I've learned that exercise really helps open up my muscles to feel everything.. I allow myself to feel Dustin touching me, laying on top of me.. basically I am so tired and relaxed that I wouldn't move because I don't want to. However, I still have issues with once I am relaxed to be closer to a relaxed orgasm or feeling anything relaxed, I sometimes push myself too far to try to ACHIEVE pleasure. There is a message inside my head that I NEED SEX. not just any sex.. relaxing, pleasurable sex. and I NEEED IT. The message is so strong I even work against my own relaxation by pushing myself when I don't want to. I notice that when I do actually have good sex, I feel myself allowing a back and forth, and at first, just allowing, like really allowing. passive feeling. these messages relate to my messages I have for myself surrounding my other emotions, which I think are a much deeper and broader issue. when I feel sad or angry, sometimes I feel embarrassed, like dustin cares that I feel bad. But I tell mysefl that he doesn't care, because he's told me so, and then I realize that I'm the one who thinks I shouldn't be feeling this way. Then I tell myself that I can. I look deeper inside and realize that my messages to myself are that I shouldn't feel this way, basically that I shouldn't have these feelings ever. I have a strong belief that I need to be happy all the time, which is just not true. I really don't need to be happy all of the time. If my emotions are there, then they just are. that is where I need to get to to realize that my emotions are okay, and then sometimes it comes to me at other parts of the day. I just hope that I don't ... (feel bad every night) but sometimes I don't feel bad.
... and then Dustin kisses me. :) and I allow myself to be happy and smile. I tell myself that I realize I can be happy all the time.
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