According to Osho, there cannot be happiness without unhappiness. Every heart that is rich once suffered much. I see that in Dustin a lot. He has suffered a lot.. and he saw the meaning in it, understood quite a bit. I have suffered a lot, but have not yet seen the meaning in what I have suffered from... even Dustin has seen more in me than I can see in myself. Like that my mom has made me who I am today, for better or worse, and that the worse has made me better.. I feel that I have suffered in sex quite a bit- in not enjoying myself, holding myself back from pleasure or rushing to seek pleasure hurriedly, but never finding it..- but I have a hard time in seeing the happiness gained from my suffering. How have I become rich from my struggles during sex?
Maybe that I value it more? But how do I value it? Everyone values sex, to some degree. Or, they don't at all- but there is value in that. Essentially, what does sex mean to me? Perhaps that is my richness, that I question what it means to me? Where others simply do it, and suffer the consequences without meaning?
... I want sex to not be valued as an extravagant show or exciting fall into ecstacy.. I actually do want those things, but I also want it to be normal. I guess what I mean by normal is, that I enjoy the calm, the nonhurriedness, the everyday assuredness that it will be there.. to satisfy my every need... - and that's where the crazy incessant desire to have glorious, rushing orgasm comes in. So hard to do though, when I'm pushing myself and not allowing it to come when I actually feel it. Such a fucking catch-22. Go figure.. maybe it'll change in a couple months when I turn 23?
What I need to learn for myself is the meaning behind my suffering. Why have I suffered in sex, in having massive anxiety during sex, or after sex? Crying when I have an orgasm, etc.? I have suffered because I have seen and learned of the damage of having sex when I am not aroused, or when I am focused on other things besides the present.. So maybe all of the things that I think about with sex, I shouldn't be thinking of at all. Maybe all of my thoughts about what sex is distract me from just living it. I think I could agree with that. I have learned that having sex while not being present does no body good.
I have learned that sex is not something inside the mind. And you cannot create it in your mind.. Society wants you to create it in your mind, control it, make it whatever you want, embellish it. But this ultimately prevents satisfaction and experiencing pleasure... because the thoughts in your mind will never be the experience in your body. That I learn that having sex is meaningless without having love or compassion behind it... even when it's with the right person who loves you unconditionally.
Is there any other meaning behind my suffering? I have had a few moments in which I have lived in the present, in another world so to speak.. as Osho calls in, the world of God. You understand that your interaction with the world is limited through your senses, and that it is all you have to build off of for your relationships. You cannot create worlds in your mind. All you have it outside of yourself. I have also learned that I have to relax into the present and yet also be attentive. Struggling through sex, I have realized that the majority of my existence and my everyday consciousness through my life has been stunted, has not yet expanded to being, living for myself, my own senses, desires, goals.. I am still yet a child in many ways, I am stubborn that I have to do things for myself, and I often push desires out of my head completely so as to not feel the frustration that I have to search for them on my own. ..... Ultimately, this has been the largest breakthrough of greater understanding of myself. These realizations first came to me when I tried smoking pot for the first time in the middle of June. However, they became more real to me when I rediscovered these feelings during sex, or after sex or when I was pondering sex, and my related states of daily consciousness. This is why I am studying mushrooms so much, so I can expand it..
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