Today I learned that projection is part of my past, and controls my emotional present; the key is to simply be aware of it, and then realize my own emotions

So, today started out with cuddling and then me wanting to hump Dustin.
And then he wanted to hump me.
And we humped.
The end.
Lol


No, actually we did make love, but it was more about me realizing that the "anticipation"  I had talked about in yesterday's blog was actually due to my projections of my feelings.  I projected that Dustin felt how I felt, and that he was in control of my feeling good- which is illogical and not true.  When I wanted to feel good, I "anticipated:" and basically waited for him to make me feel good ----- DOES NOT HAPPEN.  We are taught in this society to get others to make us feel good and we make them feel good.  No one can make anyone feel anything.. this much I have learned from having sex with Dustin. He allowed me to feel whatever I feel and him feel what he feels.. and we don't expect to make the other person feel anything.  That is not how it actually works.  It is always about your own consciousness to the present, and following your own pleasure- not trying to get something from the other person, since it's not possible.. but receiving pleasure from whatever is happening in the moment, however that needs to happen FOR YOU, NO ONE ELSE... Anyways, so I realized that I was projecting, and instead of feeling like Dustin was "feeling something", I imagined what I thought he was feeling and turned it back towards me and realized.. these were my own emotions..  This is pivotal.. to my life..

I realized later on during the day that I often, if not, ALWAYS, project my feelings onto other people.  We were getting two new tires on my bike today at a nearby bike shop, and Dustin was being his normal, personable self was talking with the bike guy, having conversation.  I realized during those couple hours that I was projecting quite a bit.  I felt like the guy was nervous for us to be taking so much of his time.  When I actually looked at his body language and saw that he was relatively relaxed, I realized that I was the one who was actually nervous about being in the shop.  I tend to feel this way about many service people or people in general.  I get nervous about how they see me, what they are thinking... WHAT A RELIEF THAT I REALIZE THAT THIS IS ONLY MYSELF.  If it actually was the other person, it would be more obvious, and I wouldn't need to think about it.  I realize that basically, I project, more than I probably realize that I do.  So, I'm thinking that some counseling, or at least more knowledge on how projecting works, or how to handle it, through the internet research, or through counseling.  If I did find a BPD counselor that was legit and I think could help me live more in my life with my emotions without projecting, I would go.


We will see how my life unfolds...!