I realized today that I LIVE on exercise. I have to continuously be conscious of how there is tension in my body, because it affects my thoughts quite a bit. I get tense, and then I feel tense, and I start to think in a tense way... blagblablabla.
So anyways, I'm planning on exercising every day, until I realize that it IS the answer, or that it's part of the answer, or that I am creating a void of tension to fill eventually... who knows, I don't. It's what I'm living on right now, keeping my tensions, my anxieties down and dampened, the anxiety that I really don't know what I'm doing with my life... or what I want in life.. on a daily basis. There are so many moments in which I don't know what I'm doing, why I'm here, ....
I am currently reading about mushrooms, about different types, about how to grow them, dry them, what a first trip is like, a lot of other's experiences,.. I want to know a lot before I would delve into it. It is very intimidating to be in control of one's own experience, when ultimately, I would not be in control of my trip. I would be experiencing it.
It's intimidating, period, to think that I am in control of my life. These thoughts of simply controlling a trip and doing the research myself, buying the tools myself, and learning how to grow it, and growing it myself, is intimidating. For awhile I thought to myself, I wish dustin would just tell me what are the best shrooms to use. but I know that I would also then ask him, which are the best people to purchase from? can you purchase them for me, since I would need to use a credit card? Can you help me set up a box to grow them? .... oh my ego, it would be endless of how many things I would basically want given to me... as I have had many other things in my life given to me..
Basically, I am scared, or intimidated, but the desire to be something different, and expand myself is pushing me to learn about mushrooms so I can do this myself... which is how it should be. Everyone should be seeking for things in their lives and learning, based on their own initiative.
I would like to have more initiative in my professional life. I have not had so much development in my professional life at all. I've had a couple of decent jobs, one of which was through my college.. two other short or crappy jobs in gardening and retail. One of my next desires is to expand myself, be better than how I've been in terms of what kind of job I want to have. I was thinking about how I have such a hard time trying to talk to people. I tend to believe that I should be quiet at all times, unless I am providing something useful to say for the other person I am talking to... how one sided is that? I really don't ever talk for myself, my own needs in relation to another person. It is hard for me to think about all the people I am around at once, and speak coherently. I feel I am inadequate.
I realize that I really feel like nothing. I think that my lack of professional development has been due to my lack of need to survive on my own. It is painful to realize that basically all my life, things have been given to me. Money, clothes, food, loans for a college degree, an apartment to live in, a house to live in, a car, I really haven't gained anything at all. For myself. .. A lot of times, I think to myself, well, I would never want to have a lot of things anyways, I just want to have fruit and get by wherever I'm living... Honestly, even though I'm living in a house that my parents own, it's still proving to be difficult.
I don't have anything to live for right now, except my boyfriend, which is pretty ridiculous when I think about the grand scope of my life, and how I should be searching for my own needs. Every day, I think about what Dustin wants, and what he needs from me. Very codependent thinking. I realize that each moment, I should be thinking about what I need for myself. How underdeveloped it is that I cannot research and do things for myself, but I am always thinking about what Dustin is doing. This is something that is what my mom does... and has done my whole life. Think about other people, never focus on herself.. always the one to be walking about the dinner table in the evening, getting things for other people, never fucking sitting down to eat for herself.. honestly, almost not eating at all, saying she ate more earlier, etc. She never lived for herself, and I fear that I will not live for myself either, and stay underdeveloped in that way.
The only thing I have right now to live for is mushrooms.. honestly, that they are the only thing I have ever sought after in my life in my own way, my own time, my own initiative, without a push or pull, or help from someone else. These experiences that I am learning about are the only thing to my name. Maybe there are other things I have done without people telling me to- like exercise- but I have always done them from the voices I have from the past "You're going to get fat" "Stop being sedentary" "get up and do something". Which aren't even my own thoughts... they were always my mom's thoughts, projected onto me so she can live through me. Rarely have I had experiences in my life that were purely out of my own desire to live, expand, and be better. It was always someone else's idea to start with, someone else's game I was forced into. Here, I actually have a chance of doing something for myself that I find necessary and important.
I can't imagine what it's like for my sister, who's 27 and still lives with my parents, what a nightmare... not that it's bad that she's there, but that she is just as far behind as me (22) in her social and professional development.
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