tonight I yelled at dustin when he touched my ear... honestly I thought he was trying to tickle me.. so that is where I learned.. that it doesn't matter what someone else does- you don't yell at them. he didn't deserve that, and I apologized. He said that's how katie used to talk with him. I said that I never meant to be like katie, or be anyone who would disrespect him. ,,,
I was avoiding saying tha tI was wrong for doing it, but I knew that I was. eventually he said it's fine. we were by ourselves for awhile, but he held me eventually. I held his hand with such care, I started to come into realization how much tension in the rest of my body that I had. I realized that I could not escape this feeling, and I was in complete control of it, if I would only allow myself to feel the tension completely.. like going on a journey, I had to experience the pain of it. For awhile, I kept with the pain of tension and did not try to get away from it. At one point, I realized, this must be a taste, one tastebud, of what mushrooms is like.. realizing how you are creating your own pain and how you must change it.. simply by becoming aware of it and what you do/are doing.. I realized that this was actually my daily existence underneath all of the distractions and confusion.. and it was my job to become more aware of this pain everyday, for the rest of my life..
I imagined that Dustin went through these experiences, and that it was only as hard for me because I was just starting. I imagined a stone staircase up the sheer side of a mountain.. I was at the bottom, where there was tons of ice..?.. and that's why I kept "slipping" in and out of it, and it was hard to keep my grip on my actual pain, tension, and problem breathing.. whereas Dustin had probably scaled past the ice a long time ago, and probably was up in the jungle like stuff above, or way past where the clouds met the sky... I imagined it was a positive experience for him, but maybe the sensation was constantly dulled, and that's why he could live so easily. He was more open to positive experiences because of his pain, since that's all he knew.
at one point I felt like I was almost not going to be able to breathe.. and I realized that maybe that is the lesson.. to feel pain and own my own experience to the point that I could possibly die, and therefore transcend the push and pull of being led by my feelings... and not do things based on my feelings. I realized that I had responded to things during my childhood by not allowing awareness of my feelings, and now that prevention of awareness was harming my relationship by not allowing me to truly feel and therefore have compassion and understand Dustin's experience as separate from my projected feelings. I held dustin's hand and felt his arm around my belly, realizing that I owed this to him and to our relationship to remain relaxed within that part of my body, and continue to become aware of the tension in the rest of my body, no matter how much I couldn't stand it. I realized how easy it would be to allow myself to have tension towards him and that this was my experience, and it also prevented me from truly being compassionate with him.. actually, my resistance to feeling this experience was what prevented me from truly experiencing this with him. at some point, my body told me, "You need to go pee" and I know that I felt relieved by the opportunity.. I knew that I was also trying to get away from experiencing and being stuck in experiencing that anymore.. although I knew it would be back and always there, even if I wasn't experiencing it.. and it would come up
once I came back to bed, I thought "I'll tell Dustin that I'm sorry for being so tense." I realized that this was me projecting saying sorry to myself, which would be silly to do, since I HAVE CONTROL. and if I wasn't taking control, it was my problem, so I tried to come back into awareness of the tension in my body. I realized after this projection how easy it would be to harm Dustin. that by touching him with the intention that "I was sorry", I was actually not showing any true compassion or care for him, and that it could harm him. I realized that thinking about everything that I felt in a way of projection would lead me to do drastic, dramatic things to Dustin at the whim of my feelings, rather than staying centered and aware of my feelings and not acting towards Dustin in a means to try and escape them. So, I laid back on my back and tried to sense my tension, although I felt that I had already lost the battle by "giving up" the awareness by getting up to go pee. I felt bad... looking back, I realize this was probably a defense mechanism by my mind to say that it was okay not to feel my feelings, or feel the pain of being aware of them.
I asked dustin, can you not fall asleep either? he said no. I said everything out loud to Dustin what I had experienced, and there was silence, so I said, I shouldn't share anymore. I know that sharing probably didn't help unless Dustin wanted to know where I was honestly and asked me. Otherwise, it was an excuse to give or share responsibility of my inner experience with/to him. In another attempt, I said, Can I hold you? I put my arm around him, and I think he pushed it away or down towards his leg. I pulled my arm back and said, I don't know what that means. I laid back again and thought, he doesn't want me to touch him. So I laid down.. he said, I was asleep. I couldn't hear him, and he said again, I was asleep. So, I laid with this insomnia and came outside of the bedroom with a blanket here to write...
Dustin just came out a little bit ago groggy and said "what are you doing?" I looked at him and said writing. He said what time is it. I said nearly five. He said, I'm sorry I was asleep I was dreaming about pomegranate seedlings and I didn't want you to smush them. I said, that's really cute. that's ok. I said later, I don't want to smush your pomegranate seedlings. Honestly, I think he was creating a metaphor in his dream for dreams and hopes that he has for having a positive relationship and a new health coaching business and I didn't want to admit it. Honestly it is a relief to not be thinking about the tension in my body, except that it may come up again and I will not be as grateful for Dustin and still not aware of who he is to me because I have never come to terms with myself.
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