There is something important that I learned from sex today. I realized that a lot of times I project my feelings onto others and therefore believe that their feelings are 'xyz', when truly those are my feelings. Sex is where I first considered I was doing that, and today I actually realized that I am doing that and I have been doing that for a long time. I first learned about projection during the summer after my freshman year of college when I was researching borderline personality disorder. I had heard from my sister that she thought my mom had it and so I researched a lot to determine that indeed, my mother has many traits of it. Projection is when someone puts their feelings onto others as if people are actually feeling those feelings, when it's really the person's feelings who is projecting. It's unconscious, so most people do not realize they are doing it unless they check on themselves to make sure that what someone else is "feeling" is not really their own feelings/emotions. I began checking on myself and realized that I project my emotions a lot. Since learning that my mother does it, I looked into it myself and I realize that I do it a lot in social situations with my friends and also with my boyfriends, including during sex. I might have learned this from my family dynamic patterns growing up, where my mom always wanted to "take care" of other people's emotions - which is impossible - and therefore have other people take care of her emotions. It must be very ingrained into me by the fact that during sex, I realize that for most of my past sexual history and with Dustin, I have thought that other people were trying to have sex with me. In fact, I am the one who is trying to have sex with Dustin. He tells me time and time again that he is not trying to have sex with me, and that we can stop at any point.
Today is the first time that I put into words that I realized first, that I project my sexual feelings onto my partner when in fact it is I who am feeling those feelings, and second, that I anticipate a lot during sex about orgasm or about feelings that are to come. Together, I end up projecting that Dustin wants to have intercourse, or reach orgasm, but it is actually my own feelings of anticipation that I am projecting onto Dustin. Something that I would like to learn how to do is not think about feelings to come. Or value them so much. I think the reason that I hold onto the future, and do not actually experience feelings in the moment, is that I hold on to the idea so much that I need to have an orgasm. I get angry and cry when I do not have my anticipated feelings met. however, they are all in my mind, because when I actually feel them, they are real, from the moment, and not when I am anticipating them. I used to think that I needed to anticipate Dustin moving into me, but I think that I have become that much more aware of my feelings, rather than what is being anticipated, or a fantasy to match from my mind. I guess I have this ideal idea of how Dustin will move into me slow and steady, and I will feel it each time, like clockwork, that speeds up into orgasm. I guess this is not real.. as it is in my mind. In reality, the things i feel pleasure from are typically anything in which I am actually feeling it. Not by force, or by me feeling like I have to do something for Dustin. or that he has to do something for me. I feel like I have to speed up, and it is really my own emotions feeling like I need to speed up and have an orgasm.
There have been so many thoughts that have gone through my head about sex while I am having sex. One, that touching Dustin and feeling Dustin touching me are my own physical feelings. It is futile to be touching someone with a motive for them to touch you back or because you feel like you know how they enjoy to be touched in the moment. Unless someone has told you how they like to be touched and you are truly in a giving mood??? and you touch them for that reason, there is no point to try and touch them based on the thoughts that are in your head. Basically, it is not your job to take care of that person's feelings (although respect them if they TELL you something they don't like), and hence, it's not their job to take care of your feelings either, although they must also respect when you don't want to do something. Furthermore, it is not the job of someone else to read your mind for what you like and want, since it is not possible for he or she to do so, and it is also not your job to read their mind, since it is not possible for you to do so.
