this writing is ludicrous, and yet, awareness..

So, I just need to write this out so I understand it...

While I was laying with Dustin, I said that I think that things will never get better with sex.
he said that I should have never delved into psychology.
I said that I think I have aspverger's..
but I don't
he said all the things that life has given me are for me to sort through.. that I am blessed because I am able to recognize a lot of the bullshit.  >>>> I realize that I am probably blessed compared to most because I have been through stages of being willing to please to the point that I am able to see that it is futile.
then I said that I don't think I have a crappy life
I also said that I realize that my life is based upon being reinforced as a sexual being.  And that I am becoming more aware of that. And I don't feel bad about it, because for so much of my life, I was not aware of it.  So now all I am able to do is to become more aware of it, to expand beyond it, or to let it dissolve, or to not believe it anymore.
I was able to walk and get up out of a sexual experience without fretting, worrying and able to have a small sense of release or playfulness >>>> was able to let Dustin tickle me without feeling upset, scared, or tense.
 it has to come little by little that I pay more attention to life without a sexual mindset, focus, or perspective., without a sense of being continually rewarded..
There are times when I feel that I must look at Dustin with certain eyes, at certain times, or that

I feel there is a certain openness to being interested and curious about the rest of the world..  There is so much of the world that I have not explored or understood better as a young adult.  The fact that I am writing about this is ludicrous.  I do have to remind myself of where I have come from mentally and emotionally so that I do not feel discouraged in where I am.  I also have to write about where I am so perhaps I can come to more terms of acceptance about it.

I also feel really happy when Dustin tickles me and I do not tense.  memories are memories, and they do not help tension of the present. getting through the day is what I get through everyday... however, this makes me more anxious.  wow, my thoughts are regressing me... each time I realize a thought that is not me, my muscles tense again.. first it was my back which was related to the idea of being present, that I wasn't stuck in being sexual and then.. I had a thought that it was so silly that I was feeling stuck in feeling like I had to be sexual.  This means I will have to come to more acceptance that this has been my life for some time already.  I do feel a sense of hope that I am feeling more and more of these open moments where I am allowed by myself to explore the world or follow my interests without requiring a sexual reward.  I am also having more thoughts and realizing that Dustin is not a sexual being.  While this is projection, it is also helpful in my own understanding that I am not required to have sex to be worthy, and that I am open to focus on other things in my free time. In the future, I may want to have sex, but that does not matter, because right now, i do not.  And if I feel like I do, I can realize that I am having those feelings.  touching dustin helps sometimes.


Sometimes I have a lot of frustration because I want there to be a release from sexual tension- as in feeling free to not be sexual, that is, being open to the moment and engaged in whatever else is present.  I try to do that a lot.. being present when I can..  but a lot of times, I get it confused with wanting to release it in a sexual way... which is absolutely not my intention with this feeling.

This morning, I was very happy to be cuddling with Dustin.. I wasn't experiencing the full moment because my thoughts were still floating around a lot about how my life has been based on sexual rewards.  Nonetheless, the longer he was laying with me, the more my crotch became tense and I was getting wet.  This felt uncomfortable and unfortunately, I allowed this to determine that I wanted to have sex, when if you asked me, I wouldn't have necessarily said yes.  What I did want  was to relieve the tension that was in my groin area as well as my mind.. No, sex doesn't get rid of anything.  Sex is only there if you want to have it.  This is the phenomenon that I was writing about last night.. that truly I would like to relieve the tension in my body and my mind, although it is not actual awareness of the present moment with Dustin.  Although I wanted to be free of the sexuality, trying to get away from it by acting sexually only gets me more caught into the feelings and thoughts which keep me acting in a sexual way.

I think there is hope that I don't have to have sex.

There are also some things that I need to accept in my life if I am going to change...
I don't need to have sex, and the point of life is not to have sex, or to have great sex. or to be validated by sex.. there is no validation through sex, or through good feelings at all, searching for good feelings is like searching for waves.  they are not always going to be there.  The point of life is to learn, expand oneself in different areas of life.