So, the reason that I titled this memoir as Your Whole Life is On Car Trips is because, one day when I was in highschool, my mother said just that same phrase to me. And I knew that it sounded like a cool title for a memoir or autobiography. Because it's true. Life is a series of blips, for most people. And most people spend the majority of their time in a car, if not a lot of it. I realized that for so much of my life, I had forgotten the inbetweens, the seconds that pass which include your thoughts where you really are, but you forget that they actually mean something. I realized that my life was becoming a series of events, something that was further shown to me this summer after I tried pot for the first time. My life was cut into segments, that mostly kept repeating, like a loop, that I couldn't get out of.. only little by little could I change.
I just want people to realize that this story is coming right out of my life. All of the details are not hidden, although some are left out due to my discretion for which are the important things which occurred. Sex is not left out. Feelings are not left out. My ideas are not left out, nor my dreams. My rational and irrational understandings for how things happened or why I was or am a certain way were not recreated. They were only given in the way which I needed them to be told.
I found myself tonight.
It was after sex. I let myself sift through all of the emotions that I normally go through... guilt, anger, fear, sadness, jealousy, annoyance, disturbance, frustration, hopelessness, gratefulness, etc. I just let myself breathe through them. First, I realized that the reason I might be having all of these feelings is that I might have been expecting to have an orgasm, and that is why I was disappointed. But then I realized that back and forth in my head, I didn't really want that. I realized that I had left myself during sex,.. when I said to myself that I didn't want to have sex, but I kept going.. from the pressure of my own voices inside of my head. After sex, I oftentimes feel that Dustin is "leaving me" when he has an orgasm. I realized consciously that this was me projecting my own understanding that I was
leaving myself during sex, and I was feeling fearful. I recognized that feeling of fear inside of myself and I pulled into myself and recognized that I could be with myself, and there would be no reason to fear.
While I was breathing and contemplating all the reasons why I was potentially leaving myself, then I heard a voice coming inside myself ( in my head)
Why do you always have to leave me? This was my inner self, and I realized that this voice was coming from inside of me when I noticed that I didn't allow myself to feel things, I noticed that during sex, I left myself.
I looked at myself in the mirror and I saw myself. I sighed with relief. I saw my ten year old self inside of my face, and I realized how beautiful she was. I realized why people had thought I was so beautiful. Then I saw a more faded out version of me as a teenager, and as a young adult. Then I saw myself as a woman, and it was as if all of the color came into my body that I saw in the mirror, into my dress, my cheeks, my eyes, my hair. I thought to myself that I looked like a woman. I realized with my knee laying on top of the countertop that my hand was laying around my relaxed, breathing belly, and I looked like I was pregnant. Hopefully someday I will be small enough that I will only look like that when I actually am pregnant! Regardless, I saw myself as a strong woman who could build her own home for her family, a strong woman who could build a home for her children to raise them in. I realized that I am that woman. I realized why I had been so drawn to permaculture, all of the possibilities I had to be able to build things, create spaces, create homes.. I kept having images in my mind of screwing together two pieces of 2 by 4's at a right angle joint, and keep screwing together more 2 by 4 pieces at other right angles, that build into a tall frame, that eventually would be a house in my mind. Ultimately, I realized that I wanted to build a dwelling, a home, a fort, a clubhouse, a shack, a shed, anything you could fit inside and live in. Anywhere that you could go to when you wanted to be lonely for awhile and breathe and look out of the window and sigh that you are okay and not alone because you have yourself. I realize now that I would like to make a tree fort, but these are all ideas I have had from the past. The ideas I had tonight were made of pure imagination and the love created from listening to myself. .. The thoughts going through my head were that I also realized that I wanted to learn everything I could about how to "grow" a building. How to mold the earthen clay, straw, or mud around a wooden truss or floorboard to insulate heat and build the walls that would become the ceiling and roof to hold the structure together. No wonder I was drawn to permaculture, I realized to myself that,
I am a permaculturist.
Dustin told me, "I always want to here what you have to say. There's no audience for you here."
