relaxed heaven

I realized I am in a constant state of fight flight breathing and lack of relaxation... my mind searches for the reasons why I feel terrible

When I'm in a relaxed state of breathing, I wonder why I was never here before.. I feel so blessed and happy, and when I return to fight flight breathing, I want to cry.  It's like leaving heaven.  And realizing you might not come back.. It's fucking breathing... but many times I can't get a hold of it, and the point isn't to hold it.. the point is to relax.  I live for these moments, I seem to have once every two weeks, or more...

When I'm in this blissful state, I start to look for all the things that are good in my life and I start to search for what could be better, what could be enjoyable, ... or mostly, I don't search at all. I just simply enjoy everything, each moment I am grateful for.

I hate that I leave it.  So many times.


I realize that a lot of my habits are due to living for so long in a life where I can't fully breathe on a daily basis.  Constant low level anxiety that's built into your day, not breathing properly.  Feeling stuck.  not being able to think properly or think at all.  PTSD.  I just want to take mushrooms so I will stop reacting so much to my thoughts, or I will see how it all works, and hopefully not do it unknowingly all the time.. start to make connections so I know what helps me breathe more in a relaxed way and therefore be able to enjoy my life.


I feel like a burden to Dustin when I am anxious and I cry so often.  I honestly don't know how to "control" myself.  If I did, I would do it.  I am trying every day, but the struggle comes between knowing how to act effectively, and striving too much, too hard, or too critically on myself.  The illusion is that it is a burden on him... he has not shown indications that it has, and if it has, there is nothing HE can do to change it.  It is on me, and about me relieving the burden from my own life.