A second thought I have about sex related to the first thought is that I want to feel all of the touch physically, from Dustin, simultaneously. First of all, I don't know if this is even possible. I realize that when I am feeling Dustin, or he is laying on top of me, I can sometimes feel all of his body, and I can relax quite a bit. other times, most times, it is more that I feel his body at different points touching me, like his side on my stomach, or his thigh on my thigh, or his chest on my stomach, etc. I would like to feel everything simultaneously, but it takes a bit of concentration, basically I can't be thinking about having an orgasm, or feeling "like I want to have sex", basically the anticipation that he will enter me, his penis in my vagina. This feeling makes my body tense. I have in the past tried to say "no" to myself, basically telling myself that my ability to be present to all the other feelings is more important than focusing on receiving pleasure through an orgasm. Ironically, I do not experience that much pleasure through an orgasm than how I do feeling Dustin's body up against mine when I'm not anticipating anything besides that. I wonder if me saying "no" to
There are so many things that I could do and understand more about myself with this information. In general, for every time that I feel so strongly that someone else is feeling something towards me- generally a negative feeling- then I can check with myself to be sure that it is not actually my own feelings, myself who is feeling them. Often, it is me who is feeling those emotions. I wonder if I am in the habit of projecting my own negative emotions, that it is a habit I have learned because my messages given to me are to not accept my own negative emotions, something that I saw my mother model to me, or, that she often tried to take on my emotions. I realize that this might have been due to my family mixing up whose emotions are whose. Sometimes I even feel that someone is feeling something else, but then I believe that I am taking on their emotions------->>> NOT POSSIBLE :) lol!
So, something I need to realize about while i'm having sex, is that if I am anticipating a pleasurable feeling, we need to stop having sex, or cuddle, or lay there still. Today, and a previous time that I had had sex with Dustin when I was more in the moment and it felt good, I didn't anticipate things as much. Today when we had sex, I realized when I was projecting my feelings onto Dustin, I imagined all of "his" feelings, and realized that they were mine. That helped me relax a little bit, and feel more of his body against mine. Also, when I realized that I was anticipating, even feeling my anticipation helped calm it down. Anticipating, I mean, anticipating the feeling of Dustin being inside me. I realize that it is not even possible to feel what I would like to feel in an orgasm, so the feeling is ultimately not there. I no longer need to search at the "end" of sex for a feeling I would want. In general, I do not need to look for a feeling at all, since looking is actually the action of anticipating, and I will not feel anything in the process of anticipating. So, when I get upset after sex, when I cry, I feel like I missed out on an orgasm. The reality is that I missed out on everything that came after I started anticipating, which is actually me putting my pleasure in what Dustin is doing or in his body, feelings or physical actions. i know this because every time I "anticipate", I think about what "Dustin" is feeling, when actually, the feelings are still mine, and I am simply not present to them. When I have been present to what I am feeling, it is usually when Dustin is "doing something to me", so I correlate it (magical thinking) as a signal to pay attention to what Dustin is doing if I want to understand how i am feeling. When in reality, I should be realizing that every feeling that I think Dustin has is actually my own, and I have are my own feelings. Ever. This is something that I should learn in my every day life. It would revolutionize how I deal with myself, how I take control of my life. I think I humor myself sometimes when I think that Dustin has control over my feelings. This is ultimately what my mother taught me and would like to believe herself. Ultimately, it is infantilizing, demeaning, de-empowering, and just plain false. Untrue. Crazy.
I hope I can work on realizing that I project a lot of my emotions, and when I have the slightest hint that I might be projecting a feeling, imagine that someone else is feeling it - completely- and then realize, that is my own feeling. I will need to work on how to do that in non sexual situations easier. When you are close to someone, laying against them, physically, it is easier to imagine for me that the emotions are really actually my own.
Of course, no one can force anyone to have sex with you unless you say stop and they don't, or you try to get away and say stop, and they hold you down and rape you. that has never happened to me in my life. I think I would be much more screwed up if it did- not to banish hope for people who have been raped, but I realize in my case, that I have a case of going out of my way to have sex with people when I think that they want to have sex with me, when it's actually my own desire, and basically being confused about what I want in general. that would have sucked.
.. Even right now, I am projecting that this reader wants to have this blog written a certain way- How the fuck do I know what someone else is thinking??? espectially when I don't know them? yikes. well, that's what projection is. believing that someone else has your emotions when actually they are coming from inside of you. Anyways,
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