My mom has not provided the love I needed as a child. Did she love me? Yes. But is what she does for her own selfish needs? Yes. The mother I have believed my whole life to have is: loving, caring, takes care of my needs, helps me when I feel down, nourishes me emotionally by listening intently, allowing me to be free in my own choices and desires, grow independently from her, spends time with me while actively participating in the moment, has her own desires and dreams, finds joy in everyday living, keeps the family environment cohesive by spending quality time with and respecting the life of each family member, wishes the best for me and assumes that I will make my own journey how it needs to be. The reality is that this mother does not exist; it has always been in my mind. The real mother I had did not provide me with these things, and never will.
In reality, this woman: hindered my emotions by involving herself in manifesting my emotions and care-taking for them, did not nourish me emotionally as she did not give me space to feel any emotions or thoughts, bogged my progress or independent growth by providing me with cars, money, food, and clothing which she assumed that I would not have the time or ability to get on my own, filled all of her time up with managing and monitoring the lives of other family members so that she did not ever develop her own dreams and then ever be happy, ruined family cohesion by angering and stressing each family member so that it seemed that everyone was living for themselves and didn't feel safe relying upon or opening towards one another, so much so that no one feels that they can be honest or open with one another and I believed it was normal to consistently warp what I was saying with my parents, finds irritation in every day life and goes out of her way to create conflict from her mind and project it into each family member's life, assumed that I would not get my own job, make my own money, or travel on my own independently, ruined family moments by filling them with ideas from her mind, steamrolled my inner experiences by adding her opinion, negative predictions, or irrelevant stories to anything I told her without allowing me to be heard silently, ignored my needs by not listening to me or acknowledging that I was frustrated, depressed, and anxious about how our family was, helped me feel worse when I was down by projecting her already fearful, negative mindset onto the situation and placing blame onto external circumstances for why life was so depressing, sad, or limiting, only cared about getting her emotions relieved, and whose love was inverted towards herself so deeply and did not love herself at all to the point that she had no love to give.
I need to not be confused that this is how the person that birthed me actually is. I feel like I'm in a sitcom movie and someday, the movie will have an epic twist and someday she'll come out of her hiding, saying, "Just kidding! I was your loving, supportive mother all along. I was just waiting to see how you did with an awful mother, and now here I am for you to enjoy our relationship." Oh wait, that doesn't happen in real life.
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