Over the past month, I have been trying to remain more present in my life and while I am with Dustin. I have gotten better at being aware when I am and when I am not more present during sex. This is mainly due to me realizing the images that are in my head are not real. Sex is still hard because I am constantly fighting those images and as a result, I am not present during sex. I have images in my mind that correspond to how I should be perfectly acting, or what perfect state of mind I should have.
Despite the images that recur in my mind, I have gotten better at recognizing this as a common state that is pervasive throughout my life. I recognize that perhaps my absentee awareness during a sexual experience may not be simply my sexual experience, but also my everyday experience. I recognize that I may not be perceiving- seeing, feeling, smelling, hearing, experiencing- the world in an objective way. I tend to have ideas about what I am currently experiencing, and base my experience on that. What an unrealistic way to base my understanding of the world. I think being aware of what I hear, smell, taste, feel, and see at every moment without going into my mind will give me the best chance at living this life, and as part of life, experiencing sex.
I guess orgasm is not always to be the goal. When orgasm is the goal, I become tense and I do not experience the mindfulness that I crave to have. It seems that my answer to sexual satisfaction is to be mindful all the time. However, I realize that being mindful for an end goal is essentially creating the problem. I feel frustrated that my mind has created these caverns, but at least I'm becoming more aware now that I, indeed, am in the dark with how my life is going.
There was a video I watched the other day of an inspiring, and supposedly depressing graduation speech in which the man basically described to the audience that searching for meaning in life is pointless, because life is essentially meaningless. He suggested that people should spend their time learning as much as they can about as much as they can. This relates to perception as one realizes more that life is meaningless- there is no meaning to be had, just observation, doing, learning- it is much easier to let go of all of the things, or aims that one is striving for, and therefore all the habits that get in the way of seeing life as it is.
Learning about the world is similar to the attitude one would have while having mindful sex. The point is to simply be present for it. It is hard to do all the time. I find it especially hard to be present during sex, when each moment ties together so rapidly, and one simply has to be present at each one- no time for analysis, or room for assumptions for how each moment should be. Seeking orgasm is like searching for the end game winnings in life. When seeking orgasm, I really don't pay attention to all that is happening. And if I didn't think orgasm was so important, I wouldn't be seeking it. With the lack of mindfulness in today's distraction-based societies, no wonder so many people have problems being satisfied with their partner.
As I watch my potential husband now, cutting up the quinoa burger that just came out of the oven, I realize this- that I'm fat (we're both fat), we live a homely life (that is, at home indoors most of the time), and we are still part of this system, even when we have our love for each other. This love makes it a good life, but the reality of my experience is much less grandiose than the fruit-finding, attractive-couple, adventurous life I am currently imagining myself to be having. Granted, we probably experience more adventure during a week than most people do in a month, but I imagine us to be doing much more than we are actually accomplishing. Perhaps if I was more present to the reality of what is happening, I would actually experience.
I still believe that I need to have great, amazing, body-rumbling sex, simply because I have attributed sex as having more positive influence over my life than it truly does. I think that I may have a sexual addiction as by my observations that I find sex very important in my life. It seems that I think it is a cure-all for any tension that I have. I still have strong feelings that sex is very important to me, and I think it is because in the past I have used it as a band-aid to cover up other issues. This makes me feel horny a lot because I subconsciously think that having sex will make my life better, whenever I feel uneasy. This may be why I am so reactive and so protective over having ideal sex in my life. I realize that I am making sex more than it is. That understanding will have to come more and more as I experience my life more objectively.
I feel that if I seek a counselor, I need to find one that is familiar with mushroom use or existential issues. I think the issues I have surrounding my life are issues of consciousness. I am not paying attention enough to all that is life, not just what I am seeking in my mind. Right now, and for years prior, I have seen sex as the ultimatum to my consciousness. I realize now that seeking sex is blocking out all of my consciousness of other things in life.
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