What I learned today.. I thought it was useless.. probably the most useful thing I could learn

So today Dustin and I attempted to have sex three different times.. talk about patient on his part..

Anyways, each time, I realized that I wasn't breathing very well, this was a continuing factor of this morning, when I felt that I wasn't breathing very well either.. I think I have a hard time breathing all day long.

I learned about WILLPOWER VS WILLINGNESS.  The better question to ask myself, rather than telling myself, "I will relax" or "I will have sex"  or "I will get better at having sex"  is "Will I relax?"  "Will I breathe?"  "Will I have sex?"

I think I need to be happy about where I am right now in regards to having sex.  When I don't want to have sex, I don't need to, and i can ask myself, "Will I have sex?"  or "Will I be aroused?"
And leave that openness... be curious about my own sex life.. I don't have to get it "right".. hell, I've done some pretty wrong things for so long, like not being able to say no to sex, to virtually anyone who shows sexual interest in me and is willing to put themselves out there to try and have it with me..  pretty terrible.  Now I'm getting used to the fact that Dustin ISN'T WITH ME FOR THAT REASON.  He just wants to be with someone who is intelligent, passionate, raw vegan or health seeking, and understands him and cares about his being.  I'm already that.. and I don't need to please him, live up to something- that is my family life (my mom) rearing it's head in my own thoughts, tellling me that I need to be "better"..

So, something I need to remember is that if I want to be "successful" in my sex habits, then I need to be willing to ask myself questions and be curious about sex... and be HONEST WITH MYSELF.  not run myself into the ground.  I need the most support from myself that I can get.  that means that I will never get "the best" experience, but I can learn from what I am experiencing and always  TRY SOMETHING NEW.  Build on my past experiences.