I realize that this is only the beginning on my journey with myself.
I also want to learn more about building a cat house. I think I can do it. with earth, and wood, and scrap metal and electricity.
I hope I do not get stuck in doing things if I am not connected to myself. I hope I am not being dishonest with myself and still not actually getting it and being present. I still need to take salvia and mushrooms.
I recognized that when I was with Dustin, it was harder for me to see him the way I normally see him. As I realized that I was able to be inside of myself as a child, listening to the inner child that had dreams and imagination to be brought to fruition through desires, it was hard to balance that with the fears that I normally had. Normally, I have fears that I have to be a certain way for other people, when the reality is, as I realized over time and especially tonight, that the majority of these fears are thoughts coming from my own mind.
When I was with Dustin, I was realizing that a lot in the past, I had to "leave" myself to take care of the needs of another person. I told Dustin, "Sometimes I get scared because in the past, a lot of times I had to leave myself in order to take care of the needs for another person." When I think of another person, or I see another person, I feel this fear inside of me, and the inner child's voice saying Don't leave me. When really, I am leaving myself not because of the needs of another person, but because of my projected beliefs of what that person needs based in my own ideas about how I need to be from my own mind. In light of this, it is hard to understand how to communicate with another person if I am constantly interpreting what the other person is saying based on what I think I should be, or what I fear that I should be, based on past behavior or required behavior to survive in the past, etc. What I learned with Dustin is that I should try to see things up front and plainly. And if I have a feeling of tension inside of me, or jealousy, or anger, or sadness, or frustration,.. I should realize and connect with that child inside and tell the child that I am there for it, and I hold no loyalties to anyone else except that child. Not even Dustin. That way, it and I can always feel secure in what we feel and what we are deciding to do with "our" time. It is also hard for me to judge whether I can be inside of myself and connected with my inner child and my own dreams and still be present in the outside world. Maybe it is because I am more connected with my inner child and my own dreams that I can see the outside world more clearly and transparently without any outside things attached onto it. Because I am not projecting as much.
I also fear if I will ever be able to be a sexual being, or be an "adult". But I think that will come with time, as it probably has always been there.
I think when I am more myself, I also am more able to realize who Dustin is and I admire that and love that about him. but I also meet my own needs and do not need to be with him all the time. But I still love him.
The only time I get caught is when I try to step out and away from my inner self. It is very easy to get distracted when I am around other people, I realize. I had to move into the bedroom to be away from Dustin.
Also, I realize that I get too jealous, but that is something that I can learn to deal with as I become more and more connected with my inner child.
Moving on from this, I think I have a lot of desires and dreams inside of me that need to be developed and nurtured, and research, and create knowledge inside of myself so that I can be knowledgeable on how to share knowledge with others. And be sufficient and efficient in what I do.
I realize that not all people are this lucky. Although I am only as lucky as I can live successfully and honestly in this moment.. or to be more honest.. just live, since success is arbitrary and not possible in a mental sense. Only living in the present is.
Writing gives me confidence. The only reason I am writing is out of necessity for me to get on with the rest of my day and know that these facts occurred in my life. I hate to write about things that are simply facts, or feelings, events, ideas, ... things, in general,.. because I feel that sometimes it is a scapegoat from me actually living my life continuously in the present.. as if I have to record my life otherwise I feel it will fall into pieces. However, I feel that things are on my heart, and I cannot accurately see them and see my life's priorities- gain perspective- without writing things down so they are out of my conscious mind. I feel like life is meant to be lived, and by writing, I am not actually living... I mean, I am living, but I am also dealing with ideas of the past, not the current present, not actually feeling my ideas and dreams that project me into the future. Just simply recording the past, which does not bring me further to where I want to be. However, I keep going back and forth because I feel that writing helps me forget the things that do not matter and allow myself to be open to the new things of the present and see them in a clear way. It helps me get beyond my emotions which I hold onto for so long- for necessity's sake, as I am trying to understand myself- that they nearly blur anything that I could possibly see or view in the present.