Something I need to learn for myself

This morning, or early afternoon rather, because we woke up at noon, was kind of a disaster.  I realize that any time that I just break down and cry, it starts to feel awful and I lose control over my thoughts and my emotions.  I need to remember that if I need  or want to cry, I need to look at my options, ie: breathe if I feel exasperated; if I feel like something is on my mind, then please speak up about it; if I am doing okay, and nothing relates to Dustin, then perhaps have some time to myself to close my eyes, meditate, think or write about it.  If I feel alone, perhaps ask Dustin for a hug, or simply remember that he is there.  Only have sex when I want to.

I was feeling pretty emotional because of last night and I wanted to get "ahold" of those same feelings- courage, motivation, strength, imagination.  I was feeling bad because I didn't feel that this morning.  I felt like all hope was lost- that I find something one day and it is gone the next or rest.  This was a mistake in my thinking, as I found some of those same feelings- not completely mind you, but more than nothing- today after I was reading more and meditating about the things I imagined yesterday.. and reading about cob, and trying to find some clay outside.  I need to remember that I can take one step at a time, and reading things on the internet about the things I want to learn is time not wasted.

I was projecting onto Dustin again today.  I was thinking that he was telling me to shut up, but he never really did.  I felt like I was sounding like a crazy person.  I told him I'm sorry that I'm so horrible to live with.  He told me that he doesn't think that I am.  He told me that all he wanted to say was to think positively and not tell myself such negative things- like that I will never be able to develop myself, or learn how to be myself and communicate with people at the same time-, not to tell me to shut up.  He said, "I think what's happening is that you're battling with yourself and what you are thinking inside of your head, you are putting onto what I am doing.  I never said you were horrible to live with- so you need to stop telling yourself that."

Here's the whole, allow myself to be happy lesson again.

And here I am, after reading about cob, feeling a lot better.

The only thing that I still feel a little sad about is that Dustin said he is afraid of me becoming his sidekick.  I do not think that I will.   I believe I have the capacity inside of me to enjoy what I do by myself and still know that Dustin is in my life.