Last night, I realized that a reason I cannot feel Dustin- rather, I can feel his body, but I can't feel pleasure, or how it affects me, his weight on top of me, etc.- is because I do not allow myself to feel the pleasure, because I feel there is a "catch", aka, I do not trust feeling good.
This has been a problem with my mother. She herself has problems with it, I believe. However, besides that, my issue with not allowing myself to feel pleasure related to my mom is that growing up, I never truly trusted feeling pleasure from my mom. Since her other behavior was erratic, she tended to lie about going through my stuff, and she also yelled, swore at, and hit my sister and I as children, I was not able to trust her pleasure that she gave me- a smile, a hug, a compliment, a gift, food, chores done for me. This transferred into how I rarely trust pleasure from Dustin, despite that he is unconditionally good to me and he is not perfect, but he is willing to listen to what I want in bed and is patient, willing to follow me and do whatever it takes, without harm to himself, of course. There is no reason to relate how I can trust my mother to how I can trust Dustin, but it is an ingrained habit in me that I have struggled with for my whole life. I rarely trusted my friends.. it was only until I started living by myself these past two years that I was able to start trusting people honestly.. I started becoming honest after my freshman year of college, and I started valuing not using other people when I was a sophomore in college. My summer after my sophomore year, I became vegan, and that changed me a lot. Once I became a junior, I realized I needed space, and getting off campus was one of the best things I could have ever done for myself. I began to trust my own self in what I put in my food, and what I did with my body, how I slept, etc. No one could push me into what I wanted to do about these things. I think that's why I trust Dustin in general with this living situation.. because I have tried to live on my own for awhile.
Anyways.. about sex...
I realized that there are some criteria I have for myself of when and how I should have sex, which Dustin and I have talked about. I should only have sex if I am : #1- breathing, #2- aroused, and #3- wanting to have sex (honestly in my mind) Also, it seems good for me that I have sex a couple times... Sometimes, if Dustin wants to go further than I do, and I want him inside of me, but I am not ready for orgasm, I will let him orgasm, but I will wait for a second time to have sex. Normally, if I have been breathing the whole time, and I am feeling his body, maybe not too a full extent, but to an extent that I am happy, I will still feel good, and I can be a little more relaxed. Not always do we have to go a second time. Sometimes, Dustin cannot because he is tired. Sometimes I can feel good just having sex once, without having an orgasm.
He and I both agree that having sex with or without orgasm (in a relaxed way, mind you) relaxes the body in a way that other things cannot. I am still stuck and frustrated by the fact that I cannot experience the relaxation that comes with having a relaxing orgasm right now. Having an orgasm when I am tense and not feeling it is worse than being relaxed where I am at and allowing Dustin to be having an orgasm. It is better to be horny and relaxed and tense in a good feeling way and allow Dustin to orgasm than to worry that I am not there with him and to try to slow down or manipulate my own body to relax in another certain way. If I am horny, but any tension does not feel good when I am touched, or I don't want to touch him, then this is called a tantrum, and I need to learn what I can do about it. When I deal more with tantrums and how I feel about them during sex or after sex, or during the day, I will have to write out each scenario deeply and articulately about what can happen during sex and during the day and what is the appropriate action to take with it. Sometimes I am horny to the point of having tension in my body, and it feels good to touch. Sometimes I have tension and it does not feel good. As Dustin says, it is hard to follow, but I guess I am the leader and I will lead how I need to. I cannot push myself to have sex at all, and that is understandable.
Both Dustin and I agree that more exercise will help both of our bodies be more relaxed in different ways.. once we sufficiently use our energy, our bodies won't tense up as much. I am worried that exercising a lot will keep my muscles even stronger to tense up, but Dustin reassures me that this will not happen.. that my muscles will stay relaxed if we keep exercising and stretching. I am worried that there will be micro-tensions in my muscles, but I think that in general, just like yoga, exercise only brings up tensions that were already there and you now notice them. Exercise will help relax or release more feeling, and when I have more feelings, I will need to learn how to deal with them.
I will need to learn how to deal with the feelings related to sexual cravings that will come up more as I feel more. Something I need to research more that Dustin and I talked about is turning sexual craving into "strength". He was in a relationship for three years in Arizona with a woman in which they didn't have sex, or very few times. He learned a lot about how to hold off sexual tension, and then how to turn it into another kind of energy. He said that he would often exercise when he felt sexual tension coming on, and he would feel more energized. This is something apparently that raw guru "Dan the Man" has also experienced with his wife, who he does not have sex with. I would like to learn more about it, and begin disciplining myself with my own sexual cravings. I can even experience tantrums sometimes, and I would like to learn how to deal with them. When I am horny and I do not know what to do, I would like to know what to do. I believe that this may help sex have less control over me and I will have more ease in and out of having orgasms or not. I'm sure that when I start exercising more, I will start feeling more, and I will need to learn how to deal with more feelings of not being satisfied enough. So, these are things that I can work on outside of trust issues that may help our sexual experiences in general.
I still believe that my trust issues with my mom will need to be helped through mushrooms, or finishing writing my letter to her that tells her upfront everything I feel about our relationship. Also, eventually becoming more independent financially, will help. I realize that becoming more independent and allowing myself to reach out in love is probably the best things I can do. It is hard because I still rely upon Dustin for a lot of things emotionally. I may struggle with a lot of tantrums. But I want to learn how to deal with them, and I will see how it's better to participate in things.
On a lighter note, both Dustin and I have been losing weight as we have been preparing for a juice, lemonade, fast. We have been listening to our bodies- don't care if you think it's BS- and been eating less and hydrating when we need to. He has already lost nearly ten pounds, probably partially water weight and weight from holding onto salts, etc. I have gotten down to almost 160 lbs, which I haven't been for over a year and a half. I used to eat a lot of carbs- high calorie- and I exercised moderately. But I was against fasting. I thought it was against your body, and masochistic. But I realized that my body holds onto fats because it is getting too many nutrients as it is. And I've learned that a lot of times, I am not actually hungry, like this morning. I normally am only eating fruit juice, a few pieces of fruit, and sometimes some dehydrated fruit these days, but not a lot. Basically, the hydration (water), sugar, and lemon juice (citric acid bite) will help tame and nourish my body in the way it needs to. I think I was the one originally to suggest to Dustin to use lemon in his water fasting :)
No comments:
Post a Comment