Today I learned that I need to say what is in my mind during sex as soon as I have it. There is no need to hold back in fear. When I hold back from what I need to say, I create tension in my body because I am doing something that I don't want to do. When I hold back from what is on my mind, I end up practically raping myself because I am having sex when I don't want to.
I am disappointed with myself today because I was looking forward to a relaxing time with Dustin. I am disappointed because I was looking forward to feeling relaxed during the day. But I have to deal with trusting myself, which is the hardest part.
but I allowed myself to be raped (again) because I didn't speak up when I didn't want to do something or I didn't want to have sex. This morning, we were both very relaxed.. we had turned on the heating system the night before so it was very warm and we slept long and hard. I was looking at him sleeping and when he woke up, he rolled over and pushed his forehead into my belly. He laid his head on my belly and we laid there for awhile.. he tucked his right arm through my legs, underneath my thigh and around my butt. I breathed into it. It felt relaxing, something I hadn't felt very often. I remember him crawling up and laying on top of me and two seconds in, I had the thought, "I don't want him on top of me." But I didn't say anything because I thought, "well, I can breathe through it". Then I thought, "I don't want to be doing this," but I didn't say anything because I thought that Dustin wanted to keep going. Obviously, I can't feel his feelings. And he told me later that he wasn't thinking that he needed to keep going. So, it must have been myself, thinking that we need to keep going to justify for the fact that I simply didn't listen to myself the first time. Not listening to, not respecting myself is pretty much one of the worst turn-off's I can create. It makes me feel like I don't mean anything. and obviously, I'm doing it to myself by not listening to what I would like to do. As a result, my neck tensed up without me realizing it. I began to slow down, asked to roll onto our side, then me on top, but I pulled away and walked slowly to the end of the bed, where I laid face first on the floor. Dustin came over to me and pulled me up to look into his eyes. I knew that I wanted to have sex- but it was probably just tension in my body that I wanted to release, both in my neck and in my vagina-, but I was so frustrated with myself that I no longer actually wanted to have sex or felt playful for it. I told him that I was sad, and that helped me breath through it a bit, although I knew later that I would need to cry. he held me and I told him why I was sad as he asked. He suggested we get the bike fixed and we go for a bike ride.
now I'm here writing. So, I think the best thing for me to fix this is to for sure, say whatever comes to my mind during sex. Second, slow down a lot more- in general, I love being cuddled, and I need to make some of the first moves. it worked when I went down on Dustin. I do not like being laid on top of right away.. too much pressure, too much stimulation. when we first lay against each other, I like to lay side by side, front to front. .. as for when things don't turn out the way I want them to,.. if I'm sad, then I need to be clear about it, say it out loud, so I can be honest with myself, and I need to cry a bit. If I don't cry, I need to hold my energy and find something to do with it... if I'm tense, I need to stop. period. any tension makes me feel like I am forcing a fuck.. which is exactly what I don't want to do. .... if I am still horny- WHICH I AM RIGHT NOW- then I need to be honest with myself, and use the energy for something else. StILL NEED TO LEARN ABOUT THIS.
here are some articles I found on containing sexual energy. a few really honest, rational, good description.
I need to learn that if I have sexual energy, it can be released in a non-sexual way. This does not mean that Dustin does not love me any lesss, or that I love him any less, or that I need to have sex.
http://www.sacred-texts.com/eso/som/som41.htm
http://www.oldandsold.com/articles19/psychoanalysis-14.shtml
http://www.calmdownmind.com/channel-your-sexual-energy/
http://www.health-science-spirit.com/healsex.html
http://curezone.com/forums/am.asp?i=1254369
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