So, Dustin and I were talking yesterday in the car about how it will take us awhile for each of us to trust that we can be happy with one another or with life in general. Now that we are together, we can trust life more and allow ourselves to be happy. I was saying how a lot of times my mind will make up reasons WHY I am happy- rather than just being happy- and it will tell me that I need to do certain things right in order to keep being happy.
Last night, sitting in bed, I realized this more. Dustin and I had been making out and rolling around holding each other, and I slowly pulled away from him. We laid there quiet for a minute and he asked, "What is the matter?" I told him that I should have told him earlier the words that were going through my head- which were, I dont want to have sex, and, we should stop. He said, "I'm sorry, I tried to go slower." I said "that's okay, I should have told you that I didn't want to have sex. I guess I just wanted to be present." He wrapped his arm around my face and then touched my chin.
So, I laid in bed and held tension in my body. I realized as I was laying that as I was trying to relax, my body was jerking around in little spasms. I was trying to not be frustrated as I realized that we stopped and that it's okay. I felt guilty, and I realized that I was feeling this feeling because I was trying to escape my tension in my body. Then I realized that I had done the tension to myself.. and for a few moments I realized deeply that I had created my own suffering and the thoughts in my head telling me to do things are from myself.
Tah-dah!... except I still tell myself to do things in my head a lot, so I need to realize that I am creating my own suffering... and that I can just be happy for no reason at all.. or for the reason that I am in a safe environment with Dustin.
So, today, I would like to start writing down the thoughts that I have in my head which my mind tells me that I need to believe that I need to do in order to be happy. I started writing this today because I have thoughts in my head that I need to write down, a couple of them, actually. The first thought was.. I need to do things right in growing things.. Dustin reassured me that I don't have to live up to any expectations or standard of success at all, by him or what he does. I realized that I can just be happy with growing however I decide to do it. The second thought I had is that I need to not tell Dustin what to do. I accidentally sprayed him with water and I said, "You're okay" he playfully told me, "Don't tell me how I am." and I said, "Sorry... I won't tell you how you are." He said, "It's okay, I just thought it was funny." So I thought that I need to be on guard and not inflict upon his independence. He said it was funny; he didn't think I was actually doing anything malevolent. I can just be happy that I am interacting with him at all.
So, the next thing that I wanted to do with my thoughts is check over the next few days, or the day, or the week, if I have been happy at other times when I am not doing the things or actively paying attention to doing the things that my mind thinks that I need to do to be happy.
So, two thoughts, and more as this continues:
1. I need to do things a right way when I am growing things.
2. I need to not inflict on Dustin's independence.
1. I can just be happy growing however I decide to do it.
2. I can just be happy that I am interacting with Dustin in any way at all.
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