacred healing ground.  Happiness and love heals all wounds.  The connection heals.

I feel that so much of our society's education on sexuality has a fake-it-til-you-make-it, domineering, and forceful attitude on what is the right thing to do and how to meet your own and your partner's needs.  Refreshingly, Karezza doesn't expect you to have a deeply satisfying experience right away, and doesn't ever expect you to have an orgasm!  In fact, less is more, as a general rule.  Karezza does not expect a more-than-life experience which for one, isn't sustainable long-term, or two, isn't actually the truth of what two lovers are seeking for- peaceful, happy togetherness.

More specifically on what my own healing has been...

My partner is 6 years older than I am, which really isn't that much, but since I just graduated from college this year, and he has been living on his own for over 10, he has much more experience in the real world, outside of school, being responsible for oneself.  He has also experienced mushrooms, which is a whole other realm in itself of self-development and facing one's own demons.

Having a much more humbled, self-aware partner in sexuality has helped me grow and become aware of my own faults which I would like to change.  For one, I know that I am not a very socially adept person.  I can listen very well, but I don't speak enough, or much at all, which makes me appear sheepish, cold, or uninterested in speaking with people- which is true for most cases!  Haha!

... In order to overcome this, I need to actually learn to be interested in people.  But the most important thing is to be honest with myself about who and what I am and be okay with it.

Something I have learned through my sexual experience with my partner, my first, but powerful existential pot experience, and conversations with my partner about the truth of reality, is that you can only ever experience your own emotions, and you can never experience how someone else feels.  Although we are all connected in a web of life, you can only experience your inner self; everything you see is an illusion, and typically a projection of your inner self.

So, how does this relate to my non adept social skills and sexuality?  When I am with people, I should not assume that I know how they are feeling towards me- quite probably it is a projection of my own feelings, and I should practice seeing the world as a world in itself!  Something separate from me, physical, and something to pay attention to the details for.  Sex with my partner has helped me realize that what actually happens is not all in my head, but in feeling the here and now.  I need to pay attention to my own feelings and see the world more objectively and neutrally, rather than projecting and feeling trapped from everywhere around me.

So, Be honest with your emotions, to yourself, and your partner.  

Say them out loud, write them down.  And suggest solutions for yourself and to your partner which are based in cause and effect.  Stick to those solutions, and when they don't work, try something new.  Don't give up on what you truly wanted in love.